


Descend

by HexMeridian (myrainbowshoelaces)



Series: The Exiles [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aliens, All The Ships, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Ancestors, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Black Romance, Collegestuck, Eventual Davekat, Eventual Relationships, Everyone is Queer, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Language, Loads and Loads of Characters - Freeform, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Plot, Polyamory, Quadrant Confusion, Superherostuck, The Exiles - Freeform, Time Shenanigans, Trans Character, Trans Dave Strider, Trans Rose Lalonde, Transstuck, eventual everyone is poly, eventual rosemary, pesterlogs, poly plus quadrants, so much vacillation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-10 09:29:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 64,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6977713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrainbowshoelaces/pseuds/HexMeridian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>20 years ago a spaceship crash landed in the Pacific Northwest. From it emerged over a million refugees of an alien species. These trolls came seeking a new way of life from their culture’s previous bloody history, voluntary exiles from an oppressive imperial regime. A small contingent of these trolls, bent on harmony with humankind, worked together with humans to found the first human-troll university. </p><p>Ten years later, their descendents begin their freshman year at Terra University, but they get more than they bargained for when they discover that forces loyal to the Alternian Empire are hellbent on delivering the Exiles back into the hands of their leader, the Condesce. Danger is everywhere, but they have a destiny, and with a little help from their ancestors, they’ll use their powers to save their species, the planet, and even the universe. </p><p>Nefarious plots. Spies. Superpowers. Finals. Rooftop swordfights. Love (in four quadrants). Strife. Rap battles. Assassination attempts. Puppets. Frat parties. Football games. Stairs. The fate of the planet. Shenanigans.   </p><p>Freshman year is going to be more of a challenge than they thought. </p><p>Updates Mondays.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ACT 1: Be Careful Making Wishes in the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> A collegestuck fic that accidentally turned into a Plot Heavy superheroes AU. I sit down to write and it KEEPS HAPPENING. 
> 
> My first HS fic after years and years of being part of this spectacular and wacky fandom. I've been writing ahead and I plan to post a chapter every Monday and Thursday while I continue to write. 
> 
> Special thanks to my beta reader StormingtheIvory for putting up with all of my nonsense.

\--------

 

**ACT 1**

 

**Be Careful Making Wishes in the Dark**

 

\--------


	2. Prologue: Under the Horns of their Ancestors

 

The situation was not ideal. In a perfect world this whole plan would be taking place somewhere far more thematically appropriate, like a dank alleyway or the back room of a smoky bar. There would be jazz music wafting through the air like so much cigars and the stink of cheap whiskey, and maybe, just maybe, everything would be in black and white, a grainy picture of a hardboiled Human Detective Film.

 

Despite its reputation, however, this planet was far from perfect, and instead the agent known as Jack Noir sat in the back of an off-white van that idled outside of the local library. The call of free wi-fi is a powerful thing, after all. Dials spun while knobs twiddled, screens crackling with static, and the air was full of the hum of electronics and the muttering of curse words.

 

“Come on, you mother fuck,” Noir’s voice was low and harsh, like he had just gargled glass. “I typed in the fucking coordinates, make the damn connection!”

 

Something crashed outside and he jerked, almost knocking a thermos of coffee off of the console. Noir leapt off the pile of boxes he had been using as a chair and clambered into the driver’s seat, hoping to catch the source of the noise and, if necessary, make a quick getaway. He jammed his ass into the van’s driver seat and whipped his head around, anxious and suspicious and pulling his hood up around his head to further obscure himself.

 

Nothing. The street was empty, save for a car parked across the road and a trash can leaning against the library’s exterior wall. Noir focused in on the garbage receptacle and saw a stray cat sitting impishly on its lid, eyes large in the dim light of the streetlamps. His eyes narrowed and he shot a glare at the feline interloper. It meowed and began to lick itself.

 

Another false alarm. Jack Noir really needed to cut down on the caffeine.

 

Behind him, a notification blared. He clambered out of the uncomfortable driver’s seat and moved back into the van’s rear surveillance space. Finally, he’d established a connection.

 

Sitting down on the pile of boxes with a soft ‘flump’, Noir tapped a few keys on the console’s keyboard and untangled a headset from a pile of cables and antenna pieces. He jammed the headset on and began speaking frantically into the microphone. “This is Noir reporting in from TU, Noir reporting in and contacting Doc Scratch, come in Scratch.”

 

One of the staticky screens flickered for a moment, and a shadowy figure appeared on the monitor. Noir couldn’t make out any distinguishing features, but he didn’t need to. He knew who it was.

 

“This is Scratch,” the figure on the monitor had an almost whimsical voice that seemed to echo. “Report.”

 

“I have good news,” Noir said, sounding annoyed despite his statement. “Our agents have been placed throughout the University system and we have eyes on the targets.”

 

“About time,” Scratch intoned. “When can you begin the operation?”

 

“Just as soon as we can get them alone,” Noir replied. “My colleagues are already making preparations. Now that these kids are out from under the horns of their ancestors, they’ll be sitting ducks.”

 

“Report back to me when your people are ready. We’ll show these Exiles the futility of coming to this planet.”

 

“I will,” Noir said, nodding.

 

“All glory to our Imperious Condescension,” Scratch said, making it clear in his tone that this was the end of the conversation.

 

“May she reign over every universe,” Noir replied mechanically, the lack of enthusiasm in his tone evident even through the rasp in his voice.

 

The screen went black. Noir removed the headset and picked up a pair of safety goggles, placing them over his eyes, which were beady and set against a hard-shelled carapace rather than skin. He tapped a few more buttons on the console and a second screen lit up. Then a third, and then a fourth. Another gentle tap of a button and suddenly each of the four screens displayed four pictures, giving him a total of sixteen different locations. Each was different: one followed a car driving across the country in the middle of the night, another remained focused on a suburban bungalow. Some focused on the exteriors of airports, and others on hive-like living structures, but all of them were focused on a set of coordinates, and on the whereabouts of the targets in question.

 

Noir let out a small grunt of satisfaction, watching as each screen tracked the different coordinates, all of which were slowly convening on the same location. He poured himself another cup of coffee and tapped his foot impatiently on the floor of the van. He slid his other hand into his jacket and pulled out a sharp knife, which glinted in the light of the monitors.

  
The waiting game was almost over. Time to put the plan into action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so our plot begins... *ominous music*
> 
> Welcome to my college superhero x2 combo AU. I'll be posting chapters twice a week, always appreciate kudos and comments, and like to blog about this fic and other Homestuck thoughts over on [my tumblr](http://hexstuck.tumblr.com%20).


	3. Chapter 1: Cohabitation Domicile Bros

The suites at Unity Tower were brand new, as sparkling and clean on the inside as they were on the outside, and even the sudden influx of new students could not tarnish the twenty-story tall building that glimmered like a precious stone along the skyline of Terra University’s campus.

John Egbert had kind of hoped he’d get a room assignment up on one of the top floors - he’d grown up in Seattle and knew that there was a totally killer view of the Space Needle from the upper levels of Unity Tower - but getting to live in the new building was good enough for him. Years of preparation, of watching construction crews build the university from the ground up as a young boy, and now he was enrolled there, a new college freshman as brand spanking shiny as the building he would call home for the next nine months.

The suite housed four, but John was the first to arrive by a longshot. The dorms had opened for business at exactly eight o’clock in the morning, and he’d been in his car and ready to bring all of his things across town since sunrise. It was now almost noon, and he’d seen neither hide nor hair of any of his new roommates. He was excited about that too. Some of the other kids from his high school were attending TU, of course, but the chance to meet new people was never one John could pass up, especially since Unity Tower was the first dorm to specifically offer interspecies housing.

Now if only his roommates would hurry up and get here.

John fidgeted as he stood in the suite’s kitchen, a small space stocked with high-tech state-of-the-art appliances. He had already tested the oven, stovetop, and microwave, and had added his cutlery, cookware, and snacks to the cupboards. He’d even started to decorate, taking out his Ghostbusters magnets and securing them to the fridge in place of the dull circular ones provided by Unity Tower staff. The Campus Events calendar was now secured to the fridge next to the ice dispenser, as was the list of emergency contact information for their Resident Assistant and Campus Health. John had studied both of these documents with fascination. They were written in English AND in Alternian, after all, which was such a novel practice he could barely contain himself. This experience could only be more multicultural if John were attending college at a troll university.

Which was, of course, impossible, since the trolls didn’t even have a planet to call their own any more, let alone a university.

John’s cell phone beeped and snapped him out of his ponderings. He checked the device and saw his Pesterchum app notifying him of a friend wishing to converse with him. He sat down at one of the kitchen stools and opened up the app, smiling as he saw the identity of the chum.

\-- gardenGnostic[GG] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] on 8.20.16 at 11:45 --

GG: John, are you there?  
GT: Hey! Jade! I was wondering when I was going to hear from you today! Are you finally in the same time zone as me?  
GG: lol, yeah, after twenty four plus hours of different kinds of traveling, I am finally in Pacific Time!  
GT: That’s great! When are you heading out to TU?  
GG: I’m getting there later this afternoon, I’ve been trying to get Bec settled in since we got here from the airport.  
GT: I still can’t believe you brought that devilbeast you call a pet along for your college experience.  
GG: Don’t call him that! Becquerel is not a devilbeast, he’s a good dog, and he’s my best friend.  
GG: … wow, that sounded so much lamer than I meant for it to sound.  
GT: Hey, it’s okay, you grew up on an island mostly by yourself, of course your dog is your best friend.  
GG: Sure, but I probably shouldn’t go broadcasting that to my new roommates. They’re probably going to think it’s weird for a girl to be best friends with her dog.  
GT: Jade, you’re living in Unity Tower, right?  
GG: Yeah, obviously.  
GT: Well, that means that at least a few of your roommates are going to be Actual Aliens. I doubt the weirdest thing they’ll think about you is that your dog is your best friend.  
GG: I guess that’s fair :P. So you’re already moved in?  
GT: Yup! I got here as soon as the dorm opened this morning. I’m so excited!  
GG: Me too! I’m so ready to start my classes and make new friends. I’m taking two different science classes with labs, I can’t wait!  
GT: Wow, that sounds pretty intense. And I thought I was taking on a heavy course load by signing up for Computer Science. You’ve always been better than me at science stuff though.  
GG: Just the plant-based stuff :)

John heard a rattling sound outside the suite’s front door and his head snapped up. Someone was unlocking the door, which meant one of his roommates was arriving!

GT: Hey Jade, gotta go, one of my roommates is arriving!  
GG: Exciting! I’ll let you know when I get to TU. Later! <3 

\-- gardenGnostic[GG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 11:52 --

John put his phone in his pocket and tried to look as nonchalant as possible. He failed spectacularly, almost falling off the stool as the door swung open and the first of his new roommates entered the suite.

The young man was about as tall as John, and he wore a pair of black jeans and a red t-shirt. His hair was white blonde, matching his paper-pale skin and cut in a way that somehow managed to be both stylish and casual at the same time, and his eyes were obscured by a pair of dark aviator sunglasses. He carried a cardboard box under one arm, the rest of his things sitting behind him in the hallway, and he looked at John with an irascible expression. John suddenly found himself antsy about his appearance, wondering if his short black hair was sticking up or if his Ghostbusters tee looked childish.

This guy was the epitome of cool.

“Sup,” the cool guy said, putting his keys in his pocket. His voice was higher than John expected, but calm and collected, reflecting his exterior. “Guess we’re roommates.”

“Hi!” John clambered off the stool and crossed the room, holding out a hand. “I’m John Egbert, it’s nice to meet you!”

“Dave Strider,” the cool guy offered a fist for John to bump instead of shake. John recovered quickly, giving Dave a responding fist bump before stepping aside. “Looks like the brochures and shit weren’t kidding, this place is so new I think it’s still glistening from the birth canal.”

“Huh?” John blinked, his brain taking a couple of seconds to catch up to Dave’s comment.

“Never mind,” Dave said, putting down the smaller box and stepping back into the hallway to grab more of his things. “It’s nice digs. How’s the suite situation work, do we each get rooms or what?”

“I’ll show you around!” John blurted out, dodging around Dave to hold his hand out toward the narrow hallway leading away from the living space. “I’ve been here since early this morning so I already know where everything is.”

“Sweet,” Dave said. “I already found the kitchen, and I’m guessing that’s the living room. Do you have a TV?”

“A small one,” John said, leading Dave towards the hallway to the left of the kitchen. “It’s not good for much of anything but watching DVDs.”

“I brought one with me,” Dave said, gesturing to a box out in the hall that looked to hold a TV at least ten times the size of John’s old set. “We can set it up in the living room if you want. You play videogames?”

“I love videogames!” John exclaimed. “That sounds great!”

“Cool,” Dave nodded, following John down the hallway.

“So it looks like the Resident Assistant put placronyms on each of the doors to tell us which room belonged to each of us,” John continued. “This one near the kitchen is mine, and yours is the one next to it.”

Dave took his keys out of his pocket again and opened the door to the small sub-room with his name on the door. It looked identical to John’s in terms of sparse furnishings and layout, with a bed against the wall under a window and a desk next to a door that led to the closet. The newcomer stepped into the room and set a box down on the desk, looking around with a still unreadable expression. John was going to have trouble knowing what this cool kid was thinking if he was going to wear those shades all the time.

“Looks good,” Dave finally said, putting his keys back in his pocket. “Bathroom down the hall?”

“Yeah,” John nodded, pointing. “The suite has two.”

Dave nodded and headed back out to the hallway to bring more of his things in. John followed, still full of nervous energy, as Dave began to pick up boxes of various size. He didn’t have much, but it was still more than he could carry in one trip.

“Do you want some help?” John asked, darting forward to pick up one of the boxes in the hall. “I bet you can’t carry that TV alone.”

“I can,” Dave replied, with a hint of a smile on his lips. “But it’s easier with two.”

The two of them made short work of moving Dave’s items into his room, and once everything was out of the hallway Dave got started setting up the television in the living room. John sat on the couch and stared as his new roommate unpacked game console after game console, setting them up expertly along with a stack of games for each of them. Once he was done, he sat down next to John on the couch and held out an extra game controller. “Wanna play some Mario Kart?”

John blinked. “You don’t mind sharing?”

“We’re gonna be Cohabitation Domicile Bros for the next year,” Dave said, shrugging. “Might as well actually be friends and hang out instead of ignoring each other.”

John blinked again. He really hadn’t expected making friends in college to go so smoothly. He smiled. “Yeah,” he said. “Cool! Let’s play some Mario Kart!”

Dave turned on the console and after a few minutes of setup the two boys were comfortably playing videogames, the rest of Dave’s boxes sitting unpacked outside his room.

“So we have two other roommates?” Dave asked after a few rounds.

“Yeah,” John nodded. “They haven’t arrived yet.”

“Classes start on Monday,” Dave noted as he started another round. “They’ll be here.”

“Do you think they’ll be… you know,” John trailed off, waving a hand vaguely to try to make a point without actually saying it outright.

“What,” Dave’s eyebrow went up slightly. “Trolls?”

“Well, yeah,” John said, feeling a little silly. “It is interspecies housing after all.”

“Dude, they’re definitely gonna be trolls,” Dave replied, not looking at John but instead continuing to kick ass during their current race.

“How do you know?” John asked.

“I saw their names on the doors down the hallway on the right earlier,” Dave said. “Definitely trolls. Plus the second bathroom has an ablution trap and load gaper and ducts for sopor. Not fit for human inhabitants.”

John blinked again. “Huh,” he said. “Guess while I was unpacking I didn’t even notice that.”

“You grow up living around many trolls?” Dave asked. “This stuff’s pretty obvious if you’re used to it.”

“I mean, kinda,” John shrugged. “I was born here in Seattle after all.”

“The troll capital of the US, right,” Dave nodded. “But have you actually spent much time with any trolls?”

“To tell the truth, I haven’t spent time with much of anybody,” John replied, keeping his eyes focused on the TV, embarrassed. “I spent most of high school playing in band and goofing off on the internet.”

“Hey, the internet is the shit,” Dave said. “That’s where I spend most of my time. What did you play in band?”

“Percussion,” John said. “I mostly play the piano.”

“Sweet,” Dave nodded. “I never did the band thing, but I do the music thing. Plus I’m a fan of jamming out. We should try that sometime, you know, between all the serious fucking hard work college is supposed to be. My sister and I do it all the time.”

John was about to inquire about Dave’s sister when he heard another rattle from the front door of the suite. The knob jiggled and shook, and then he heard the sound of keys falling on the ground, along with a string of creative profanity and a muffled argument.

“Whoa,” John muttered. “That was… colourful.”

“Sounds like at least one of our other roommates is about to descend on room 413,” Dave said, still focused on the TV. “Better get ready to get multicultural, Egbert, because the kid on the other side of that door is definitely a troll.”

“How can you tell?”

“Because in all my eighteen years on this planet I have yet to hear a human use ‘shithive maggots’ in casual conversation.”

“Right,” John blinked, feeling a knot twist in his stomach for a reason he couldn’t identify. It wasn’t like he didn’t regularly interact with trolls. But living with them? It was going to be a new experience.

The voices on the other side of the door grew louder, punctuated by the jingling of keys which seemed to be falling on the ground every few seconds.

“Give me the fucking keys!”

“Man I’m tellin’ you we have the wrong motherfuckin’ room.”

“The form says 413 and that sign next to the fucking door says 413, you asshole. This is suite fucking 413 and they just gave us the wrong fucking keys!”

“Bro I think you’re using the key to the mailbox there.”

“Shut the fuck up, I know the difference between a fucking mailbox key and the key to a door when I fucking see them, jegus fuck how did I get stuck with you as a hivemate again?”

“We kinda signed up for motherfucking housing together.”

“I KNOW SHUT THE HELL UP I NEED TO CONCENTRATE.”

The door swung open and a pair of figures practically fell through the doorway, still squabbling over the function of differently-sized keys. Dave remained focused on his game but John found himself staring, unable to help himself. It was as if the reality of the situation was finally hitting him.

He was going to spend the next year living with trolls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Terra University! Naturally there must be Mario Kart.  
> John's chumhandle is still ghostyTrickster because he hasn't had a reason to change it (yet). I wonder who could be at the door? :p 
> 
> Special shoutout to the [Homestuck Resources](http://homestuckresources.tumblr.com/post/44699284500/formatting-pesterlogs-on-ao3) tumblr for their comprehensive guide on formatting pesterlogs.
> 
> Thanks everyone who's been reading already! I'm having a great time writing this and sharing it with all of you.


	4. Chapter 2: Coincidences Are For Children and Bad Romantic Comedies

Dave had met trolls before, but somehow enough of those encounters had faded enough from his memory for him to forget some things. 

For one thing, he’d forgotten that trolls could be so tall. 

The two boys who had haphazardly argued their way into the suite were getting to their feet and dusting themselves off, giving Dave a chance to really take in the sight of them, even from his spot on the couch where he still played Mario Kart. One was maybe John’s height, definitely small for a troll, and his candy corn horns were small and nubby, almost hidden by a mop of black hair. His companion, however, towered over him once he stood at his full height, lanky but massive, definitely hitting seven feet and having to stoop in the doorway. The taller troll had a tangle of black hair surrounding curvy horns, and he seemed to be perpetually smiling. Dave also noticed that this troll had facepaint on, his typically grey complexion painted over with black and white in a way that evoked a mask, only accentuated by the purple colour of his eyes. The smaller troll didn’t appear to have coloured irises, his eyes as grey as his skin, and his face was set in a scowl as he looked around the room, obviously flustered. 

“What are you staring at?” the shorter troll asked John, who was standing awkwardly by the TV. “You never seen a troll before?”

“What?” John looked confused for a moment, then shook his head. “I wasn’t staring! And of course I’ve seen trolls before!”

“Whatever,” the shorter troll’s scowl deepened. “Can’t say I’d blame you if you were fucking staring, even for trolls we’re probably a bizarre sight to see.”

Dave let out a snort, pausing his game to address the taller troll. “Dude, are you a Juggalo troll?” 

“Huh?” the taller troll blinked slowly, still grinning whimsically. “Juggawhat?”

“The human’s asking about your religion, genius,” the short troll said. “And I really recommend you don’t. It’s barely comprehensible.” The small troll wiped his face with a hand. “This is so fucking embarrassing.”

“Well, hi!” John said, holding out his hand to the short troll. “I’m John Egbert.”

The short troll eyed him suspiciously, clearly trying to tell if he was being sincere or not. “Karkat,” he said, his tone hesitant as he took John’s hand to give it a tentative shake. “Karkat Vantas. This is Gamzee.” 

The taller troll, Gamzee, leaned down and offered John a fist to bump. “What up, my human brother,” he drawled. “Gamzee Makara, at your motherfuckin’ service.” 

John fist bumped the tall troll, smiling. “Nice to meet you both. This is Dave,” he gestured to the couch. “Dave Strider. He just got here too.”

Karkat continued to eye John suspiciously, as if he were waiting for the other shoe to somehow drop. John continued to smile mildly, still looking up at Gamzee with interest.

“You all right there, little man?” the tall troll leaned down to get a closer look at John. “You seem downright discombobulated with me right now, is that right?”

“I guess?” John shrugged. “I guess I just don’t usually meet many trolls who are as tall as you.”

“Purple bloods aren’t all that common,” Karkat supplied. “And the ones that are seem to keep to themselves. I gotta say I wasn’t expecting him to actually show up today, so his presence here is as surprising to me as it is to you.”

“You two know each other?” Dave asked, leaving the couch and joining his roommates in the kitchen. 

“Went to high school together,” Karkat said. “Because if you’re a troll in this city you all go to the same high school, and apparently we really do all know each other.”

“So you guys went to New Alternia North High?” John asked. “I went to West Rainier, I think we played football against your team a few times!”

“Who the fuck knows,” Karkat scowled. “The only good thing I got from that fucking school was a diploma that said I could fucking leave. Sports are for idiot wigglers who like throwing humorously shaped air-filled balloons around and yelling.”

“I can agree with that,” Dave crossed the kitchen and opened the door of the refrigerator. “Hmm, empty. We’ve gotta go shopping for food sometime, I’m starving.”

“I didn’t like sports much either,” John said. “I played in the band though, so I ended up at the games anyway.”

“I did band,” Gamzee supplied, his tone still slurred. “It was a kickin’ activity.”

“Sweet!” John’s eyes lit up. “What did you play?”

Gamzee slowly put a hand in his pocket and pulled out a small horn that looked as if it could have once been attached to an old-time bicycle. He squeezed the bulb so that it let out a comical sound. “Horn.” he said, grinning widely. “Honk honk.”

John grinned back. “Awesome!”

“Whatever,” Karkat said again, grabbing Gamzee by the arm and leading him towards the unoccupied room. “My honking friend and I need to unpack our shit and let our respective guardians know we aren’t dead. Nice to meet you both or something, just don’t ask stupid fucking questions and I won’t spend the sweeps we’re gonna be crammed into this hive together thinking up new and interesting ways to murder you in your sleep.”

“How stupid do the questions have to be to warrant brutal murder?” Dave asked, sitting down on one of the kitchen stools. “Is there a scale we can consult before we end up gutted in the middle of the night? Perhaps a list of questions that only result in a black eye or a missing kidney?”

Karkat scowled. “Haha,” he said. “How incredibly funny, I’m about to laugh my damn bulge off, I didn’t know I’d signed up to live with such a talented human comedian.”

“My talent’s in my raps and my rhymes,” Dave replied. “But I’m glad my comedy is being appreciated for once.”

“I’m a bit of an amateur comedian myself!” John chimed in, clearly missing the sarcasm in Karkat’s voice. “And Gamzee’s a clown! We all have so much in common! This year is going to be great!” 

Karkat blinked and exchanged a glance with Dave, both of them genuinely perplexed by the sincerity of John’s statement. The tension seemed to break and Karkat’s scowl lessened.

“Whatever,” he said after a pause. “Just don’t go in my room or touch my shit and we’ll get along fine.” 

“Sounds good,” Dave said, shrugging as he pulled out his phone. “I’ll keep my questions for you and your clown friend to a face-punching level of stupid.”

“Hah, too bad,” Karkat replied, his scowl now entirely gone. “You look like you have a pretty punchable face.” 

“I’ve worked all my life to keep it that way,” Dave smirked. 

Karkat rolled his eyes, almost cracking a smile as he led Gamzee out of the room, the taller troll letting out another slightly confused honk as he followed his friend. John and Dave watched them leave, an awkward silence descending between them. 

“Well,” Dave said after a moment. “He sure seems like a stable, reasonable guy.”

“He’s probably just not used to new people,” John said, joining Dave at the kitchen island and sitting on a stool. “Plus, he sure seems to have his hands full helping out his friend.”

“I never thought I’d live to see the day,” Dave said, typing something into his phone. “A real live troll Juggalo. I definitely thought the internet was making that shit up.” 

“Is that really part of his religion?” John asked. “I don’t know much about that side of troll culture.” 

“Ask him about it,” Dave said. “When the short shouty one isn’t around. He didn’t say he wouldn’t answer stupid questions.” His phone beeped and he picked it up, sighing. “Hang on,” he said. “My sister is pestering me.” 

\-- TentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering TurntechGodhead [TG] on 8.20.16. at 12:30 --

TT: I have successfully arrived in my temporary domicile with minimal grievances done to my person.  
TG: Flight was that bad?  
TT: If I never have to sit next to a squalling infant again it will be too soon.  
TG: So you’re all moved in?  
TT: As moved in as I can be with the minimal luggage I could transport on regular passenger air travel. I might need some things shipped to me in the future.  
TG: What, like your tomes of wizard fanfiction you think I don’t know you write?  
TT: Your interest in my fanfiction continues to fascinate me.  
TG: Stop psychoanalyzing me over the internet, you’ll have plenty of time to do that shit when we actually meet up in person for the first time in five years  
TT: Fair enough. Which floor and suite are you occupying in this most majestic dormitory tower?  
TG: Suite 413  
TT: Hah, how funny.  
TG: What?  
TT: I’m exactly ten floors above you. Suite 1413.  
TG: Well shit, did you plan that out?  
TT: Don’t be ridiculous, Dave. It’s just a funny coincidence.  
TG: Bullshit. Coincidences are for children and bad romantic comedies. There’s no way that my twin sister who usually lives thousands of miles the fuck away from me just HAPPENS to be living exactly ten floors above me  
TT: Take it up with the head of housing. I’m sure at least one of our half-sibling relations who also reside on this campus will have connections.  
TG: Whatever. Have your roommates showed up yet?  
TT: Yes, though only one is here with me now. A human girl who apparently grew up on an island away from all civilization except the internet.  
TG: Man, I bet she’s got a skewed view of the way shit works  
TT: Perhaps. Her half-brother grew up here in Seattle though, so she’s had some connection to the real world. He’s attending this institution as well. Apparently it’s the prime spot for family reunions these days.  
TG: Huh. Hang on a second 

“Hey, Egbert,” Dave put down his phone for a moment to address John, who had begun to organize his cooking utensils by the stove. “This is gonna sound like a weird-ass out of the fucking blue question, but do you have a sister?” 

“Yeah!” John said, putting down a spatula and returning to the kitchen island. “Jade.”

“By any chance is she also a student here at TU?”

“She’s about to be,” John said. “She’s starting her freshman year as well.”

“Right,” Dave said. “And did she happen to grow up on a remote island in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the internet for company?”

John’s eyes widened. “That’s exactly how she grew up!” he said. “How did you know?”

Dave sighed and picked up his phone again. 

TG: Rose, is your roommate’s name Jade?  
TT: Yeah. Why?  
TG: …  
TT: What is it?  
TG: Jade’s half brother is one of my roommates  
TT:...  
TG: What.  
TT: Well, either we’re children or this is about to become a bad romantic comedy.  
TG: great

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so begin some beautiful friendships, and some delightful hilarity shall of course ensue.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's been reading, commenting, leaving kudos, and subscribing! Y'all are the best!


	5. Chapter 3: Inevitable Cultural Hiccups

Considering the anticipated culture shock of going from a deserted pacific island to a multispecies university in less than twenty-four hours, Jade Harley was doing remarkably well. She’d already unpacked most of her clothes and was now sitting on the living room floor of the suite she shared with three other girls, one of whom was sitting across from her on the couch. 

Rose Lalonde finished typing something into her phone and looked across the room at Jade, quirking her eyebrows up. “So apparently the university experience brings people together in all sorts of hilariously coincidental ways,” she began. 

“Yeah?” Jade asked, smiling. She had spent so little time around other people it was a surprise to her how comfortable she felt talking to her new roommate. Rose had a calming presence about her, a kind of serenity that Jade felt she would never be able to replicate. 

“It looks like my twin brother and your half-brother are living in the same suite ten floors below us,” Rose continued.

Jade’s eyes widened. “Really?” she said. “John’s sharing a room with…” she trailed off. “What’s your brother’s name?”

“Dave,” Rose answered. 

“Dave Lalonde is a really cool name,” Jade said.

“It’s Dave Strider actually,” Rose corrected. Her face seemed to twitch for a moment, but was back to a neutral expression before Jade could fully register it. “We have different last names.”

“Oh,” Jade said, embarrassed. “John and I are like that too. I guess it comes from living halfway across the world from each other and being raised by different people. Is that how it was for you two?”

“Sort of,” Rose said. She set her phone down on the coffee table and opened a bag next to the couch, pulling out a ball of yarn and a pair of long needles. “Across the country rather than the world, but we spoke often.” 

“That must be hard when you’re twins,” Jade commented. “Why did you live so far away?”

“Some kind of arrangement our parents came up with I think,” Rose said, shrugging. “It is needlessly complicated.” 

“Well, now you’re both going to the same college,” Jade beamed wider, leaning against the wall and looking out their window at the Seattle skyline. It wasn’t the jungle sprawling along the slope of the volcano, but it would suffice. “Just like me and John!”

Rose began doing something complicated with one of her knitting needles and her yarn. “Like I said, hilariously coincidental.” 

“Do you know if our other suitemates have been here yet?” Jade asked. “I’m excited to meet them.”

“I met them earlier before you arrived,” Rose said. “Two troll girls. They know each other from high school. Said they were going to explore but they’d be back before too long. That was about an hour ago.” 

“Hopefully they’ll be back soon,” Jade said. She absentmindedly began to fiddle with a strand of her long black hair, which hung down almost to her waist in stark contrast to Rose’s white-blonde bob. “I should really unpack more.”

“I should too,” Rose agreed, putting away her knitting. “I need to organise my books before class begins.”

“What classes are you taking?” Jade asked. “Though, I guess you haven’t told me what your major is yet either, maybe start with that! I’m sorry, I’m pretty rusty when it comes to talking to people in person.”

“It’s okay. I’m majoring in psychology,” Rose replied, standing up and carrying her knitting bag with her. “I’m fascinated by the minds of sentient beings.”

“Cool!” Jade said, following her. Their rooms were next to each other and they both unlocked them, starting to unpack while still holding a thread of conversation between them. “I wish I knew more about people. I didn’t get the chance to meet too many of them in person living on the island.”

“How did you end up on an island anyway?” Rose asked.

“I don’t actually know!” Jade said cheerfully. She carefully lifted a couple of ceramic pots out of a box along with a few packets of seeds, pondering how best to set them up on her windowsill. “I’ve just always been there. My uncle is a famous archeologist, and he’s been studying the ruins on the island for years.”

“What about your brother?”

“He’s a year older than me,” Jade continued, setting a framed picture of a large dog with white fur on the desk. “And he was raised in the suburbs here in Seattle. We met for the first time a few years ago when he came to visit me.”

“I see,” Rose murmured.

Jade was about to ask questions about Rose’s brother when they heard door to the suite click open, followed by voices in the kitchen. 

“I still can’t believe they didn’t have grub sauce at the food mart,” one of the voices, imperious and dramatic in tone, said. “So much for a multicultural university lifestyle.”

“They said they were out of stock,” the second voice was nasal and quiet, clearly exasperated by her friend. “I’m sure they’ll have more tomorrow.” 

“If they don’t I’m complaining,” the first voice said. “Just because I can make my own doesn’t mean I should have to, not when there should be some readily available for purchase.” 

“We got other stuff,” the second voice continued to sound exasperated. “Just calm down and help me unpack these bags.”

Rose and Jade both stuck their heads out of their respective rooms to see the source of the conversation. Jade let out a small gasp, unable to stop herself. She’d seen trolls at the airport and around campus, but she’d never met any of them up close before. 

Rose left her room and entered the kitchen, Jade following her. “Our fourth roommate has arrived,” she said, the two troll girls ceasing their conversation. “This is Jade Harley. Jade, these are our suitemates, Vriska Serket and Terezi Pyrope.”

“Hi,” the taller of the two troll girls, Vriska, stepped forward and gave Jade’s hand a brisk shake. Her hair was longer than Jade’s, the same glossy black, and one of her horns had a small two-pronged hook shape on the end. Her eyes, which were the source of Jade’s gasp, were cerulean blue, and one of them had eight tiny pupils in a cluster. “You can call me Vriska. Or Serket. I answer to both.” 

Jade took her hand back, blinking slowly, but her smile quickly returned. “Nice to meet you.” 

“Hi,” the second troll, Terezi, said, giving Jade a toothy grin. Jade held out a hand to her as well but the girl did not take it, and it took Jade a few seconds to realise why. 

“Oh,” Jade said, letting her hand fall to her side. “I… uh…”

“It’s all right,” Terezi continued to grin. “You’d be amazed the number of people I meet who try to shake hands with the blind girl.”

“In her defense, your cane is obscured by grocery bags,” Rose pointed out. 

Terezi chuckled, her eyes obscured by a pair of red sunglasses, and she put the remaining grocery bag on the counter to expose her telltale white cane. “It’s all good,” she said. “I smelled your hand and just decided to clear the air about the blind thing before we got any further.”

“Smelled?” Jade’s smile fell away, replaced with concern. 

“Terezi can smell and taste things the rest of us normally perceive with our eyes,” Rose explained, reaching over to help the two troll girls unpack their groceries. “I discovered this when she arrived and proceeded to tell me that my hair smelled like lemonade.” 

“Well, it does,” Terezi said, crossing her arms. “I call ‘em like I smell ‘em.”

“You get used to it,” Vriska said, putting bottles of mayonnaise and ketchup into one of the cupboards next to the refrigerator. “Better watch out if you get a cut on your finger, she’ll start talking about cherry candy.”

“It’s not my fault human blood smells delicious,” Terezi muttered, and then she stopped, looking embarrassed. “Not that I go out of my way to smell human blood, I’m not that weird.”

“It’s all right,” Rose said, Jade making a stricken face that matched Terezi’s. “I’m sure as we begin living together there will be some inevitable cultural hiccups.” 

“Yes!” Jade laughed a little too loud. “Of course! I mean, I knew that story about trolls drinking blood was just an overblown piece of hype from the internet.”

“I mean, some trolls do,” Vriska said nonchalantly, throwing one of the grocery bags into the trash.

Jade’s face fell again. “Really?”

“Stop scaring her,” Terezi elbowed Vriska in the side. “We’re supposed to be making a good impression.”

“I’m sorry, but did I sign up to be the ambassador to all trollkind?” Vriska snapped. “Turns out, nope, not on my to do list! I’m here to win.”

“Win what?” Rose asked.

“Whatever comes up,” Vriska replied, grinning. “In terms of academics, the top of the class in the engineering college.”

“I don’t think that’s how class rankings work,” Terezi muttered, sitting down on one of the stools in the kitchen. “Least it isn’t how they work over in criminal justice.”

“Whatever,” Vriska flipped her hair as a dismissive response to her friend’s comment. “Anything that comes my way, I’ll win it.”

“I know,” Terezi sounded exasperated. “Believe me, I know.”

“So you two went to high school together, right?” Rose asked, changing the subject.

“Yeah,” Terezi said, seeming grateful for the subject change. “Here in Seattle.”

“A bunch of our friends are starting here as well,” Vriska added. “Most of them live in the troll dorms though.”

“They didn’t want to enjoy the cross-cultural experience Unity Tower had to offer?” Rose said, Jade noting an edge of sarcasm in her voice.

“Far as I know they just didn’t luck out in the housing lottery,” Vriska replied. “Two of the losers we went to school with live in the building though.”

“Vriska!” Terezi elbowed her again. “They aren’t losers, they’re our friends.”

“Get real, Terezi,” Vriska shot back. “All of our friends are the losers to our cool kid attitudes, and that’s just a fact.”

“They’re not that bad if you stop acting like a snobby fussyfanged wiggler,” Terezi said with a sniff, turning back to the humans. “They’re good guys, and they live exactly ten floors below us, in suite 413.”

Both of Rose’s eyebrows went up. “Is that so?” she said. 

“Yeah,” Terezi gave her a quizzical look. “So what?”

“So that’s the suite where both mine and Jade’s brothers happen to be living,” she said.

Jade’s mouth dropped open. “Wow, that’s so cool!”

Vriska and Terezi made faces that mirrored Jade’s. “Now that’s a hilarious coincidence,” Vriska said.

“If this is a romantic comedy I’m returning the universe to the nearest video store,” Rose muttered.

“Huh?” Jade was back to feeling confused. 

“Never mind,” Rose said. “I suppose we should see this as an excellent opportunity to further grow our respective social circles. After all, Jade and I both grew up far away from our brothers, so it’s not like we know them that well compared to you and your friends.”

“I don’t even care that I was born on this planet,” Terezi muttered. “I still don’t understand this whole ‘brother’ and ‘sister’ thing you humans always go on about.”

Rose shrugged. “Again. Cultural hiccups. It’s strange to me that trolls don’t have siblings.”

“Technically we’re all genetic siblings,” Terezi said. “Because of the Mother Grub. But that’s a whole other cultural can of worms that you can probably find out more about if you’re taking a class on Alternian Culture. I just know what I’ve read in books and what my ancestor taught me growing up.”

“And what the losers we went to school with had to say,” Vriska chimed in. “I’m surprised there aren’t more of the kids from our school in Unity Tower, especially the highblooded dicks who actually give a fuck about the hemocaste.”

“I read in the welcome packet that the Unity Tower facilities for sea dwelling trolls wouldn’t be finished for another year,” Jade chimed in. “Which I guess is too bad for them.”

“Have you actually met any sea dwellers?” Vriska sniffed. “Because they’re the highblooded dicks I’m talking about.”

“Shut up, Vris,” Terezi’s voice returning to its previous tone. “Living in the interspecies dorm is meant to help break down hemospectrum stereotypes, not reinforce them.”

“Stereotypes exist for a reason,” Vriska said, flipping her hair. “And my experience with our sea dwelling friends just reminds me that they’re a bunch of stereotypically highblooded megalomaniacal fuckheads.” 

Terezi sighed. “Sorry about this,” she said to Rose and Jade. “I really feel like we’re highlighting the worst parts of troll culture here.”

“It’s okay!” Jade said, still cheerful. “I haven’t spent much time around anyone really, human or troll. I know I’ll get to know you all better as time goes by.”

“Well, I promise you that your impression of Vriska as a bossyfanged jerkblood will remain no matter how long you know her,” Terezi said, smirking.

“Fuck you, Pyrope,” Vriska said, but with a smile on her face, putting her arm around the other troll’s shoulders. “You know you love me.”

“Despite my own self-preservation, you know I do,” Terezi said, holding two of her fingers up in a sideways-v shape. Vriska did the same with the opposite hand, and they placed their two sideways-v shapes together to make a diamond before breaking out into giggles. 

Rose’s phone rang and she glanced at it briefly before picking up. “Dave,” she said, by way of greeting. She paused for a moment, listening to her brother before responding. “Sure. I’ll ask them.” She put her phone on her shoulder and addressed the rest of them. “So our brothers and your friends are going to a welcome barbecue event happening on the quad this evening, and would like to know if we’re interested in joining them.”

“A barbecue?” Jade’s smile widened. “Sounds like fun!”

“It’s been awhile since we’ve seen Karkat and Gamzee,” Terezi said, nodding to herself. “We should catch up.”

“If we must,” Vriska sighed. “At least until I find someone better to hang out with.” 

Jade grinned at Rose, who gave her a smile back before replying to Dave. “Let us commence with this ridiculous reunion,” Rose said. “We’ll meet you down on the steps.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another exciting collegiate interaction for our protagonists. Next time, even more characters all together in one spot! 
> 
> thanks to everyone for reading and leaving kudos! I appreciate you dropping in on my little AU.


	6. Chapter 4: Indecipherable Linguistic Stylings

Rose Lalonde knew intellectually that barbecues and welcome weekends were part of the traditional university experience. The brochures and pamphlets she’d received in the weeks leading up to her actually arriving at Terra University had boasted all number of enjoyable bonding activities for Freshmen to attend during their first weekend on campus, and she’d dismissed most of them outright as childish or unnecessary. She was perfectly capable of making friends on her own without attending a midnight pancake feed or some kind of craft party at a sorority house. 

She did need to meet up with Dave though. Five years really was too long a time to go without seeing one’s twin. 

Rose’s brother was sitting on a low brick wall outside of the Unity Tower entrance, accompanied by a young man with dark hair and dark skin who bore enough resemblance to Jade to undoubtedly be John. Two troll boys stood with them, one looming over the group at a height Rose had rarely seen. She’d met highblooded trolls before, but even this was an extreme height for one of his caste. The other troll was short and seemed to have a perpetual scowl on his face, which only deepened as they approached.

The boy Rose assumed was John ran over to them, giving Jade a warm hug. She responded in kind, her face still lit up in perpetual excitement, and the group of girls crossed to the group of boys to exchange further pleasantries. 

“Lalonde,” Dave said, not getting up from his spot on the wall while offering Rose a fist to bump.

“Strider,” she responded, taking his fist and shaking it up and down instead of responding with a bump. This was not the first time she had greeted him this way, and they both grinned. Five years was a long time, and Dave had changed significantly since their last meeting. Then again, so had she. 

Their polite greetings concluded, Rose turned her attention to the trolls, who did indeed know each other. Her eyebrows went up as Terezi greeted the shorter troll with a kiss on the cheek that turned into a rather gratuitous lick, causing him to flail his arms about and start shouting about personal boundaries. The taller troll picked him up briefly by the collar, causing both Vriska and Terezi to laugh, and this led to a round of spirited introductions. 

“Do you always lick your friends in greeting?” Rose inquired as Terezi giggled, watching the tall troll place the small troll back on the ground.

“Only when we used to date,” Terezi explained. “Or I know it’ll really bug them. Or both.”

“Consider me both bugged and no longer dating you,” the shorter troll snarled, his taller companion gently resting a hand on his head and muttering ‘shoooooooosh’ a few times. “And stop shooshing me, you giant clown fuck, I am completely in control of my emotions!”

“Is he always like this?” Dave asked Terezi. 

“Usually he’s worse,” she replied. “You’re Rose’s brother, right?”

“Who told you my secret,” Dave deadpanned, offering the troll girl a fist. She seemed to consider giving him a hard time about her obvious blindness, but instead thought better of it, bumping his fist with hers. He didn’t comment on her blindness, and she didn’t bring it up. Another fascinating interspecies interaction. Rose instantly regretted not bringing her notebooks with her and hoped that her phone had enough juice for her to surreptitiously type observations to herself throughout the course of the evening. 

“And that makes you Jade’s brother,” Vriska said, swooping around to rest an arm on John’s shoulder. “You two look remarkably alike for humans with only minimal shared genetics!”

“Uh, thanks?” John said, perplexed.

“Don’t mind her,” Terezi said. “She’ll flirt with anything that has a pulse.” 

“It’s friendly conversation, Pyrope,” Vriska said, turning her nose up at her friend. “Besides, I already know these two losers.”

“A fact we are all too fucking aware of and wish could be a nightmarish fiction,” the shorter troll groaned. 

“You two didn’t get along?” Rose asked him, unafraid of his ire. It seemed more like a default setting than anything fueled by actual malice. 

“Do I look like I get along with fucking anybody?” he growled.

“You get along with him,” Rose pointed up to the tall troll, who let out a soft exclamation that Rose could swear was a ‘honk.’

“We’re moirails,” the short troll said. “That’s less getting along and more being a glorified wigglersitter.”

“The feeling’s mutual, bro,” the tall troll drawled, offering a hand to Rose. “What is up, cool human chick, I’m Gamzee.” 

“Hello,” Rose said, shaking his hand and deciding not to ask about the clown makeup. “Rose Lalonde.” 

“My constantly aggravated brother down here is Karkat,” Gamzee continued, causing the shorter troll to bristle and scowl. “He’s pretty much always got somethin’ chafing his motherfucking nook, so don’t go taking it personal, yeah?”

“The thing chafing my nook is you, you insufferable honk machine,” Karkat grumbled, but did offer Rose a begrudging hand. “Karkat Vantas, keeper of the ridiculous clown douche.” 

Rose shook his hand, trying not to squint to get a better look at his eye colour. It was considered poor etiquette to inquire about a troll’s blood, but it was another aspect of their species Rose found utterly fascinating. Karkat seemed to notice this, since he took his hand back abruptly and immediately averted his gaze. She decided not to press the matter, turning instead to her troll roommates. “Dave, this is Vriska Serket and Terezi Pyrope, and Jade Harley, John’s half-sister.” 

Dave offered his fist and received knuckle bumps from all three of Rose’s roommates, Jade giggling in the process. Jade then turned to Karkat and Gamzee and shook their hands as John reached over to shake Rose’s, thus completing the round of introductions. 

“So I hear this party has food?” Karkat said, crossing his arms. 

“It appears to be part of the welcome weekend tradition,” Rose noted. “Offering food and festivities to incoming students in the hopes of maintaining their initial excitement for higher education.” 

“Takin’ the hard earned money of the impoverished student with a smile instead of a raised middle finger then,” Dave said. “Guess that comes later.”

“Except we’re not paying them anything,” Rose replied. “Remember?”

“I was referring to the student as a general concept, not us specifically,” Dave said. “In our case, we’re getting a scholarship-laden free ride up in this academic bitch, and might as well milk that cash cow until we’re all swimming in Ben Franklins.”

The others had fallen silent, staring at them with confused looks on their faces. “Strider, What the fuck does that even mean?” Karkat asked.

“It means let’s go eat some dead animal and get free shit,” Dave said, an edge of exasperation in his voice. “Because the best food is free food.” 

“On that I think we can all agree,” Rose said. “I apologise for my brother’s indecipherable linguistic stylings. My only advantage in dealing with them is familiarity.” She gestured towards the colourful tents and festivities. “Shall we?”

The little octet divided into pairs as they made their way towards the quad. Rose walked alongside Dave, listening to Jade and John in front of them catching up, as separated siblings usually did. Rose and Dave would catch up eventually, but since they spoke on pesterchum regularly, there was little to catch up on. They had some things to discuss, but those were matters for a time away from their new acquaintances. If there was one thing the Striders and the Lalondes were masters at, it was playing their cards close to the vest. 

Some small talk was probably wise, however. It maintained the facade that they resembled normal teenagers.

“You seen Roxy yet?” Rose asked.

Dave shook his head. “Figured she’d invite us over for a familial meal one of these days.”

“As long as we aren’t subjecting ourselves to her brutal attempts at cooking, I think that could be fun,” Rose replied. “You’d invite Dirk along too, I assume?”

“Gotta have a full Strider-Lalonde reunion up in here,” Dave agreed. “The last time we were all together we’d barely hit puberty.”

Rose chuckled. “Which time?” 

Their conversation was cut short by an explosive honking sound behind them. Rose turned to see Terezi leaning on Vriska, both of them giggling, while the massive troll wiped his nose with his sleeve. He grinned at them, his eyes still slightly unfocused. “Allergies,” he supplied, making Karkat audibly groan. “Makes a motherfucker honk, y’know?”

“You’re an embarrassment to all trollkind,” Karkat muttered. “I should have let you go to fucking clown school.” 

“Don’t be that way, crabman,” Gamzee leaned down and gave the smaller troll a hug, lifting him at least a foot off the pavement. “You know you’d miss me.”

Karkat squirmed in Gamzee’s arms, causing Terezi and Vriska to break into fresh gales of laughter. “PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN RIGHT NOW BEFORE I FEED YOU YOUR OWN BONE BULGE, YOU DEMENTED SHITLORD!”

“Just enjoy the hug man,” Gamzee drawled, his arms tight around his smaller friend, whose legs flailed comically in the air. “It’s good for you.” 

“Grauhuhguaghuaghugh,” Karkat’s shouting slowly softened to low level grumbling, finally calming himself as he seemed to come to his senses and realise they were still outdoors and surrounded by strangers. A few of their fellow students were staring, most of them humans unused to troll customs. Terezi and Vriska left them behind, joining Jade and John as they continued walking towards the party. 

Rose and Dave exchanged another look. “So, this is college,” she said, gesturing behind her to the yelling trolls and then in front of them, where the quad stretched out before them, bustling with students and echoing with the sound of cheering and ambient music. 

Dave grinned at her. “So it is. One could even say….” he paused for dramatic effect. “We are doin’ this thing.”

Rose raised her eyebrows. “Yes,” she agreed. “That same one could further say that we are …” she paused again, aiming for as much dramatic effect as Dave had exhibited. “Making this happen.” 

They laughed, then resumed their walk towards the quad as John and Jade waved them over toward the nearest of the colourful welcome weekend tents and booths. 

“Come on,” Dave turned to make his way toward their excited roommates and the festivities that surrounded them. “Let’s make shit take place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like the Strilonde's memeing at each other to close out a chapter. 
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone for reading! Writing this fic continues to be a blast, and I appreciate every kudos and comment and hit. Y'all are great!


	7. Chapter 5: The Ancient Troll Art of Slam Poetry

Unity Tower was one of a half dozen buildings surrounding Terra University’s quad, and John only had to take a few steps along the path before he was surrounded by a mass of people, human and troll students alike, who had already begun to investigate the festivities.

“It looks like they have booths set up representing various student organizations,” Rose said, taking a map from a welcome kiosk covered in colorful flyers and staffed by two friendly bronze-blooded trolls. “Those might be worth investigating.”

The others crowded around, intrigued. “Ooh, is there a list?” Terezi grabbed the map out of Rose’s hands and gave it a lick. “Mmm, colour-coded!”

“Gross,” Karkat muttered, taking a map of his own from the table. “Hope you weren’t planning on keeping that, Lalonde.”

“Are you saying my blindness isn’t welcome here, Karkles?” Terezi said, feigning hurt feelings. “What would your ancestor say if he heard about it, hmm?”

John watched a panicked expression cross Karkat’s face. “Don’t even say his name!” Karkat said, grabbing Terezi’s arm. “He’d never let me hear the end of it if he thought I was talking shit about a blind girl!”

“Then stop being a dick to me!” Terezi elbowed Karkat in his side, making him groan and flail his arms at her.

“The day Karkat stops being a dick is the day we all grow wings and learn to fly,” Vriska said, tossing her hair just so in order to hit Karkat in the face with it, making him sputter and curse. “Come on, Rez, let’s go see which of these student organizations are giving out the most free shit.”

“We should meet up later when we get food,” Jade said, still beaming despite the antics of their troll companions. Jade was always ready with a smile, and her mirth was infectious. John had missed his sister. “After check out the booths we can all pool our resources.”

“Sure, whatever,” Karkat waved a hand. “What time is it?”

“5:21,” Dave said, unmoving. The others exchanged glances and looked at him in surprise. He had not checked a watch or his phone. “What?” he shrugged. “I always know what time it is.”

“He’s right,” Vriska said, holding up her phone to display the time to the rest of them. It was indeed 5:21. “I didn’t know humans could do that.”

“We can’t, normally,” Rose said. “It’s just a Dave thing. He’s always been able to know what time it is. It’s one of his many eccentricities.”

“Of which I’m sure he has a whole fucking bunch,” Karkat muttered. “Everyone go fill your ganderbulbs with extracurricular shenanigans, then meet over by the fountain at 6:30.” The others glanced at each other and Karkat let out an exasperated sigh. “What, nobody else was making a plan, does anybody have a better idea?”

“Long as you don’t let it go to your nubby little head,” Vriska said, smirking. “See you nerds later.”

Terezi and Vriska set off towards the northern cluster of booths lining the green, leaving the rest of them to examine the maps and flyers.

“Oh, holy motherfuck,” Gamzee drawled as he peered down over Karkat’s shoulder at the map. “They have a jugglin’ club!”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go check it out.” They set off to the north as well, Gamzee letting out another small ‘honk’ as he followed his friend.

“Well, I’ve been meaning to sign up for one of these music ensembles,” Dave said, folding a map up and slipping it into the pocket of his jeans. “Wanna check ‘em out, Egbert?”

“Sure,” John grinned. “My dad’ll be happy I’m still playing the piano.”

“I find myself intrigued by the multicultural activities booths,” Rose mused. “I think I will go investigate all of my options.”

“I’ll come with you,” Jade said, pocketing her own copy of the map. “Science clubs are right next to to the multicultural stuff and I want to see what their horticulture club has going on!”

John and Dave waved goodbye to the girls and they headed towards the student union to the south, where a number of performing arts booths were set up.

“So are you majoring in music?” John asked Dave as they walked through the crowd. They went at a slow pace, stopping occasionally to look at the flyers and stickers on the tables they passed.

“Yeah,” Dave replied, seeming to survey the crowd through his shades. “Can’t get enough of it.”

“Do you write music?”

“Sometimes,” Dave shrugged. “I have such a fucking cornucopia of hobbies it’s hard to keep ‘em straight.”

“I know that feeling,” John said, brushing his hair out of his eyes. “When I’m not just dicking around on the internet I mean.”

“That’s one of my hobbies,” Dave replied. “I collect shitty swords, I have a blog, I draw comics. Sharing the awesome with the multiverse, you know.”

“You draw?”

“In a manner of speaking,” Dave said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “It’s shitty art, but that’s kinda the point.”

“Deliberately shitty art?” John’s eyebrows went up, thinking about the comics he had bookmarked in his web browser.

“It’s ironic,” Dave shrugged again. “That’s just how I do.”

“What’s the name of the comic?”

“Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff.”

John stopped in his tracks, a few people almost running into him as he interrupted the flow of traffic. Dave stopped too, clearly confused.

“Dude,” John began, his eyes wide. “YOU’RE turntechGodhead?”

Dave cracked a smile. “That’s me,” he said. “You’ve read my work?”

“Only every day since middle school!” John said, laughing. “Holy shit, I can’t believe one of my college roommates is the guy who draws Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff!”

Dave looked like he was going to respond, but then the smile left his face as he caught sight of something over John’s shoulder. “Oh shit.”

“What?” John turned to see what had Dave’s attention, and he felt his stomach drop. “Oh. Shit.”

Gamzee and Karkat were standing by a colourful booth strewn with balloons and a painted banner that said ‘Juggling Club’, and the taller troll was nose-to-nose with a curly-horned sea dweller, both of them standing with clenched fists as their respective friends attempted to hold them back. Behind them another troll with large horns sat in a wheelchair, where he looked positively stricken.

“Gamzee!” as they approached John could hear Karkat protesting as he tried to drag his friend away from the other troll, whose violet eyes flickered with furious scorn as he strained against his own friend, an anxious troll with one broken horn. “Come on, it’s not worth it!”

“Fuck off, Karbro,” Gamzee growled, his tone completely different from what John had grown to expect from him. He sounded more lucid, like he had a barely-contained rage simmering beneath the surface. “You heard what this fishy motherfucker said about Tavros.”

“Maybe he was flirting?”

“The FUCK it was,” Gamzee snapped, almost biting the sea dweller’s nose. “That was some motherfucking hemophobic BULLSHIT and you know it.”

“I meant what I said,” the sea dweller said, his voice smooth and condescending. “Your flushed crush doesn’t belong at this institution, and he still wouldn’t even if his legs did work.” He gestured towards the troll in the wheelchair, who cringed and blushed in embarrassment. “He’s got sludge for blood and if we were back on Alternia, he would have been culled before he even made it to nine sweeps.”

“You SHUT THE FUCK UP,” Gamzee roared, his tangle of black hair lashing around him. “This ain’t fuckin’ Alternia, motherfucker, and you ain’t got any kinda authority around here, so fuck off and die before I motherfucking MAKE YOU.”

“Yo,” Dave said, stepping up and holding up one of his hands, not quite getting in between the two massive trolls, but standing close enough that they could both see him. “Everybody relax.”

“Strider?” Karkat gulped, almost letting go of Gamzee, who snarled again at the seadweller. “What the fuck, Egbert? What are you two doing here?”

“We were in the neighborhood,” Dave said, other hand still in his pocket and demeanour still calm. “Saw the commotion.”

“This isn’t any of your business, human,” the sea dweller spat down at him. “Leave before I cull you myself.”

“That isn’t very culturally tolerant of you, dude,” Dave said. John wondered how he could be so incredibly calm. Both of the trolls in front of him were at least a foot and a half taller than him, and were so close to blows that the trolls and humans in the surrounding booths had either taken cover or gone running to find campus security. “We’re supposed to be getting along on this peaceful jewel of a planet, not fighting about the way things were on the hellplanet your people used to call home.”

“Yeah!” John chimed in, though his voice wobbled with fear. He was glad that Dave was between him and the arguing trolls. “We don’t solve our disputes with violence here!”

“Egbert, humans have been murdering each other for millennia,” Karkat growled, exasperation overtaking concern.

“But we found a way around that,” Dave said, removing his other hand from his pocket. “And if I’ve read my xenocultural history right, you’ve done that too.”

The sea dweller troll finally looked down at Dave, his lip curled in a snarl. “What?” he asked, both irritated and perplexed.

Dave rested his hands on his hips. “Troll history,” he said. “Sure, it’s violent and bloody and full of death, and that’s the reason your people left Alternia and made the terrifying journey to find a home on this here planet we call Earth. But I know your people found other ways of coming to blows without any kind of physical altercations.” Dave paused, the setting sun glinting off of his shades. “More artistic ways.”

This time both Gamzee and the sea dweller looked down at Dave, their expressions mirroring each other, each as astounded as the other. The sea dweller finally spoke, his voice pure incredulity. “Are you suggesting that we solve this dispute with the ancient troll art of slam poetry?”

Dave’s expression didn’t change. “That is exactly what I am suggesting.”

A small crowd had begun to gather, a mix of troll and human spectators. John noticed that campus security was still nowhere to be seen. He wondered what was taking them so long.

The two trolls had each taken a step back, Gamzee receiving several pats on the arm from Karkat, who looked like someone had just suggested he tapdance naked on the sun. “Strider!” Karkat hissed. “What are you doing?!”

The sea dweller laughed, derisive and dismissive. “You want me to slam with this lowblood defending disgrace?”

“No way!” Karkat interjected, practically jumping to get the sea dweller’s attention. “No, that is NOT what is going to happen, not even a little.” He ducked around Gamzee and grabbed Dave by the shoulder, leaning in so only Dave and John could overhear. “Gamzee is in no condition to slam!” he hissed. “We can’t do this, we just have to wait until campus security gets here and hope Gam doesn’t lose any limbs in the meantime.”

“Why can’t he slam?” John asked.

Karkat looked embarrassed. “He’s on sopor.”

John blinked, trying not to let his inner judgement take over. He’d gone to human schools, but he’d heard all of the PSAs directed towards young trolls about the dangers of sopor addiction on the thinkpan. No wonder Gamzee seemed spaced out most of the time.

“Doesn’t matter,” Dave said, still nonchalant. “I’ll handle it.”

“What!?” Karkat sputtered, but Dave shoved him to one side, stepping up so that he stood next to Gamzee.

“No man,” he said to the sea dweller troll. “I want you to slam with me.”

The sea dweller’s mouth dropped open, and he wasn’t the only one either. The crowd began to buzz with interest. John stared at the scene in front of him, utterly bewildered. Was Dave actually suggesting what he thought Dave was suggesting?

Karkat’s jaw went slack and he shook his head. “Have you gone completely out of your fucking thinkpan, Strider? He’s a sea dweller, he’ll eat you alive!”

“It’s ok lil man,” Gamzee said, holding out a hand. “You don’t gotta do that for me, I can fight this brinesucking motherfucker.”

“If security gets here, they’ll kick you out of TU before you can even honk, bro,” Dave said. “No hate crimes on campus, and any bullshit fight about the hemospectrum qualifies.”

“He’ll fucking destroy you!” Karkat groaned. “He’s probably been slamming since he pupated, and he’ll fucking eat you alive, and then he’ll wreck our shit on top of that when he's done! You gotta back off!”

“This really doesn’t seem like a good idea, Dave,” John said, voice still shaking. Karkat was right, there was no way the sea dweller could lose a slam session. John had been watching competitive slam on TV his whole life and he knew that the upper echelons of the hemocaste studied and practiced it the way human kids did little league. “We should just wait for security and let them handle it.”

“No, you know what,” the sea dweller finally spoke, a cruel smile ringing his fangs. “I accept. I will slam with you, human.”

The crowd gasped. It seemed to be getting bigger, many students abandoning their booths and their food to see what the commotion was about.

“What?!” Karkat sputtered.

The sea dweller’s friend looked similarly shocked. “Xiphus,” she hissed. “What are you doing?!”

“For a human to challenge one of royal blood?” the sea dweller, Xiphus, laughed. “It is so amusing it should be played out to the ultimate point of humiliation.” He crossed his arms, radiating confidence and smug aggrandizement. “Let us slam, and when I am finished with you, your shitblooded friends can scrape you up off the pavement.”

Dave raised his chin to Xiphus, a pillar of calm defiance. “Bring it on, fishbro,” he said. “They’ll be cleaning your piss off the walls by the time we’re done.”

Karkat and John exchanged glances. John was sure they were thinking the same thing. Dave was clearly the epitome of cool, but no way was Dave that cool.

They were about to witness a verbal slaughter the likes of which nobody had ever seen, and there was nothing they could do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger Time go! 
> 
> Thanks again to everyone who's been reading and leaving comments and kudos! I appreciate you checking out my little AU.


	8. Chapter 6: Saving Lives With Sick Beats

The crowd surrounding the altercation at the juggling club booth had grown, humans and trolls alike muttering and heckling the impromptu slam battle. Throughout the crowd money changed hands as the gathering spectators began to place bets. Dave could feel the eyes on him, hear the shouts of encouragement and cries of insults, the verbal soup of heckling and support, and his lips twitched into a smile.

He was in his element.

Xiphus appointed his friend to conduct the ceremonial coin toss, which landed in Dave’s favor, meaning the sea dweller would go first. The two of them stood facing each other in the center of a small circle composed of the gathering crowd, and the mood was electric, both trolls and humans excited and increasingly yelling taunts or encouragement at both sides.

Dave could see Karkat standing with John on the inner edge of the crowd, his head in his hands. Gamzee sat on the ground next to him, looking confused and a little scared. “How is this happening?” Karkat’s voice carried easily. “What the fuck is he doing?”

“Trying to resolve the situation without a fight?” John guessed.

“He’s completely shithive maggots!” Karkat sputtered. “I don’t know how he expects to pull this off! He’s gonna get slaughtered!”

Dave turned to his left so he could get a clear look at his roommates. Karkat stopped yelling, his expression still stricken, and John raised his eyebrows, as if to say ‘are you sure about this?’

Dave squared his jaw and gave them all a simple thumbs up. The sun was almost set below the buildings to the West, and the lights decorating the welcome event flickered off of his shades. He allowed his smile to widen, giving them a physical confirmation.

Don’t worry. I’ve got this.

Xiphus continued to look unimpressed, not that Dave could blame him. The sea dweller was well over seven feet tall and he wore an immaculately tailored vest and trousers. His hair was slicked back with oil, his horns curling over his forehead, and his perfectly manicured hands were covered in gold jewelry. He was a stark contrast to Dave’s messy white-blonde hair, his red t-shirt with a picture of a record on it, his scuffed sneakers, and his ragged jeans.

They must have been quite the sight. Dave hoped somebody was taking pictures.

“First round,” Xiphus’s friend stepped in between them, holding up a microphone. Dave vaguely wondered where the hell she had gotten in from until he realized that the juggling club was next to the slam poetry society. Talk about convenient. “You each get a sixteen followed by a rebuttal round. No physical contact. Xiphus slams first.”

“So I shall,” Xiphus confirmed, cracking his knuckles with a series of disgusting pops and setting his jaw. “Are you ready to be grub sauce, human?”

Dave smirked. “Hit me with your best shot, fishface.”

Xiphus took a step back, planting his feet and holding up the microphone. The crowd fell silent, hushed and waiting, ready to hear the violet-blooded sea dweller engage in the ancient art of his ancestors. Dave did not move, hands by his sides, and he waited, listening, as Xiphus began the battle:

_So you think that you can slam, swim with the big fish?_  
_Time to get schoolfed ‘cause boy you better wish_  
_You better hope you better pray to whatever human god_  
_That Xiphus Salera takes pity on your odd_  
_Squishy pink mammal face and your stupid dark shades_  
_Why you hidin’ from the sun instead of throwing it parades?_  
_You think that you can jam with a brother from alternia_  
_My rhymes are so freshly caught that fish got a hernia_  
_I been throwin’ down since I first pupated_  
_If you don’t back off then you’ll get educated_  
_On what the highblooded prince of the seas gotta say to ya_  
_I’m the genus superior, my whole being towers over ya_  
_So don’t mess with the sharks and the motherglubbin’ royalty_  
_Don’t question my rhymes and don’t question my loyalty_  
_Go play in the dirt with your shitblooded friends_  
_You can’t touch this, and that’s where my jam ends._

The crowd erupted in cheers and boos, scattered applause echoing around them. John had gone slightly green on the sidelines, and Karkat and Gamzee still looked nervous.

Xiphus gave an imperious little bow to the crowd and he turned back to give Dave a scornful look. “You can still forfeit, human,” he sneered.

“Nah,” Dave said, holding out his hand. “Give me the mic.”

Xiphus turned up his nose, but handed Dave the microphone. The crowd began to buzz and whisper again, and Dave turned to look at the troll Gamzee had gotten into trouble trying to defend.

“Yo, Tavros,” he said into the microphone, his voice reverberating around the little crowd. “Give me a beat.”

Tavros blinked, but he put his hands to his mouth in acquiescence, beginning a simple beat box rhythm.

Dave grinned. One hundred percent his element. He saw trolls and humans alike with their phones out and he said a little prayer to the rap gods that this shit would go viral. He planted his feet, held the microphone loosely in his hand, and began:

_Might not be from alternia but yo I ain’t lyin’_  
_When I tell you that the rhymes I spit are straight up terrifyin’_  
_You’ll be cryin’ while you’re tryin to run from what I’m buyin’_  
_When you’re sellin’ pure shit instead of blood while testifyin’_  
_You got some kind of superior existence subsistence_  
_Cause your grape candy blood means you think that there’s some difference_  
_‘Tween you and my brothers all across the hemospectrum_  
_I rapped with bigger fish than you and guess what son I rekt ‘em_  
_Your kingdom don’t mean jack when you’re down in my town_  
_So look around hear the sound that’s been vibin’ on the ground_  
_Yo shit has hit the fan you bit off more than you could chew_  
_When you got up in my brother’s face like he’s worth less than you_  
_I’d take twelve Gamzee Makaras over one Xiphus Salera_  
_So swim upstream and lay your eggs and cry and die in terror_  
_‘Cause you don’t rule jack shit when you’re empire’s a disaster_  
_Bow down to your king, I’m the real puppet master._

The crowd erupted, a much louder cheer than they’d given at the end of Xiphus’s slam. Dave crossed his arms, surveying the crowd with a continued air of calm, observing his opponent, who was now extremely flustered. Whatever the sea dweller had been expecting, it certainly hadn’t been that.

“Holy shit,” Dave heard Karkat breathe. He could see Gamzee smiling and John had a fist in the air, cheering. Further back in the crowd Dave could see that the rest of their earlier group had come to investigate the source of the commotion, Rose leaning against a tree while Jade stood on tiptoes, her eyes sparkling. Dave gave his sister a thumbs up and she responded with a nod.

“Shut the fuck up everyone!” Xiphus’s friend yelled and waved her arms around. “Rebuttal round! Slam with the most cheers wins the battle, Xiphus has the floor!”

Dave passed the microphone back to his opponent, who was flushed violet with barely contained embarrassment. He grinned. “Hit me, whalebait,” Dave said. “I’m open.”

A few of the highblooded trolls in the crowd yelled out encouragement to Xiphus, most of them cries of “kick his glubbing ass” and “crush the human, don’t take that from him!” Xiphus raised a hand, trying to regain his imperious bearing, and pointed to his friend, who began to drop a beat. Less refined than Tavros, but it would do. Xiphus took in a long breath, growled lightly, and began, gripping the microphone tight.

_Your thin white skin hides the sad blood of mutants_  
_Go bleed out and save this space for real students_  
_Of poetic mastery and ancient tradition_  
_My bloodline’s the colour that pays your tuition_  
_A grub like you’s got some steel reserve nerve_  
_Getting in my face like my time’s something you deserve_  
_I’ve culled stronger chum than you and lived to tell the tale_  
_So forgive me if I think your words are sorta stale_  
_Take your clown friend and short shell and submit to my rhymes_  
_‘Cause I’ve laid the slam down hundreds of times_  
_This empire’s not dead it’s just lying in wait_  
_And when we come for you you know we’ll devastate_  
_Respect the hemospectrum, it exists for a reason_  
_And wasting my time with you’s almost high treason_  
_We dwell in the seas and we dominate the galaxy_  
_So back off and admit that you just shouldn’t mess with me._

A few of the highblood supporters behind Xiphus let out hoots of triumph, but the crowd mostly stayed quiet. Dave knew they were waiting for his rebuttal. Xiphus passed him the microphone with another growl, his rage clearly throwing him off. Dave knew the type. His rhymes had been strong but safe, and that meant it was time to bring something new.

Holding the microphone, Dave pointed to Tavros, who gave him a grin and began to beatbox anew, a more complex beat that hummed through Dave’s blood like a symphony. The crowd yelled out some encouragement, and he could hear Terezi’s distinct voice in the back yelling “Kick his ass, Strider!” He grinned, microphone in hand, and laid it down:

_I may bleed red but I’m well read, yeah I know your race’s history_  
_You cull and kill and paint the walls with blood, it ain’t no mystery_  
_But when your ancestors bled and fled the crime scene_  
_They left behind the bloodshed, they wiped the slate clean_  
_They came here after floating through space for millennia_  
_You pupated here on earth boy, you ain’t even from Alternia_  
_You talk big about sweeps and cullin’ and blood colour_  
_Bitch I cook fish like you with sea salt and lemon butter_  
_Grind your ass into a paste and scrape your gills off the pavement_  
_Do a kickflip with your thinkpan so you know just what I meant_  
_This planet’s your rest stop so stop with your complex_  
_You’re here as my guest so be payin’ some respects_  
_The hemospectrum’s dead, someone get a spade and bury it_  
_Cry while my verbal violence rains down cause you can’t handle it_  
_That’s where I’m gonna leave you Xiphus, and fuck it_  
_Go cry to your empress and stick your bulge in a bucket._

He dropped the mic, sending it bouncing across the pavement. “OH SNAP!” someone yelled behind him, and the crowd burst into a loud collection of jeers and ‘ohhhhh no he didn’t’s. Xiphus stumbled backwards, aghast, and Dave could see Karkat and Gamzee out of the corner of his eye with their mouths open.

“I was wrong,” John said to the two trolls. “He really is that cool.”

“Strider wins!” Xiphus’s friend yelled before being grabbed by the sea dweller, who leaned down to snarl in Dave’s face.

“This isn’t over, human,” he growled, spit landing on Dave’s shades. “You may be able to slam but I’ll be the one wiping your blood off my hands.”

“Okay,” Dave said, not flinching. “That sounds fake, but okay.”

“GRAAAAGH!” Xiphus yelled, his friends now dragging him away, reminding him that under the terms of the battle he had lost, he had to forfeit. “DAMN YOU, STRIDER!”

Dave raised a hand to wave goodbye, smirking. “Whatever,” he said. “Bye Felicia. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out to the garbage.”

Xiphus snarled again, but the crowd descended upon Dave and separated them until his friends convinced him to slink away. Dave felt a pair of arms around him and he looked to see Gamzee giving him a hug.

“Thanks human bro,” the tall troll said, smiling. “I really thought I was gonna have to kill him.”

“No problem,” Dave said, extricating himself from the hug and giving Gamzee a fist bump. “Sometimes violence is the answer, but shit’s better when the answer is rap.”

“How did you know you could beat him?” John exclaimed, throwing an arm around Dave’s shoulder. “That was incredible!”

“I didn’t,” Dave said, shrugging, though he still grinned. “Never turn down a chance to throw down though.”

“Bullshit,” Karkat said from his spot next to Gamzee. “You had to have known he was easily thrown off, or that he was a shitty slammer, or something, there’s no way a human can do that!”

Dave quirked his eyebrows, giving Karkat a grin. “Have a little faith, Karkat,” he said. “Maybe I’m just that good!”

“You’re so full of shit, Strider,” Karkat scowled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He was grateful, Dave could tell, even if he was determined to believe Dave had actually prepared for that altercation.

“So, uhh, you’re joining the slam poetry team, right?” Tavros approached Dave anxiously, clearly also grateful. “I just joined but I bet the others would love to have you lay down the beats for TU.”

“Count on it,” Dave said. “It’s what I’m all about.”

“It’s true,” Dave heard Rose behind him, she and the other girls having finally fought through the crowd to reach him. “That’s why he’s majoring in music and poetry.”

“Wait, your other major is poetry?!” John exclaimed. “That’s so nerdy!”

Dave gave John a look. “Ain’t nothin’ nerdy about the ancient troll art of slam poetry, dude,” he said. “That shit is life or death, or didn’t you notice the fish dude threatening to floss with my tendons?”

“Even so,” John grinned. “That’s still pretty nerdy.”

“Dave’s secretly as nerdy as the rest of us,” Rose added, giving Dave a pat on the back. “He just won’t admit it.”

“Admit to nothing and you’ll remain mysterious and untouchable,” Dave responded, but he hated to admit to himself that he could feel a curl of relief in his stomach. Saying you were majoring in poetry was nerdy by itself, sure, but winning a rap battle with a sea dwelling douche went a long way for maintaining street cred.

He wasn’t poetry geek Dave Strider, he was rap battle dominator Dave Strider. Coolkid persona secured. College was gonna be a breeze.

“That was a stupid risk,” Vriska noted. She hung back from the main group, mostly glaring at straggling passersby who wanted to congratulate Dave, chasing them off. “If he’d won you’d be a stain on the grass. Why not just let them fight it out?”

“Because hemocaste fights are a zero tolerance situation, Vriska,” Dave said. “If security had caught them trying to kill each other Gamzee would have been expelled faster than any of us could blink.”

“So what?” Vriska said. “Why do you care?”

“Fuck you Serket,” Karkat growled. “Strider saw a situation, assessed it, and diffused it. Who gives a shit about his motivations?”

“I do,” she responded, crossing her arms. “Nobody jumps in and challenges a violet-blood to a rap off without an agenda.”

“No agenda,” Dave shrugged. “Just helping out a new friend. Besides, I grew up around kids fighting over the hemospectrum, shit really chaps my bulge.”

“Well, thanks, I appreciate it,” Tavros chimed in. “I don’t want Gamzee getting hurt because of me.” He turned and headed back to the slam poetry club table, Gamzee waving after him.

“Oh jeeeeeeeegus,” Vriska groaned once Tavros was out of earshot. “Gamzee was defending Tavros? Anything with him at the source has to be a complete idiotfest.”

Gamzee growled a bit and Karkat put a hand on his forehead, patting it and muttering ‘shoosh, shoosh’.

“Vriska,” Terezi warned. “High school is over, you can lay off of him now.”

“Whatever,” Vriska rolled her eyes. All of them. It was disconcerting. She glanced at Dave and gave him a nod. “Guess you aren’t as lame as I thought you were. You’re all right, for a human.”

“Glad I got your approval, spider-eyes,” Dave said, his lips twitching up in a smirk. “Obviously I was gonna die without it.”

The crowd had finally dissipated, the club representatives returning to their booths and trying to act like they hadn’t just witnessed a brutal verbal throwdown. Dave pushed his shades back up the bridge of his nose and sighed, looking at the sunset. “So, what did the rest of you do while I was busy saving lives with sick beats?”

“Worked up an appetite,” Terezi said, licking her lips. “That barbeque smells incredible.”

“Let’s eat,” Karkat agreed. “Almost getting killed worked my appetite up too.”

“You were never in any danger, Karkles,” Terezi said, sniffing. “Strider here was doing all the work.”

“It’s all good,” Dave held up his hands in mock modesty. “Don’t crowd me all at once, I’ll sign autographs under the big tree, one at a time, folks.”

“Shut up Strider,” Karkat muttered. “You’re good, but you aren’t that good.”

“I’m exactly as good as I need to be,” Dave said, still smirking. “At least I am when I’m saving your ass.”

“I would have resolved the situation if you hadn’t barged in all fly beats and so-called sick bullshit!” Karkat grumbled. “I was biding my time.”

“Whatever,” Terezi gave him an elbow to the ribcage. “Less bickering, more barbecue! I smell grub sauce!”

The group headed across the green towards the colourful food tables, laughing and chattering with the tense situation almost forgotten. They found a place to sit under an oak tree near the fountain and ate an unhealthy amount of barbecue. By the time they were done, the sun had fully set and the various clubs and organizations had begun to pack up their wares. The little group returned to Unity Tower and their respective suites, and Dave and Gamzee stayed up playing Mario Kart until after two AM when Karkat yelled at them to shut the fuck up already, some people were trying to sleep.

***

“You can’t be serious,” Scratch’s tone of voice reflected his words, a picture of fed up incredulity. “A _rap battle_?”

“Exactly that, Boss,” Jack Noir said, embarrassed and pissed off. “The younger Strider human diffused the hostile situation between the kid Makara troll and our agent.”

“With a rap battle.”

“I couldn’t believe it either.”

Scratch paused, clearly pondering on the other side of the viewscreen. Noir waited impatiently. “This is acceptable,” he finally said.

“It is?” Noir asked, unable to keep the scorn out of his voice.

“While I had hoped we would provoke the Makara boy into a physical altercation, this serves a similar purpose,” Scratch said. “We have now observed what happens when these children must face conflict. What did you do with security?”

“Led them on a wild goose chase across the southern campus,” Noir said. “By the time they actually heard about the incident, it was already done and dusted.”

“Why did you not use the signal jammer?”

Noir sighed. “It… needs repairs.”

A pause.

“You spilled coffee on it, didn’t you?”

“I had a late night trying to coordinate with Salera,” Noir snapped. “It’s fixable.”

“No matter,” Scratch waved a shadowy hand. “Continue to observe the young descendents as they begin their time at the university. Manufacture conflict whenever you are able. The incident between the young Strider and agent Salera was an effective test run for your network. Proceed with your plans and report back to me as scheduled.”

“You got it boss,” Noir muttered as the screen went black. “They’ll never see me coming.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The most fun part of this chapter was writing the raps, naturally. 
> 
> And hey, how else would Dave Strider calm shit down? Fly beats and sick rhymes. Even if one of his majors is poetry. 
> 
> Thanks again to everyone reading and leaving comments and kudos! y'all are great and I appreciate you! <3
> 
> EDIT: I have recorded and posted audio of Dave and Xiphus having their rap battle [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7220776). Check it out!


	9. Chapter 7: Absolute Scads of Free Time

Breakfast in suite 1413 was a surprisingly active affair, all four of the occupants being early to rise and having Opinions on what should be eaten. Rose had offered to make pancakes, but the overwhelming assessment had been that this would take too much time. The four of them went through the assortment of groceries Vriska and Terezi had picked up the day before and before long they were sprawled across the living area of the suite with assortments of toast, juice, coffee, and cereal, cartoons playing on the TV Vriska had provided.

“I still think it’s a ridiculous coincidence,” Terezi said, ignoring the TV in favour of her laptop, which she frequently gave discerning licks to deduce the contents of webpages.

“It’s not a coincidence,” Rose was knitting a sweater in between bites of toast. “I talked to Roxy and she says that when she went to the board of directors meeting a couple of months ago she and the other founders all talked and discovered that their various and sundry siblings and descendants were attending TU in the fall.”

“Which makes sense,” Vriska shrugged, munching on dry cereal. Rose didn’t know what was in Grubby-Os but they were apparently addictive, as the troll girl had already consumed half the box. “They offer free tuition to descendants of TU’s founders.”

“That still doesn’t explain how we ended up in the same dorm suite,” Terezi muttered, her tongue half out of her mouth.

“Roxy pulled some strings with the head of housing,” Rose continued. “She thought it would be, and I quote, ‘so awesome if my little half-sibs could meet the descendents of all my kickass cofounders of this instittyution’.”

“‘Instittyution’?” Jade repeated, tilting her head to one side. She was sitting on the floor again, cross-legged and eating a grapefruit.

“My older sister has a propensity for alcoholic beverages,” Rose said, sipping some orange juice. “Her messages are often rife with drunken error.”

“I can see my ancestor wanting to make sure I make friends,” Vriska shrugged. She had moved on to eating Grubby-Os right out of the box. “I didn’t socialize much outside of school.”

“Yeah,” Terezi muttered. “And when you did it ended in tears and disaster.”

“Rez, that was one time,” Vriska protested. “Maybe two times.”

“Irregardless,” Terezi said, sticking her tongue out at Vriska. “I think it’s wicked cool that my name’s on the political science building.”

“Your ancestor’s name,” Vriska corrected.

“Same difference!” Terezi threw one of her Grubby-Os at Vriska. “We’re both Pyropes!”

“Which is fascinating in and of itself,” Rose murmured. “Traditional troll culture made it essentially impossible to be in contact with one’s direct ancestors, didn’t it?”

“So they tell us,” Terezi shrugged. “Troll life on earth isn’t exactly traditional.”

“That’s okay,” Jade smiled. “Growing up on an island with a dog and the occasionally visiting uncle isn’t exactly traditional either.”

Rose’s phone beeped and she finished the row on her sweater before checking it. Dave on pesterchum again. She opened the application to see what her twin wanted.

\-- TurntechGodhead [TG] began pestering TentacleTherapist [TT] on 08.21.16 at 09:30 --

TG: yo Ro  
TT: Consider this my acknowledgement of your yo.  
TG: sup  
TG: get a good nights sleep in the dorm that brings alien races together in friendship?  
TT: My bed is sufficiently comfortable. My upstairs neighbors do not appear to sleep, however. I could hear conversation and the insistent beeping of videogames well into the wee hours.  
TG: dorm living is a struggle we all gotta adapt to  
TG: Anyway I got a text from the pharmacy we transferred those prescriptions to. They’re ready for pickup  
TT: That’s good news. After all of this travel and moving, I have been running rather low.  
TG: Same. Wanna go pick that shit up today? Pharmacy opens at ten  
TT: Absolutely. Meet you in the lobby at 9:45?  
TG: It’s a date  
TT: I’ll relay that to Dr. Freud. See you in fifteen minutes.

\-- TentacleTherapist[TT] ceased pestering TurntechGodhead [TG] at 09:35 -- 

Rose packed up her knitting and went to locate her shoes. Jade had moved into the kitchen and she perked up as Rose walked by.

“Going somewhere?” she asked.

“I’m meeting Dave downstairs,” Rose said. “We have a few things to pick up at the pharmacy.”

“Ooh!” Jade’s entire face lit up. “I need to pick up a couple of things too! Can I come with you?”

Rose faltered, struggling to keep her face neutral. She masked her silence with a deliberate rummage through her closet to find shoes. “Sure,” she said, once she had emerged and regained both her footwear and her composure. “The more the merrier.”

“Enjoy your human pharmaceuticals,” Terezi said from her spot on the couch. “I’m going to throw cereal at Vriska until she lets me watch TV.”

“Watching TV involves you slobbering all over my screen!” Vriska scowled. “Watch cartoons on your laptop, it’s already covered in your nasty spit.”

“Do either of you need anything?” Rose asked the troll girls, checking that her keys were in her pocket.

“Grub sauce,” Vriska said without looking away from the TV. “The green kind.”

“And orange creamsicles!” Terezi said, grinning.

“I’ll add those to the list,” Rose deadpanned. “It is extensive and will take us many hours to complete.”

“Have fun,” Terezi replied. “Give your brother a lick for me.”

“Gross,” Jade muttered.

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Rose shrugged. “See you when we get back.”

The two of them exited the suite and made their way down the hallway towards the elevators, mostly in silence until Jade made a noise of ponderance.

“Yes?” Rose asked.

“Rose,” Jade began. “What exactly IS grub sauce?”

Rose shrugged again. “Dave once described it as being like mayonnaise except mayonnaise is white and doesn’t have grubs in it.”

“Is it safe for humans to eat?”

“I can’t say I’ve tried it,” Rose pressed the ‘down’ button on the elevator and watched the numbers slowly shift. “If it were unsafe for human consumption surely that would be on the label, wouldn’t it?”

“I guess,” Jade mused. “I’d try some if it’s safe though. I’ve never met a condiment I didn’t like.”

The elevator descended rapidly, and they emerged from it to find Dave leaning against the front desk, examining a map of campus through his shades. His face twitched slightly when he saw that Rose had company, but he instantly composed himself, in true Strider-Lalonde fashion, and crossed the lobby to meet them.

“Jade needs to pick up some particulars at the pharmacy,” Rose said to her brother, who nodded and offered Jade his fist, which she bumped. “I said she could walk with us.”

“The more people, the more it’s like a party,” Dave said. “This place is a few blocks south of the gas station by the performing arts center, but it’s close enough that it isn’t worth driving.”

“You have a car?” Jade asked Dave, the three of them exiting Unity Tower and crossing the quad.

“I have the best car,” Dave asserted, walking with his hands in his pockets. “Saved up for her for two summers when I was in high school. She’s legendary.”

Rose snorted. “Dave, I have seen many a picture of this so-called legendary vehicle, and it is closer to being a legendary piece of shit than anything else.”

“Don’t talk about my daughter like that,” Dave said in mock horror. “You’re the worst aunt to ever grace the face of planet Earth.”

Jade giggled. “I wish I had a car,” she said. “Though, to be fair, having a car isn’t much use when you can’t drive.”

“You can’t drive?” Dave’s horror was almost genuine this time. “You’ve been that deprived of the american teenage experience?”

“She grew up on an island, Dave,” Rose pointed out. “Hard to learn how to drive when you live in the middle of the Pacific ocean.”

“Even so,” Dave said. “This shit will not stand. Next time you’re free, you and me Jade, we’re gonna find an empty parking lot and I’m gonna teach you how to drive.”

“Really?” Jade looked thrilled. “That sounds fantastic!”

“Because as incoming Freshmen we have absolute scads of free time,” Rose said, sarcastic but smiling nonetheless.

“Hey, I’ve got nothing but time,” Dave declared as they crossed the quad towards the southern part of campus. “I can find it anywhere, just watch me.”

Jade giggled again. “So, what did the two of you need from the pharmacy?”

Rose exchanged a quick glance with Dave before shrugging. “A few necessities,” she said. It wasn’t a lie. “I neglected to bring some of my toiletries also, and need to restock.”

“Yeah,” Dave nodded. “And if I don’t shave then I can’t maintain these boyish good looks.” He patted the side of his face, still the epitome of composure.

“Your boyish good looks take rigorous maintenance?” Rose mused, smiling. She was glad the two of them had the chance to spend time together in person, even if it was just a real-life replication of the majority of their conversations online.

“The most rigorous,” Dave said. “The mad rigors. My morning routine is the stuff of legends. Egbert’s gonna have to fight me for the shower every day.”

“At least you aren’t as bad as Dirk,” Rose noted.

“True enough,” Dave shrugged. “Dude loves his ablutions.”

“Dirk is your older brother?” Jade asked, curious.

“Half brother, technically,” Rose said. “Our family tree has many branches, and each of them comes with a complex and thrilling tale that belongs in the annals of epic literature.”

“My family’s like that too,” Jade nodded. “Starting college is probably the first time we've all been in the same city since I was a kid.”

“Family’s always complicated,” Dave shrugged, fidgeting with his phone. “Looks like that’s the pharmacy across the street. What all did you need, Jade?”

Rose felt her pocket vibrate and she surreptitiously checked her messages. Dave had indeed sent her a discreet text, and she felt slightly relieved. That was her brother, always ready with a plan of action, however the situation changed:

_**Dave:** Me + J to grocery, you get meds, vice versa?_

Rose quickly typed an affirmative response as Jade began to regale Dave with a list of essential items. Plan hatched and easily executed. Jade seemed like a nice person, and like someone both Rose and Dave could easily call a friend, but experience told them both they weren’t ready to reveal all their cards just yet. Or at least, something told Rose to wait for now, and she always listened to her hunches. They tended to have a favorable outcome.

The pharmacy was part of a larger convenience store chain, and Dave immediately pointed out a display with discount seeds on one of the shelves, giving Rose the perfect opportunity to slip away from them and head to the pharmacist’s counter in the back.

“I need to pick up a prescription,” Rose began, hating how self conscious she felt. This happened every time she went to pick this up, somehow not even two years could breed comfort or familiarity.

The pharmacist nodded sedately and tapped something into his computer. “Name?”

Rose swallowed. “It should be under Lalonde,” she said. “Rose Lalonde.”

The pharmacist typed a few things into the computer, looked as if he was about to ask a question, but seemed to think better of it. He turned behind him and placed a small bag on the counter. “Just transferred in,” he said. “From the East coast. You starting up at TU?”

Rose nodded, trying not to seem irritated. She didn’t have time for small talk, the longer she took the more difficult it would be for Dave to keep Jade distracted. “Yes.” she said.

The pharmacist missed this and continued to converse, though thankfully it was in a hushed tone. “I’ve got a niece going through the same… treatment as you,” he said. “If you’re new in the area, I can recommend a good support group.”

“Thanks,” Rose said curtly, her cheeks burning. “Next time maybe. I’m in a bit of a rush.”

The pharmacist, thankfully, seemed to finally get the message, and quickly rang her up. “Cash or card?”

Rose wordlessly thumbed a small stack of dollars out of her wallet and slid them across the counter, grabbing the medication like it was some kind of lifeline. “Keep the change,” she said.

“Have a nice day!” The man called to her as she walked away as quickly as politeness would allow, stuffing the bag into her purse. She breathed easy for a moment, recomposing herself, and went looking for her brother and her roommate.

Jade and Dave had moved on from groceries into greeting cards, and the two of them were laughing over insipid birthday messages. Rose joined them, acting casual, and exchanged another glance with Dave as she inserted herself into the conversation.

“Rose, there you are!” Jade said. “Can you believe how ridiculous some of these cards are?” She held one up to Rose’s face, a picture of a fluffy pink kitten wearing a bow with the words ‘I think you’re purrfect’ emblazoned across its stomach.

“That is indeed ridiculous,” Rose agreed, taking the card from Jade and studying it. “Though I have a special place in my heart for dreadful cat puns.”

“They have ones with dogs on them too,” Jade noted, picking up another and chuckling. “‘You make me bark up the wrong tree!’ I wish I knew who made these, they’re so silly.”

Rose saw Dave step away carefully, focusing on maintaining a casual gait, and she refocused her attention on keeping Jade distracted. Her brother’s prescription might be more of a challenge to conceal, so she’d need to come up with a diversion with the potential to take at least ten minutes.

“Do they have notebooks?” Rose asked, making as if she was perusing the shelves. “I have one or two back at the dorm but I feel that over preparedness is the best course of action for the first day of class tomorrow.”

“I saw some down this aisle here,” Jade said, pointing. “Convenient, being able to go to a store and pick up anything without having to wait weeks for it to be delivered via air drop.”

“I suppose living on an island was quite challenging,” Rose commented. She and Jade stopped in front of a shelf full of colourful notebooks. “And lonely.”

“It was tough sometimes,” Jade said. “But it wasn’t too lonely, Bec was always with me.”

“Bec?” Rose asked, picking up a lilac notebook with a picture of an octopus on the cover.

“My dog,” Jade clarified, looking at a green notebook on another shelf. “Becquerel. He’s living with my uncle Jake off campus.”

“A shame you couldn’t bring him to the dorm,” Rose murmured, pretending to consider other notebooks, knowing full well she was absolutely going to get the lilac octopus one. “It would make a lively living situation even more thrilling.”

Jade giggled. “He’s a good dog,” she said, flipping through a notebook with puppies on the cover. Rose noticed that she had several colourful pieces of string tied around her fingers. “I’ll visit him in a few days once Jake is back from his latest expedition.”

“He’s an archeologist, right?” Rose asked, oiling the gears of conversation with probing questions.

“Yeah,” Jade nodded. “He’s head of the department here at TU. It’ll be good to see him more often than a couple of times a year.”

“I know that feeling,” Rose nodded. “Having my brothers and sister nearby is a novel but enjoyable experience.”

“Yeah, it’s good to have brothers around,” Jade grinned. She put down the notebook and squinted. “Speaking of brothers, where did Dave wander off to?”

Rose kept her voice level. “Probably the bathroom,” she said. “My brother has a bladder so small it requires a microscope to view.”

“We need to pick up the things for Terezi and Vriska too,” Jade murmured, fiddling with one of the strings on her finger. “I have no idea what grub sauce looks like.”

“Mostly like this,” Dave’s voice came from the end of the aisle, where he held a bulbous bottle of an unnaturally green condiment. “It comes in varieties, but I’m guessing Spider-eyes is hankerin’ after the classic stuff.”

Dave dropped the bottle of grub sauce into the basket by Jade’s feet and he gave Rose a knowing nod. She responded in kind and finally allowed herself to feel relief, not that she really should have worried in the first place. Eighteen years of scheming and conversing had given them the uncanny ability to pull off the most elaborate of shenanigans. It was as if they hadn’t been raised thousands of miles from each other. Whether it was virtual reality or actual physical locations, their machinations always ran like clockwork. Being transgender was a much simpler process to handle when you and your twin brother were going through it together.

“What else do we need?” Rose asked her companions.

“Orange creamsicles I think,” Jade said. “And I need dog treats.”

They hit the pet food and frozen food aisles in record time, and exited the pharmacy in good spirits.

“Last day of freedom,” Dave said, stretching his limbs as the cool Seattle air whipped around them. “And it’s only 10:45. Do the ladies of suite 1413 have any plans for the rest of the day?”

“None that I know of,” Rose said. “Though at some point I’m sure I will become thoroughly ensconced in my psychology textbook.”

“Well,” Dave said. “I woke up to John fucking around in the kitchen with all manner of baking items, so I know for a fact there’s cake back at my place. You and your roommates could come hang with us, eat junk food, play Mario Kart.”

“I’ve never played Mario Kart,” Jade said. “But John’s told me all about it.”

“Well, we have to fix that in addition to your inability to engage in real-life road rage,” Dave said, giving Jade a smile that Rose was almost certain had been designed purely to make potential romantic interests blush. Jade responded accordingly. “What do you think Rose?”

Rose was about to respond when she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up suddenly, as if a bucket of ice had been dumped down her shirt. She turned to look behind her, wondering what had prompted this feeling that she could only describe as the rising of her hackles, but there was nothing to be seen. The sunny street was devoid of suspicious characters, populated only by other students and the owners of upscale cafes. Something still pricked at the edge of her senses, however, and she looked around with suspicion.

If there was one thing Rose Lalonde hated, it was the feeling of being watched.

“Rose?” Dave asked after a moment, a hint of concern in his voice. “You good?”

Rose shook her head. The prickling at the back of her neck faded and she sighed. “Thought I saw something,” she said. “I was wrong. Let’s go back to the dorm and investigate John Egbert’s sugary confections.”

Dave snorted. “That’s what she said.”

Rose rolled her eyes as Jade erupted in yet another explosive gigglefit. At this point she expected nothing less from either of them, and that kind of reassurance helped put the discomfort she had felt moments ago out of her mind and be replaced with a newfound sense of camaraderie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose has a Bad Feeling About This. #suspense
> 
> Also, Trans Strilondes? In MY fanfiction? It's more likely than you think! 
> 
> (because I headcanon trans!Strilondes whenever I can because I am the trans headcanoner. It is me). 
> 
> Thanks again to everyone for reading! Knowing people enjoy this wacky AU keeps me writing away.
> 
> NOTE: There is now audio of Dave's rap battle with Xiphus! Check it out [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7220776)!


	10. Chapter 8: A Whole New Wealth of Creative Insults

Jade had to resist the urge to laugh when Rose handed Vriska the bottle of grub sauce. The troll girl looked like she’d just been given a million dollars and a pony made of diamonds, cradling the puke-green bottle while whispering affectionate terms along the line of promising that they would never be parted again.

That was weird, even for troll culture. Not that Jade could judge a person’s attachment to alien condiments. The day she had figured out how to make her own barbecue sauce had been a coup for both her and Bec.

“Dave invited us down to consume sugary baked goods and interact with him and our other friends,” Rose informed the others while Jade put away her bottles of shampoo and conditioner in the bathroom. “Mario Kart was mentioned.”

“I’m the best at Mario Kart, even if Vriska won’t let me lick the TV,” Terezi said, closing her laptop. “I’m ready to decimate those wigglers.”

“Team Scourge needs to maintain its reputation, after all,” Vriska said, putting the grub sauce in the fridge. “Not that I’m worried. Karkat has always sucked at videogames.”

“These humans present a challenge to our reign, however,” Terezi said, grinning wider. “I suggest we go forth and destroy them and celebrate with sugar.”

“That’s the spirit,” Rose said in the deadpan tone Jade was already becoming accustomed to. “I will inform Dave of our impending arrival and warn him and his suitemates to clothe themselves appropriately to prepare for their digital destruction.”

Terezi snorted. “Lalonde, has anyone ever told you that you use ten words when an average sentient life form would only use one?”

“Daily,” Rose replied, taking a small paper bag out of her purse and retreating briefly to her room. Jade pretended not to notice. Their excursion to the pharmacy had involved some kind of twin shenanigans x2 combo executed by Dave and Rose to maintain a level of secrecy over something they clearly weren’t ready to share with her.

Not that this bothered Jade. Everyone had their secrets. They’d share whatever it was when they felt comfortable with her. Until then, they would be sneaky and she would feign obliviousness. It was easy for a girl raised alone on an island to act confused and naive, after all.

Just another college adventure. She was more than ready for it.

The boys had already begun a videogame marathon by the time Jade and her suitemates knocked on the door of 413. Dave and Karkat were loudly engaging in a one-on-one showdown while Gamzee and John both occupied the kitchen, the troll holding a mixing bowl and wearing a chef’s hat made out of construction paper.

“Ladies,” Dave called from his spot on the couch. “Enter and witness my total ruination of Karkat Vantas’s Mario Kart career.”

“I will get my revenge, Strider,” Karkat snarled from his spot on the floor. “So help me I will run your stupid bullshit character off the rainbow road and then I will SHIT IN YOUR SHOES GODDAMNIT.”

“Such a flagrant solicitation, Karkles,” Terezi smirked from the doorway. “Should we give you two the room?”

“What?!” Karkat nearly dropped his controller, and Jade watched as Dave swerved and made good on his promise to decimate his competition. Karkat swore some more while Dave laughed.

“Dude,” he said. “You literally have no chill.”

“How can I have chill when these flighty broads are throwing me off my game?” Karkat waved a vindictive hand at them as Rose settled down on the chair next to the TV, getting out her knitting. She paid the angry troll no mind, giving her brother a nod.

“That would require you to have game to throw,” Vriska said, smirking, as she crossed into the kitchen to peer over John’s shoulder. “What are you boys cooking up?”

John jumped slightly as he turned around to face her. He had oven mitts on and an apron that said ‘world’s greatest dad’ on it. “Gamzee and I have discovered a mutual love for baking!” John explained, his voice squeaking. Jade resisted the urge to snort. That was her brother, ever the smooth operator.

“Yeah girl,” Gamzee drawled as he stirred something unidentifiable and green in his mixing bowl. “Turns out the Egg man has a deep love for all kinds of confections.”

Vriska turned up her nose at Gamzee, looking suspiciously at him. “Please tell me that pie isn’t full of hallucinogens,” she said, grimacing.

“Nah,” Gamzee shook his head. “Karbro said none of the good pies can happen in the dorm, so it’s just key lime. Damn I love those little limes, they’re fucking adorable.”

“Stop policing my moirallegiance, Serket,” Karkat growled. He had retrieved the controller from where he had dropped it and was back to losing horribly, at least as far as Jade could tell. “At least my diamond quadrant isn’t filled with someone who licks things to claim them as her own.”

“You just wish I was back in your hearts, Karkles,” Terezi smirked, joining Gamzee in the kitchen to stick a long black-nailed finger into the pie filling. “You know you miss me.”

“We dated for two weeks in ninth grade, Terezi,” Karkat said, exasperated. “Stop pretending I’m not over it.”

“Only when you stop waxing flushed for me, nubbyhorns,” Terezi licked the edge of her finger. “Damn Gamz, is this a new recipe? I love it.”

“Troll romance sounds confusing as hell,” Jade commented. She noticed that Dave had made a space for her next to him on the couch. Looks like he was making good on his promise to teach her how to play Mario Kart. She sat down next to him, crosslegged on the couch. He smelled like autumn leaves and citrus mixed with something smoky, like a campfire.

Karkat snorted. “Your human brain couldn’t even begin to process the complex machinations required to navigate the treacherous waters of troll dating.”

“Which is why I don’t,” Dave said, expertly flicking buttons on his controller. “And stick to exclusively kicking troll ass at videogames.”

“SWISS FUCKING CHEESE GODDAMNIT,” Karkat yelled, making Jade jump slightly. “You can shove the rainbow road up your human nook until your soul BURNS IN HELL.”

“I have a feeling that playing this game with you is gonna give me a whole new wealth of creative insults,” Dave said, lazily grinning as he completed the level. He reached down to the game system and picked up a third controller, holding it out to Jade. “Still want me to be your driving instructor?”

“Go easy on me,” Jade said, giggling. “The only videogame I’ve ever played is Pokemon.”

“Don’t you dare, Strider,” Karkat spat, turning around to glare at them, his grey eyes narrow with a clearly overblown sense of righteous fury. “If you’re going to kick my ass, you’d better go equally as hard against the pretty human girl.”

“I go as hard for pretty human girls as I do for cute shouty alien boys,” Dave countered, making Jade blush and Karkat sputter. “Now, let’s have one more race before we teach Jade how it’s done.”

Jade took the controller, her face still hot, though she took some comfort in the fact that Karkat was as flustered as she was. Dave Strider was a smoother operator than she had anticipated.

“Don’t listen to him,” Rose said, not looking up from her knitting. “Dave will say anything to throw off his opponents.”

“Rose, I’m hurt,” Dave said, putting a hand on his chest. “Do you doubt my romantic advances?”

“I am as skeptical of them as I am any other action taken by you, brother mine,” Rose replied. “Your propensity for ironic ridiculosity produces a multitude of meanings in every action you partake in.”

“Except in Mario Kart,” Dave tapped a few buttons on the controller. “My motivations are completely transparent.”

“Motivations to win I hope,” Vriska had left the kitchen and had claimed a spot on the floor. “Isn’t this game four player?”

“Yes,” Dave said, grabbing the final controller. “Give me three opponents. Complete my trifecta of destruction, it’ll be a blast.”

“Strider, you’ll be tasting defeat for sweeps after I’m done,” the troll girl smirked, making Jade grimace. “Come on Jade, let’s team up! Play girls versus boys!”

“I’ve never played this game before!”

“It’s easy!” Vriska turned on the controller Dave passed to her. “It’s just like driving a car!”

“I don’t know how to drive!”

“You’re in college, it’s important to be a quick study!”

Dave laughed. “Guess you’re getting those driving lessons sooner than you expected.”

“Jade’s gonna learn how to drive?” John called from the kitchen. Jade looked over and saw that he was covered in powdered sugar. “I wanna help!”

“I called dibs,” Dave said. “Plus I actually have a car.”

“Hey, I have a car too!” John replied, wounded.

“I can guarantee mine is better.”

“You car is a deathtrap,” Rose replied. “Terezi, stop chewing on my yarn.”

“It just smells SO GOOD,” Terezi groaned. She had grabbed the spot on the floor beside Vriska and had her feet propped up against the wall, her head buried in the knitting bag. “It’s like a rainbow rumpus party town in my scentsponge.”

“I take it back,” Karkat said, shaking his head. “Inviting these girls over was a colossal fuck up.”

“Be cool, Karbro,” Gamzee said, pans and utensils clanking around him. “At least there’s gonna be pie.”

“Pie and gratuitous asskicking,” Dave said, smirking. “Now, get ready to be served like you’re a dude on butler island. Booyeah.”

“This is NOT BUTLER ISLAND, and NOBODY will be SERVING ME JACK SHIT!”

“I’ll be serving you your bulge on a platter, Karkalicious,” Vriska shot back. “Okay, let’s team up.”

“This game doesn’t have teams,” Karkat muttered.

“Unofficial teams,” Vriska shot back. “Me and Jade, aka Team Awesome, versus you and Strider, aka Team Nerd. Racers who get the most points at the end win.”

“Works for me,” Dave said. “But that sure as hell isn’t our team name.”

“Whatever,” Vriska sniffed. “Here Jade, let me show you how the controls work.”

Fortunately Jade was a quick study and the controls were fairly self-explanatory. Despite her haughty demeanour, Vriska was a helpful coach, though Jade figured this was primarily due to the troll girl’s desire to defeat their opponents. They spent several hours locked in a dire Mario Kart battle for supremacy with Dave and Karkat, the suite full of the regular shouts of dismay and triumph traded between the groups. After the first hour, John had finally finished frosting the cake he’d spent all morning baking, and a brief intermission was called for as he insisted they all have a piece.

“Wow,” Rose said, leaving her knitting behind and crossing the room, staring down at the dessert John had placed on the kitchen island. “That’s incredibly intricate, John.”

“Thanks,” John said, cheeks colouring. “My dad’s been baking cakes for me since I was a kid, guess I picked up a few tricks.”

“It’s true,” Jade chimed in, still sitting on the couch. “When John came to visit me a few years ago he smuggled one of his dad’s cakes into his luggage. It was squished, but so delicious.”

“Everything smells like sugar and pure joy,” Terezi sighed, peering over Vriska’s shoulder at the cake. It was huge, a massive chocolate sheet cake decorated with blue icing. John had written the words ‘WELCOME FRESHMEN’ in frosted cursive. “Someone hold me back before I put my face in that cake.”

“Gross,” Vriska chided her. “Save some for the rest of us.”

The others had crowded around the cake, clamoring for plates and utensils. Jade helped John locate cutlery and the two of them worked at cutting the massive confection into manageable pieces, distributing them about the group.

“Dang,” Dave nodded, fork resting on his lips. “That’s a slammin’ confection.”

“I think this frosting is going to give me human diabetes,” Karkat mumbled, a wet ring of blue around his mouth.

“In a good way?” John asked.

“Shmumphhkphm,” Karkat had shoved another forkful of cake into his mouth, though Jade could tell he meant his unintelligible comment in a positive way. She couldn’t blame him. The cake was rich but also light, chocolate and buttercream pervading her senses. It brought her back to John’s visit to the island, the squashed piece of cake in a box that John had given her along with a belated birthday card.

Cake always made her think of family, and that was all she could think of now. She liked the feeling.

“I hope you don’t intend to make this a habit, John,” Rose said. She’d managed to finish her piece without getting any frosting on her oversized sweater. “I have heard many a tale of the fabled and fearsome ‘freshman fifteen’, and I feel frequent homemade desserts might contribute to that being made into a reality.”

Jade did vaguely wonder why Rose always seemed to be wearing baggy clothes, especially since August in Seattle wasn’t exactly cool. Not that Jade could say much about fashion. She was wearing her favourite t-shirt, which had a picture of an atom emblazoned across the front, and a skirt she’d owned since she was a pre-teen. For her, clothing had always been a matter of comfort and utility first. Living in a jungle led to those kind of decisions.

“No promises,” John said, passing Gamzee his oven mitts. “Especially not since my cheerful clown buddy here is as down with baking as I am.”

“Word,” Gamzee said, his chef’s hat touching the ceiling when he stood up. “Whatever I’m cookin’ up, it’s good to share it with a whole mess of motherfuckers who appreciate wicked delicious nutrition.”

“Having more people to eat your weird-ass pies will certainly help my waistline,” Karkat said, returning to his spot on the floor and his controller.

“You are literally made of sticks and rage,” Terezi said. She started collecting up empty plates, which seemed extremely altruistic until Jade caught her licking them clean of any remaining frosting. “The only one here skinnier than you is Dave, but he’s tall enough that it works.”

“Will a day ever pass that I won’t get a verbal deconstruction of my flaws from my ex?” Karkat rolled his eyes. “I wanted college to be a fresh start, not a rehashing of all my daily high school occurrences.”

“Should have gone to college on another planet, Karkles,” Vriska sneered. “Oh wait, we’re stuck on this one.”

“And I would give anything to jettison my hate-filled protein chute away from any planet I’m forced to share with you,” Karkat replied.

“Such flagrant flirtations again,” Terezi smirked, taking her place next to Rose’s bag of yarn yet again. “I thought you were looking to keep your romantic college interests purely pale, Vris?”

Vriska rolled her eyes. “My enmity for shouty mcnubs is completely platonic,” she replied.

“And that is a mutual enmity, spiderbreath,” Karkat replied. “We are the most platonic hatefriends that ever existed, and the day I have any flushed feelings for you is the day the hatefucking apocalypse rains down upon us.”

“I repeat my previous statement,” Jade shrugged, returning to her seat next to Dave. “Troll romance is confusing.”

“Only if you’re a culturally insensitive human,” Karkat made a face at her.

“I’m not culturally insensitive!” Jade protested. “Just pointing out that anything that requires quadrants for successful navigation is bound to be complex and difficult for the uninitiated to explore.”

“Well, lucky for you, I happen to be something of a romance expert,” Karkat replied, his tone almost as haughty as Vriska’s. “And can explain the inner workings of troll romance in such a way that even your human thinkpan can process it.”

“Ugh, NO,” Vriska said. “Do NOT get him started, the next thing you know he’ll have us watching romantic comedies and engaging in hideously trite analysis that nobody past their sixth sweep will actually give a shit about.”

“I do love movies,” John chimed in. He was doing dishes and keeping an eye on what Gamzee had placed in the oven. “Maybe we could make this a regular thing. You could all come over on Sunday nights, we can watch movies, order pizza, play videogames, play any other games.”

“Other games?” Jade perked up. “Not that Mario Kart isn’t fun, but I have more experience playing cards.”

“What about tabletop?” Vriska asked. “You ever tried a pen and paper RPG?”

“NO,” Terezi said from her spot by Rose’s chair, spitting out a mouthful of purple yarn. “No FLARP, Vris. No fucking way.”

“Come ON, Rez,” Vriska whined. “It’s FUN!”

“The fuck it is,” Karkat muttered. “Remember what happened the last time you idiots did that?”

“Vividly,” Terezi pointed at her eyes. “At least you made it out without a grievous injury.”

“That was an accident!” Vriska replied. “And I’ve already apologized. Also that was in middle school.”

“What happened?” Jade was beginning to regret her enthusiasm.

Terezi sighed. “It’s a long story. Short version is that one of Vriska’s crazy roleplaying games is the reason I lick things to see.”

“And the reason Tavros is wheelchair bound,” Karkat chimed in. “FLARP is nothing but trouble.”

“This does sound like it may be a bit extreme,” Rose commented. “If people are getting injured I mean.”

“Aren’t you meant to be turning over a new leaf in college?” Terezi asked Vriska. “Not doing shit that has the potential to give others permanent disabilities.”

“Accidental permanent disabilities,” Vriska corrected. “And I am. I have been the pinnacle of responsible and well-behaved in my time on this campus. You should be telling off Strider and Makara for that ridiculous spectacle at the welcome event last night, I’m still amazed nobody got in trouble for that.”

“I still wonder how you were not intercepted by campus security during that situation,” Rose pondered, folding up the now finished sweater and reaching down for a fresh ball of yarn. “Surely they were alerted to the incident.”

“I couldn’t smell them anywhere,” Terezi agreed, taking the purple yarn out of her mouth and handing it to Rose. Rose politely handed it back. “Their licorice black uniforms are usually easy to pick out in a crowd. Not often I notice the absence of a smell. Well,” she shrugged, passing Rose some blue yarn that she had not been chewing. “In the past. I seem to notice it a lot around here.”

“How so?” Rose asked, beginning to roll the blue yarn into a ball.

“Yeah, what do you mean?” Jade asked, abandoning her controller to join the two girls by the chair, picking up the pile of blue yarn and straightening it out so Rose could wind more easily. She had helped Rose do this last night before bed, and it was surprisingly soothing.

“I don’t know,” Terezi continued, shrugging. “Sometimes when I’m out in a crowd I get this weird feeling, and suddenly I can’t smell the licorice security guards. Usually they’re kinda there in the background but it’s just… gone.”

“This feeling,” Rose said, pausing in her winding motions. “Would you describe it as a feeling of… being watched?”

Terezi removed some purple yarn from her mouth, looking pensive for a moment. “Yeah,” she said, nodding. “Like the hair on the back of my neck’s standing up. Sometimes I also smell toast.”

“I hear that’s sign of a stroke,” Dave deadpanned, mashing buttons on his controller and causing Vriska to devolve into a multitude of curses. Karkat leaned over to give him a high five. “Can trolls have strokes?”

“Yes, we can, Dave,” Terezi scowled, sticking her long tongue out in his direction. “And that’s not what it was.” She leaned back to face Rose. “Why do you ask?”

Rose shrugged. “No real reason,” she said. “Human curiosity.”

Jade raised her eyebrows. Rose had already established herself as a person not inclined to share, but this seemed like more than a curious question. As before, she said nothing, but noticed Terezi turn to give her a significant look, or would have been a significant look if the troll girl had been capable of seeing. Jade shrugged as well, returning to her assigned task of untangling the yarn, and Terezi went back to messing with her phone.

“My human curiosity is full of how one man can be this awesome,” Dave interjected, putting his hands up in triumph. “Team Adorabloodthirsty is the champions!”

Vriska scowled. “Maybe this round, Strider,” she said. “But vengeance will be mine. I refuse to live in a world where I let nubbyhorns over here win against me.”

“Then you’d better double down, Serket,” Karkat jeered. “Because we can do this all night.”

“That’s what she said,” Dave said out of the corner of his mouth.

“Damnit Dave!” Karkat gave his teammate a shove. “Cheap wiggler innuendo is NOT what Team Adorabloodthirsty does!”

“It does if it wants me on the team,” Dave replied. He held the remaining controller up in Jade’s direction. “You want back in, or are you retiring to the yarn party?”

“A girl can only handle having so much of her ass handed to her, Dave” Jade said, apologetic but smiling. “Maybe give someone else a try.”

“Rez?” Vriska asked, looking over at her moirail. “Scourge Sisters ride again?”

“Can’t,” Terezi mumbled through purple wool. “I’m too distracted by how delicious this yarn is.” Rose let out a sigh.

“I can play once my pies are out of the oven,” Gamzee said from the kitchen. His hat bumped against the light fixture and it fell off onto the counter, causing him to let out a surprised ‘honk’.

“No way,” Vriska shook her head. “I refuse to be on a team with a stoned clown. I won’t sink that low.”

“I can play,” John said, peeling off a pair of bright yellow gloves and tossing them into the sink. “I’m pretty good!”

Karkat and Dave both made noises of disbelief and scorn. “Put your money where your mouth is, Egbert,” Dave said, holding up the controller. “Let Team Adorabloodthirsty give you a thrashing so sound it reverberates across spacetime.”

“Bring it on!” Vriska challenge. “Come on John, let’s start a new team!”

“Sure!” John said, clambering over the couch and settling in next to Dave. “Let’s be team Cage.”

“Cage?” Vriska turned to stare up at John. “Like Nicholas Cage?”

“Oh no,” Jade muttered, facepalming. Her brother’s love for dreadful movies was about to be inflicted on their new friends and she was powerless to stop it.

“Obviously,” John replied, taking the controller from Dave. “Do you like Nic Cage?”

Vriska’s eyes sparkled. “I. LOVE. Nic Cage.”

Terezi sighed. “Great,” she said. “Now she has someone to encourage her obsession with that funny-faced human actor.”

“Is there anything we can do to put a stop to it?” Jade said, giving her brother a mock disapproving look. “He’s insufferable enough about it on his own, it’ll be even worse if he’s got someone else in the same boat.”

“Shut up, nerds,” Vriska said. “Nic Cage is a movie god, and Team Nic Cage is about to dominate.”

“It’ll be a cold day in hell when I let myself lose to a team named after that horse’s ass,” Dave said.

“Word,” Karkat agreed, and the two of them fist-bumped. “Bring it.”

The evening proceeded in this manner, with only a brief pause to order pizza. Rose had found a place near campus that made both human and troll friendly toppings, and they decimated three large pies between the eight of them. After more cake and a few slices of Gamzee’s pie (which was surprisingly delicious), Rose noted that they should all probably get an early night before classes began tomorrow.

“But our score is tied!” Vriska protested, gesturing to the TV.

“That seems like a safe place to leave the Adorabloodthirsty-Cage match for the night,” Rose replied. “Come on, my first class is at nine thirty and I want to get in some reading first.”

Vriska pouted, but she and Terezi gathered up their trash and made their way towards the door, waving goodbye to Karkat and Gamzee in the process.

John gave Jade a goodnight hug before returning to the kitchen, and Jade found herself faced with Dave Strider’s fist and lopsided grin. “Thanks for coming over,” he said. “This was a good time.”

“Definitely,” Jade said, giving his fist a bump.

Dave went into his pocket and pulled out his phone, a slightly battered iPhone with a scratched record sticker on it. “We should hang out tomorrow after class,” he said, handing her his phone. “Put your number in, I’ll text you.”

“Sure,” Jade said, trying to ignore the warmth she felt in her cheeks. “I only have class until noon tomorrow, so I’ll be around.”

“I’m getting my learnin’ on until at least 3:30,” Dave replied. “But from what I hear the first day’s always a breeze.” Jade handed him back his phone and he hit a few buttons. Jade felt her pocket vibrate and Dave nodded. “Now you’ve got my digits,” he said. “I’ll hit you up. You should also add me and Rose on Pesterchum, if you use it. I’m TurntechGodhead, she’s TentacleTherapist. I’m always on there.”

“Cool!” Jade said. “I am too, I’m GardenGnostic.”

“Nice,” Dave nodded. “Maybe we can start those driving lessons.”

“Sure!” Jade smiled. She pulled out her phone and examined the recent calls list on her screen. Sure enough, she’d just missed a call. “Thanks,” she said.

“See you in class tomorrow,” Rose said, giving Dave’s shoulder a sisterly pat. “Don’t sleep through it.”

“No promises,” Dave said, putting his phone back in his pocket. “Gotta get my beauty sleep.”

“If sleep is for beauty then no wonder I’m an insomniac,” Rose chuckled, heading for the door. “Thank you for your hospitality.”

Jade and Rose made their way towards the elevators, Terezi and Vriska a few paces ahead of them, and Jade took the time to add Dave as a contact both on her phone and pesterchum.

“I heard my brother sharing my Pesterchum details with you,” Rose commented, taking her purple yarn out of the bag and giving it a hesitant squeeze. Troll spit dripped off of one corner. “I will be sure to add you before I sleep tonight, I find it a far more reliable form of contact than any cellular service.”

“Cool,” Jade said, typing Rose’s username into the app. “It’ll make it easier for me to get ahold of you when I inevitably lock myself out of the suite.”

“You think that’s likely?” Rose asked. They had caught up with their suitemates at the elevator, and she handed the yarn back to Terezi, muttering “Keep it, it’s saturated.”

Jade held up her left hand to display the colored strings tied around her fingers. “I’m a little forgetful.”

“Is that why your hands always smell like fruit?” Terezi asked, putting the end of the yarn in her mouth.

“I guess?” Jade shrugged. “Having the strings helps me remember stuff. Always has. Keeps me grounded.”

“Well, if you do lock yourself out of the suite, you should message me if you can’t contact Lalonde,” Vriska replied. “You’re a good partner on the rainbow road, and once you get in some practice we’ll beat those nerd boys no problem.”

“Me too,” Terezi said. “I may not be able to see, but I never forget anything.”

The elevator pinged and the doors slid open. On the ride up to the fourteenth floor the humans exchanged chumhandles with the trolls. Vriska and Terezi used a program called Trollian, but it was compatible with Pesterchum, and before she knew it Jade’s contact list was filled with several new friends. “Who’s that?” she asked, pointing out one of the names that had sent her a request. “‘TerminallyCapricious?’”

“That’s Gamzee,” Terezi said. “I’d recognize mister grape soda’s text anywhere. The boring tasteless grey is Karkat. Guess he got your handle from Strider.”

“Look at that,” Vriska rolled her eyes. “We’re all best friends now, the rumpusblock is alive with the stink of loser.”

“It’s a delicious stink,” Terezi said, smirking. “Just like this cherry flavored text, who is that?”

“That would be Dave,” Rose replied. “Red is his favourite colour.”

“I approve,” Terezi grinned.

They reached the suite door and she unlocked it, the four of them disbanding after brief goodnights. Jade sat in her room and looked at the row of ceramic pots along her windowsill. The seeds Dave had helped her pick out were lined up on her desk, and she smiled.

She had expected being around so many people to be exhausting after years of living alone, but she felt invigorated and refreshed, like she had recharged energy instead of having it drained. Jade double checked her schedule and triple checked her alarm before she went to sleep, excited for what tomorrow would bring.

The first day of college.

After making all of these new friends, she knew she was ready for anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have a fluffy collegestuck bonding chapter. Baking and Mario Kart and the licking of yarn, plus Dave getting his flirt on with both Jade and Karkat, because I am an unapologetic polyshipper. 
> 
> If anyone's curious, Karkat's exclamation involving cheese is inspired by Michael 'rage quit' Jones of Achievement Hunter, exclamation during his playthough of [The Impossible Game 2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGlVtNXLMmA). Michael is one of my headcanon voices for Karkat that way. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone for reading! I'm gonna be on the road this week but I'll keep up with the updates, I promise!


	11. Chapter 9: A Regular Clusterfuck of Reunions

Dave awoke at exactly 9:13 am to the clamoring sound of his text alert going off repeatedly. He grabbed his phone off the desk, dropped it, and mumbled curse-words as he fumbled for it in the dark. The sheet he’d hung up over the blinds to block out the sun had apparently served its intended purpose, but mocked him for his hubris. Sure, the sun had been shut out, but at what cost?

Seventeen text messages from his sister, that was the cost. Dave held his phone up to his face, squinting at the screen through sleep-filled eyes. All of them were some iteration on ‘Dave you need to wake up’ and ‘Dave it is the first day of class’ and ‘You made me promise to do this when we first applied to this institution’. The final one was a video of Rose’s watch, the lavender hands ticking down to the beginning of class, in exactly seventeen minutes.

Dave groaned and rolled out of bed, grabbing his shades and his binder before hunting down jeans and a pair of shoes. His first class was on the south side of the Union, but if he skipped breakfast and didn’t take a shower, he’d manage.

This is what he got for staying up all night writing a rap about Mario Kart.

His hair was a spectacular sight, a pile of white-blonde fluff defying gravity. Dave took a quick snapchat, because a life that couldn’t be put on hold for a selfie was a life he refused to live damnit, and sent it to Dirk with the caption ‘am I teh animu bro?’

Ironic excellence accomplished and he’d only been awake two minutes. Today was off to a killer start.

Pulling on the nearest clean shirt and a red beanie hat, Dave grabbed his shoes and his laptop and stumbled out of his room, patting down the pockets of his jeans for the essentials. Wallet: check. Keys: check. Chapstick: check. Tunes: he pulled a tangled pair of earbuds out of his back pocket and plugged them into his phone. Check.

A box of poptarts sat out on the counter in the kitchen, open and inviting. Dave grabbed the foil package and tore it open as he checked the fridge for the other essential breakfast item he’d picked up at the store yesterday: small children’s boxes of apple juice.

“Breakfast of champs,” Dave muttered, hip-checking the fridge closed and slipping his earbuds on, soundtrack to his day already pumping. A slow start, sure, but nothing like a sweet remix to wake him up.

Dave turned and almost collided with Karkat, who was in a similar state of frantic dishevelment. The troll gave him a deer in the headlights look before stepping back, hands in the air, mouthing words that Dave figured were swears.

“What?” Dave took out his earbuds.

“I asked if you overslept too, dumbass,” Karkat growled. “First day of college and I’m gonna be late, fucking shit.”

“What class are you late for?” Dave had twelve minutes to get to the Alternian Studies building, which was five minutes from Unity Tower. He had time to talk.

“Intro to Troll Culture,” Karkat sighed, grabbing a protein bar off of the counter and shoving it in his pocket.

Dave’s eyebrows went up. “In Megido Hall?”

Karkat nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Alternian 105, section 2.”

“Another chuckleworthy coincidence,” Dave said, giving Karkat a pat on the shoulder with the hand that held his poptarts. “That’s where I’m headed.”

Karkat snorted. “Why are you taking a class on Troll Studies, Strider?”

“Because turns out they aren’t just for Trolls, Karkat,” Dave said. “Take a breath, it’s a five minute walk to Megido and we have twelve.”

“That time thing you do is seriously weird,” Karkat muttered, but he did slow down a bit, taking time to run his hands through his choppy black hair, which was almost as anime inspired as Dave’s own bedhead. “But kinda useful.”

“Greatness is greatness regardless of it being acknowledged,” Dave said, piercing the top of his juice box with the provided straw. “Shake a leg, Rose is already there and won’t stop texting me.”

“She’s in it too?” Karkat snorted. “Did everyone I know on this campus sign up for the same fucking classes?”

“Who else is in this section?” Dave sipped his juice, leaning against the counter as Karkat hastily drank a glass of something blue that looked a bit like milk.

“Who isn’t?” Karkat wiped his mouth off and darted around Dave to grab his backpack, which was acid green. “Us, Lalonde, Terezi and Vriska, a few of the others we went to high school with, including the girl descended from the lady the building’s named after. It’s a regular clusterfuck of reunions.”

“Huh,” Dave took a bite of his poptart. “Guess at least a few of us hate ourselves enough to wake up this early three times a week.” He stepped to one side and opened the door to the hallway. “Shall we?”

Karkat grunted, shouldering his backpack and nodding. “Let’s get this over with.”

“You don’t sound nearly as thrilled about the college lifestyle as our friends,” Dave commented as they detoured away from the elevators to opt for the stairs.

“I’m not thrilled about anything that takes place before noon,” Karkat grumbled, voice echoing in the stairwell. “My advisor apparently thought waking up at the ass crack of morning would build character though.”

“Rose insisted we take the class together,” Dave said. “Five years of separation leads to a lot of mandatory family fun time.”

Karkat snorted. “All the more reason I’m glad I don’t have any other family beyond my one ancestor,” he said. They exited the stairwell and crossed the lobby to leave the building, the sun harsh and unpleasant even through Dave’s shades. “And even he’s a pain in my nook.”

“Family usually is.”

Seven minutes before class started. Dave hoped Rose had saved them seats. He and Karkat crossed the quad at a rapid pace, both of them too sleepy and eating their respective breakfasts to continue the conversation. It wasn’t like they wouldn’t have time to chat later. As always, Dave had nothing but time.

Megido Hall was a small concrete rectangle south of the student union, and set up in a simple grid to make navigation easier. Dave and Karkat found their classroom at the end of the hall on the first floor, and burst through the door to find a gaggle of noisy students sitting in desks and setting up their notes. There was no obvious instructor in sight, but Dave spotted Rose sitting right in the front, between Terezi and another troll girl Dave didn’t recognize. Vriska sat in the back, talking to more strangers, and Dave turned to see Karkat grab two desks near the back and wave him over.

“Come on Strider,” Karkat snapped. “Don’t make me sit by myself.”

“Feeling lonesome?” Dave smirked, taking the vacant desk. “Or maybe you just can’t get enough of the Strider?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Karkat scowled, taking out his purple husktop and booting it up. Dave did the same, though his sleek macbook couldn’t have looked more different from the troll’s hardware.

Dave’s screen flicked on and he saw a Pesterchum notification flash along his sidebar. Clicking on it, he was unsurprised to see his sister’s lavender text appear on his screen.

\-- TentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering TurntechGodhead [TG] on 08.22.16 at 09:26 --

TT: I see you decided to grace us with your presence.  
TG: What’s this, Lalonde using a laptop to take notes? I expected you to be wicked old school about this college thing. Bring in a slide rule, maybe even an abacus  
TT: It’s the twenty first century, Dave. We are in a class about alien cultures. Not even I would make use of an abacus in these circumstances.  
TG: No flash cards? Color-coded notebooks? Highlighters?  
TT: No need for highlighters when I have a touch screen and the whole spectrum of colour at my fingertips.  
TT: Did my wake up calls help rouse you from your slumber?  
TG: You know, I was content to become a college drop-out, hit the Seattle DJ circuit, make a killing on my youtube channel, until you insisted on making me go to my morning class. You fiend  
TT: You will thank me later when you can integrate your so-called fly beats with the most esoteric and profound of Baroque melodies you gain knowledge of through your education in the art of music and slam poetry.  
TG: Well, now I have to do exactly that just to spite you

The room fell silent and Dave looked up to see a short troll woman enter the room. She surveyed the room briefly before crossing to the whiteboard, holding a notebook and a marker. Her horns curled down over her hair, which was held up in the back with a pair of chopsticks. An unlit cigarette was perched behind her ear, and she wore a short burgundy skirt that matched her eyes, which were narrowed as she surveyed her students.

She was unmistakably smoking hot, and her demeanor indicated she absolutely knew it.

“Welcome,” she said, her accent thick. “I am Damara. I instruct you this semester in Beginning Troll Culture.”

Dave heard Karkat sigh loudly, which earned him a glare from Terezi across the room. As Damara began explaining the course objectives in broken English, Dave returned to Pesterchum to find out what was up.

\-- TurntechGodhead [TG] began pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG] on 8.22.2016 at 09:32 --

TG: What’s got you sighing like a girl in a Dane Cook movie?  
CG: NOTHING, YOU HEINOUS TOOL.  
CG: ONLY THE FACT THAT THIS CLASS IS BEING TAUGHT BY DAMARA FUCKING MEGIDO.  
TG: Megido like the building?  
CG: YES, BULGEMUNCH, *THAT* MEGIDO.  
TG: She teaches Alternian 105?  
CG: I’M SORRY, DID WE JUST WARP TO ANOTHER FUCKING CLASSROOM? OF COURSE SHE FUCKING DOES.  
TG: Huh. How bout that. Still doesn’t explain your violent exhalations  
CG: I AM IN A CLASSROOM IN A BUILDING CALLED MEGIDO, WITH A CLASSMATE CALLED MEGIDO, BEING TAUGHT BY A MEGIDO. THIS IS A CRUEL JOKE THE UNIVERSE HAS DECIDED TO PLAY ON ME. I APPARENTLY DID SOMETHING TRULY UNFORGIVABLE IN A COSMIC TIMELINE FOR THIS PUNISHMENT TO BE RAINED DOWN ON MY MISERABLE SKULL.  
TG: There’s a Megido in the class too?  
CG: THE SPOOKY-LOOKING GIRL SITTING NEXT TO YOUR SISTER.  
TG: Yeah, I can see the resemblance. Sorta. Less Japanese school-girl though  
CG: DAMARA’S REGRETTABLE PENCHANT FOR FETISHISTIC ROLEPLAY ASIDE, THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.  
TG: I’m still waiting on the reasoning behind that assertion, dude  
CG: IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, DAMARA MEGIDO IS STONE COLD CRAZY.  
TG: So she’s got a creative sense of fashion. Who doesn’t? That’s not grounds for the cuckoo clocks  
CG: I HAVE KNOWN THE MEGIDOS SINCE I WAS A WIGGLER, SO FUCKING TRUST ME. SHE IS BEYOND BATSHIT.  
TG: More like crazy hot. I have the weirdest boner right now  
CG: STRIDER, PLEASE REST ASSURED THAT I *NEVER* WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR HUMAN BONER.  
TG: Dang. Dreams crushed  
CG: GO SUCK ON A BILE DUCT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. WE’RE MISSING VITAL INFORMATION.  
TG: Whatever dude, it’s all in the syllabus on the CMS  
CG: THE WHAT ON THE FUCKING SHIT NOW?  
TG: Digital age, my man. Read it and be educated: terraunicms.ALT10502.syllabus.doc  
CG: … GOG I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR SMUG AS FUCK COPYPASTED LINK.  
TG: You’re welcome

Dave spent the remaining twenty-six minutes of class maintaining his verbal skirmish with Karkat and skimming the document Professor Megido had uploaded to the Course Management System. Alternian 105 was a broad overview of Troll culture and custom before the Exiling, and it looked like the bulk of the work involved quizzes, reading assignments, a midterm exam, and a research paper. Dave made a note of the major homework assignments and turned his attention to more pressing matters, like the Entire Internet, until Damara let them go with a grumbled “Need smoke. Get out. See you Wednesday.”

“I had been hoping for a more discussion-based class,” Rose said as they all filtered out of the room. “Perhaps they encourage such things at a higher course level.”

“It’s just the first day,” Dave shrugged. “Could be after the first gauntlet is thrown shit gets a bit more lively.”

“Don’t count on it,” a low but friendly voice said behind them. Dave turned to see the other Megido girl standing with Terezi. “My ancestor is many things, but lively is not one of them.” She smiled at Dave. “I’m Aradia. The other Megido.”

“The better one,” Terezi muttered, giving Aradia an awkward one-armed hug. “You taste less like smoke.”

“We all have our vices,” Dave shrugged. “Dave Strider.” He pointed at Rose. “You met my sister.”

Aradia continued smiling. “That explains the uncanny resemblance,” she said. “Excellent.”

“Aradia is in my History class,” Rose added. “Along with a few other people she knows. We’re going to walk over to Ampora Hall if you’d care to join us.”

“I’ll pass,” Dave said, adjusting his backpack. “My next class isn’t for another two hours and forty-six minutes, so I have time to kill.”

“Funny,” Aradia said, giving him a shrewd look that Dave found profoundly unsettling. “Someone so attuned to time shouldn’t really be so ready to kill it.”

“I’ve always got something to do,” Dave said, shrugging off the feeling that Aradia Megido was dissecting him with every extended glance. “So the only time I’m killing time is when I go out of my way to slay it.”

Aradia laughed, an oddly hollow sound. “I understand the feeling,” she said. “See you around.”

Rose and Aradia made their way to a small group of trolls standing by the door and they left, heading across campus to the History building. Karkat and Vriska had also already vacated the building, no doubt heading for their own classes, and Dave found himself in the hallway with nothing but echoing footfalls for company.

Which was how he liked it.

Dave found a vacant spot on a bench next to the fountain on the quad and set up with his laptop, taking some time to transcribe his rainbow road rap and begin playing with beats. He could have gone back to his room to sleep, but he didn’t want to risk almost missing another class on the first day. Aspirations towards being a drop-dead dramatic drop-out were all well and good, but Rose had been right, esoteric Baroque tunes made a wicked fruitful marriage to sick beats.

A shadow fell across Dave’s face an hour and twenty two minutes into his careful rhythm construction, and he looked up to see two faces, one familiar and one unknown. The familiar one would have been recognizable anywhere. He saw a younger version of it every day in the mirror.

“Bro,” Dave said, holding out a fist to the taller man, whose blonde hair was obscured by an orange baseball cap and his eyes by a pair of pointed shades.

“Bro,” the man replied, tapping Dave’s fist with a righteous air of cool. “Was wondering when I was gonna run into you.”

“I have comp sci later,” Dave said, closing his laptop. “Was gonna drop by your office, say hi to you and Cal.”

“Oh heavens, don’t tell me you like that atrocious puppet Dirk keeps in his office,” the other man said. Dave did not recognize him outright, but could deduce his identity by the curve of his nose, the dark tone of his skin, and the green eyes sparkling behind his glasses. “Not that Dirk doesn’t have ripping good taste most of the time, but honestly that monster should have been burned years ago.”

“Only the sickest of fires can kill Lil Cal, Jake,” Dirk said, smirking. “Jake, this is my brother Dave. Dave, meet Jake English, the persistent thorn in my side.”

“A pleasure to meet you,” Jake said, holding out a hand. “Doctor Jake English at your service. I trust you are settling in well?”

“Gettin’ on,” Dave said, holding out a fist.

Jake chuckled, and bumped it. “Dirk has told me a great deal about you and your sister,” he said. “It’s so wonderful to have you both here at good old TU. I hear you have made the acquaintance of my own relations?”

“Sharing a suite with one of ‘em,” Dave said. “Decimating the other at Mario Kart.”

“I am pleased that John and Jade have fallen in with such good company,” Jake smiled, displaying the same slight overbite Dave had become accustomed to seeing on both the Egbert and Harley branches of that particular family tree.

“The company of Striders is the best company,” Dirk said, cracking his knuckles. “Jake and I are on our way to what is gonna be the most bored of board meetings. I’ll tell Roxy you say hi.”

“That’s good,” Dave said. “‘Cause I do.”

Jake laughed again. “Boy howdy, the two of you are an absolute ripsnorting delight to be around,” he rested a hand on Dirk’s shoulder. “A man can only benefit from more of Dirk’s relatives in his company.”

Dave and Dirk exchanged silent nods as the two older men took their leave, crossing the quad towards the student union, and Dave returned to his laptop.

He wondered vaguely if he should tell Rose that their brother was dating again. Now that they all lived in the same city, his romantic interactions might actually hold relevance. At least they would if Roxy had anything to say about it, considering her enthusiasm for family dinners. Maybe if Dirk brought a date she wouldn’t try to cook.

Thoughts of family meals combined with the growl of his own stomach reminded Dave that it was eleven forty two and he hadn’t had anything to eat since his poptart-AJ champion breakfast. He put his things away and headed across the quad towards the Union. If he remembered right, TU had a Burger King.

Twelve minutes and one double cheeseburger meal with curly fries and a coke later, Dave sat at a table in the Student Union, reconstituting his set-up so he could return to his music. As he ate he noticed a few passing students turning to stare at him and whisper. He ignored them, but allowed himself a smile. No doubt they’d heard about his glorious slam victory at the welcome barbecue. He vaguely wondered when the first meeting of the slam poetry club was. He’d definitely need to make an appearance if he wanted to cultivate a dedicated following, which he always did.

“Dave!” John’s voice cut through his reverie and Dave looked up to see his new friend accompanied by Karkat, the two of them crossing the food court towards him, John’s arm raised in a wave.

“Sup,” Dave said, moving his backpack off of one of the seats. “Join me for a fast food burger between educational infodumps?”

“The line’s out the fucking door,” Karkat grumbled, sitting down with a grunt and a sigh. “If my choices are wait in a line or wait sitting down, I know what I’m gonna do.”

“I’ll wait too,” John said. “I am starving though, class takes a lot out of you, doesn’t it?”

“You didn’t have class at the festering taint of dawn, Egbert,” Karkat spat, taking out his husktop. “Followed by the most inane horseshit class that exists on this planet.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” John replied. He held an inquiring hand over Dave’s unfinished portion of curly fries and Dave nodded, giving him nonverbal permission to finish them off. “Kinda dull, but it’s an English class.”

“Don’t hate on half of my double major,” Dave said, finishing off his drink. “You two have class together?”

“English 101,” Karkat complained, typing furiously at his husktop. “Writing for imbeciles and fuckups.”

“Composition 1,” John corrected. “It’s important, Karkat, writing is the foundation of all knowledge!”

“And you can shove it down your protein chute,” Karkat replied, but in a less hostile tone. Dave had begun to deduce subtle differences in Karkat’s levels of hostility, which seemed to exist as an intricate pattern of emotional nuance and variation with anger at the base instead of calm. “It’s a gen ed, I have to take it to graduate, might as well get it over with.”

“That’s the spirit,” Dave put his empty drink cup on the red fast food tray. “And the best way to get the most out of your education.”

“Fuck you,” Karkat said.

“Hey,” John gestured to their left. “I think those guys are staring at us.”

“Which guys?” Dave leaned over to see a half-dozen trolls, a handful of sea dwellers and others in similarly high positions on the hemocaste. “Oh. Those guys.”

“The fuck are they looking at?” Karkat snarled, his anger immediately rocketing from neutral to righteous as he leaned over to make an obscene gesture in their direction. “HEY, CHUMBULGES, TAKE A PICTURE, THEN GO FUCK YOURSELVES.”

“What are you doing?!” John hissed, taking a swipe at Karkat. “They look pissed!”

“They look like they’re putting their ganderbulbs in someone else’s fucking business,” Karkat spat. “And for that and many other reasons I think they should fuck the hell off.”

“Oh no,” John moaned.

“What?!” Karkat exploded.

Dave didn’t need to ask why John was freaking out. It was evident. The group of trolls had abandoned their distant glares in favour of coming to actually address the source of their interest.

Which, of course, was Dave. Lucky for him.

John and Karkat stood up and backed away from the table, giving the approaching seadwellers a wide berth. Dave remained seated, his fight-or-flight instincts attempting to set of every alarm bell in his brain. This wasn’t like the poetry showdown in front of the juggling club booth. These guys wanted to fight. He blocked out the wailing mental sirens and focused on collating facts. Five trolls of various high-blooded hues, the tallest one hitting six and a half feet. Angry, but unarmed at initial assessment, and probably looking more intimidating than they actually were. His unique upbringing had taught Dave many things, but the one that always came to mind immediately, whether he liked it or not, was that no matter what, a Strider remained calm.

_A Strider shows no fear._

The tallest of the trolls stopped opposite Dave at the table, the other four flanking him in an attempt to block John and Karkat completely. The two of them protested and shuffled around until they stood behind Dave, who remained seated and looked up at the interlopers through his shades. A brief silence hung tense between them until Dave broke it, his voice as calm as the rest of him.

“Let me guess,” he said. “You’re friends with Xiphus.”

“Silence, human,” the leader said, and Dave resisted the urge to openly scoff at him. The imperious alien schtick was beyond cliche. He really wished these guys would learn some new material. “We’re here with a message.”

“Well,” Dave said, still not moving. “Fuck me, wait a minute mister Postman, if that’s all you’re here for, I’d say you should get on with it.”

The sea dweller snarled. “Your insults mean nothing to me, Strider,” he said. “Just as they mean nothing to Xiphus Salera.”

“You sure about that?” Dave asked, quirking one eyebrow. “They seemed pretty fucking meaningful the other night when I delivered his ass express package to ownage island.”

The sea dweller lunged forward, causing John and Karkat to cry out. He stopped with his face inches from Dave’s shades, his teeth bared and cruelly sharp. “Xiphus Salera says this is your one and only warning, human. Stay out of Alternian business, or he’ll show you what we do to meddlesome aliens.”

Dave continued to breathe evenly, staring down the hostile troll in front of him. He could hear Karkat behind him breathing short gasps, the sound of unbridled fury. No doubt John was holding him back. He blinked once, deliberately, and calmly responded.

“If your methods for dealing with meddlesome aliens are as weak as your friend’s slam capabilities, I won’t hold my breath.”

The sea dweller snarled again, his breath hot on Dave’s face, and he wrenched himself backwards, his fists tight balls of knuckle and sinew. “Your only warning, Dave Strider,” he hissed through his teeth. “Next time, you’ll be talking to my fist.”

“Can’t wait,” Dave said. “I’ve been told my face is hella punchable.”

The seadweller let out a low growl, but he turned and stalked away, followed by his entourage. John and Karkat remained behind him until they were out sight, and then scrabbled around to sit across from him, both exploding words and confusion.

“Those fucking shitsponges! How the fuck do they think they can get away with making those kinds of threats on the middle of the fucking FOOD COURT!”

“Holy shit Dave, that guy was up in your face and you didn’t even flinch!”

“I swear to fuck if they even THINK about trying anything I will have campus legal so far up their briny nooks they’ll be breathing shit through their gills until they get culled!”

“Who does Xiphus even think he is? What a tool!”

“Guess I really struck a nerve,” Dave said, his tone still calm. He was glad his hands were under the table so his friends couldn’t see that he had the metal bars of his chair in a white-knuckled grip.

It took him thirteen minutes and forty-five seconds to finally let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look the kids in a college AU get to actually spend some time going to fucking college, what a novel concept! Also here have a bunch of new characters.
> 
> All the buildings are named after the founders of the institution because they are bad at names and it was easy. 
> 
> And to the surprise of literally nobody ever, Dave Strider has some Issues.
> 
> Thanks to everyone for reading! Now that we've gotten to the collegestuck bit, you know that means the superherostuck stuff has gotta be right around the corner ^_^


	12. Chapter 10: Cross Cultural Mockery

John and Karkat continued to hang out in the food court after Dave went to class, somewhat subdued after the incident with Xiphus’s cronies. After some awkward silence they agreed to get a head start on their first assignment from their mutual English class. They both tackled these differently, John remaining silent and calm and Karkat occasionally grumbling, but despite his demeanour he agreed when John suggested they read each other’s work.

“This is really good, Karkat,” John said. “Though I’m not sure the professor will be okay with this much profanity.”

“Then fuck him,” Karkat grumbled, taking a bite of the burger he had picked up once the lines at Burger King had died down. “Plus he’s not a professor, he’s a graduate student. Yours is fine,” he slid John’s laptop across the table. “Kinda boring.”

“It’s about literacy, it’s not exactly going to be an action thriller.”

“At least mine has character.”

“Swearing isn’t character.”

“Fuck you.”

“I’ll have something more interesting to say about a class that’s actually a part of my major,” John said, closing his laptop.

“What are you majoring in again?” Karkat took his own husktop back and began to type.

“Theatre.”

Karkat snorted. “You and Gamzee are a regular pair of human Best Bros,” he said. “Baking together, having the same major. If you were a troll I’d worry you were starting to feel pale for my ‘rail.”

“Hey, humans are perfectly capable of moirallegiance and other parts of the troll quadromantic spectrum,” John replied.

“So I should be worried?” Karkat said, continuing to type.

“What, no!” John protested. “For one thing, I’d never break up an established diamond relationship, for another, he’s like twice my height and constantly loopy. And also… he’s… you know…”

“A troll?”

“No!” John felt his face getting hot. “A dude.”

“Oh for the love of blistering fuck,” Karkat closed his laptop and rested his head on it for a moment before continuing. “Humans. Why do you have such clenched nooks about gender and sexuality? Not that your biology makes any goddamned sense but come the fuck on!”

“It’s just how I am!” John replied, really wishing he could stop blushing.

“Whatever,” Karkat shook his head. “At least the other humans in our weird group of misfit fuckups are a bit more open minded about this shit.”

“Huh?”

Karkat rolled his eyes. “Nevermind,” he said, putting away his husktop. “God you’re an idiot. Let’s just go to class.”

Computer Science 110 was held in one of the labs in Strider Hall, and the brother of the building’s namesake was already there when Karkat and John arrived, set up with his laptop beside the lab computer and listening to music on his earbuds.

“How the fuck did you beat us here?” Karkat snapped, taking the seat on Dave’s left. “Did you run from Hussie Hall or what?”

“Got outta class early,” Dave shrugged. “Dropped by my bro’s office.”

“He’s head of the IT department, right?” John asked, taking the seat to Dave’s right and tapping at the lab computer keyboard with an inquisitive finger.

“Yeah,” Dave said. “Works with the Board of Directors and shit, keeps track of the network, does research into AI and robotics. He’s pretty much the bomb.”

“As you insist all Striders are,” Karkat said, rolling his eyes again.

“Don’t deny the truth, Karkat,” Dave leaned back in his chair. “I don’t run the world, I just live in it.”

“Thank fuck,” Karkat pulled out his husktop. “Why are you liberal arts majors even taking this class? This isn’t fun and games with your human comedy and music, you have to do actual work here.”

“I come from a family of the leetest haxxors known to humanity,” Dave said, smirking. “Dirk Strider and Roxy Lalonde built this school’s network from the ground up, and thus I am obligated to follow in their most ballin’ footsteps.”

Karkat made a derisive noise. “Sure, okay.”

“I just needed another science credit,” John shrugged.

“Your thiblingth weren’t the only oneth who built the network,” a lisping voice said from the doorway. John turned and saw a skinny troll wearing glasses that looked like they had been stolen from an old school 3D movie theatre, one lens red and the other blue. His double horns were almost as small as Karkat’s, and his pointed fangs hung over his lower lip in a kind of overbite.

Karkat raised a hand in greeting, his harsh voice almost cheerful. “Sollux Captor,” he said. “Thank fucking god, I thought you’d fused to your computer and resigned yourself to a life in your ancestor’s basement.”

“Fuck you,” the newcomer said amicably, giving Karkat a high five and taking the free seat next to him. “I didn’t think you’d thurvive the thummer, KK, all that time trapped in your hive with The Red Thweater.”

Karkat shuddered. “Don’t remind me,” he said. “I think I’m gonna marry my tiny college respiteblock, everytime I’m in there I do a fucking spite jig while I flip off the universe in his general direction.”

“So that’s what that rhythmic thumping is at night,” Dave mused. “I just figured you did everything angrily, even that.”

“Thith mutht be the young Thtrider,” Sollux said, talking over Karkat’s indignant rage sounds. “No other family indulgeth in thuch ridiculouth eyewear.”

“Speak for yourself,” Dave said mildly. “You and Mituna sure do have some pretty flagrant shades.”

“We make them work,” Sollux said, taking out a sleek green husktop that looked like he’d made it himself. He leaned around Karkat and Dave to address John. “What about you, not-Thtrider?”

“John,” John said, leaning over and holding out his hand. “Egbert.”

“Sup,” Sollux took his hand and shook it once. “How do you know thethe nerdth?”

“We’re suitemates,” John supplied. “We’re also in a bunch of classes together.”

“My condolentheth,” Sollux said, voice full of sarcasm. “I’ve known KK thinthe we were both pupating and he’th quite the handful.”

“More like a handful of fucking awesome,” Karkat interjected. “So fuck you right in your stupid shitty dualistic eyewear.”

“Ah, KK,” he said, smiling. “Don’t ever change. My life wouldn’t be the thame without your thcornful exclamathions.”

“I feel that,” Dave said. “Three days of sharing a suite with him and I don’t know how I lived without the magnificent linguistic obscenity gymnastics performed daily by Karkat Vantas.”

“Great, you’re bonding,” Karkat groaned. “I’m glad I can provide you with opportunities for so much cross cultural mockery.”

“Nothing brings alien species together like a mutual target,” Dave responded, smirking.

More students had begun to file into the lab so the four boys fell silent, John focusing on booting up his laptop and preparing to take notes. He’d always been good at sciences, and had almost majored in biology, but he knew his success was only due to diligence on his part. This wasn’t high school though. It’d be more work for sure.

Their instructor, a laid back troll who introduced herself as Karyst, gave them access to the lab’s computers and led them in a half an hour long crash course of what John could only describe as coding for dummies. By the time she let them go for the day, he felt like his brain was going to drip out of his ears.

“That was intense,” he said as they began packing up their things.

“Karytht ith pretty hardcore,” Sollux agreed. “But thee knowth her thit. Almotht ath well ath I do.”

“So why don’t you teach the class?” Dave asked, putting away his earbuds.

“They inthitht you complete the degree program firtht,” Sollux said, giving a Dave a look that scathed even through his glasses. “If you gentlemen will excuthe me, I have to go to work.”

“So Mituna really is letting you work for him at the data center?” Karkat asked. 

“It’th a living,” Sollux shrugged, hanging back to answer Karkat’s question. “Pluth it getth me the experienth I need to teach clatheth like thith one. Watch your back, Thtrider, I’ll be grading your paperth before you know it.”

“Yeah, because my college plans are stacked to shit with comp sci,” Dave shouldered his backpack and headed for the door. “Egbert, Karkat, y’all done for the day?”

“At long fucking last,” Karkat groaned. “I’m gonna go back to the room and watch a movie or something, my thinkpan can’t take any more of this fucking education.”

“Good idea!” John replied. “We should compare movie collections, pick something out together!”

Karkat’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t know if I trust your taste, Egbert.”

“Long ath he doethn’t trutht yourth,” Sollux sneered. “Trutht me, EB, KK liketh the thittietht filmth.”

“Don’t you have a computer to be bulge-deep in?” Karkat snapped at his friend.

“I’m out, I’m out,” Sollux waved a hand. “Enjoy whatever thitty thinematic bowel movement thuitth your fanthy. Later.”

Sollux headed down the hallway while Karkat and Dave waited for John to finish packing up his things. “When Sollux says bad taste in movies, how bad are we talking?” Dave asked Karkat. “Like, I know you’re big on shitty romantic comedies, does your bad taste transcend genre?”

“Don’t knock the romantic comedy,” John said, finally wrestling his backpack into submission. He was going to need a bigger bag if he was going to carry all his books around all day, right now his computer science and English textbooks barely fit in there with his laptop. “It’s a timeless form.”

“Sure, in that I don’t have the fucking time to sit through them,” Dave replied. They exited the classroom and headed down the hall towards the main doors. “You knock yourselves out, I’ll be in my room writing another sweet rap.”

“What a surprise,” Karkat snorted. “Could you be more predictable, Strider?”

“Probably,” Dave shrugged. He paused. “Who’s phone is that?”

The three of them stopped just outside the main doors of Strider Hall, the breeze ruffling John’s hair so that it fell into his eyes. The ringtone was a tinny 8-bit arrangement of a movie theme John vaguely recognized but couldn’t place.

“Who the fuck is calling me?” Karkat growled, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

“Dude, is that the love theme from Titanic?” Dave let out a high-pitched guffaw before quickly falling silent, possibly out of embarrassment.

“Shut your protein chute,” Karkat hissed, directing his attention to the phone. “Yeah what?... oh, for the love of… Kankri, slow the fuck down, I can’t understand a word you’re blathering at me… okay, yeah, I was gonna tell you tonight, I swear I was gonna fucking call you… just… come on!” he hung back, sighing loudly into the receiver, and John and Dave walked a few paces ahead of him, giving him some privacy.

“Wonder who that is?” John said.

“Kankri apparently,” Dave shrugged. “And Karkat’s not a fan.”

“Guess not.”

“WILL YOU SHUT YOUR RAMBLING LIPS FOR TWO FUCKING SECONDS SO I CAN EXPLAIN SHIT TO YOU, YOU MUSCLEBEAST’S ASS?!”

John and Dave exchanged a glance, and John resisted the urge to laugh. They continued to walk back to Unity Tower, listening in to Karkat’s one-sided conversation whether they liked it or not. Karkat seemed to only have two volume settings: loud and louder, and today he seemed to be stuck firmly on the second.

“WHAT WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO, LET HIM KICK THE SHIT OUT OF GAMZEE? DAMNIT YOU DON’T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT ACTUAL FUCKING CONFLICT RESOLUTION, GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE WE’RE IN THE SAME GENETIC BALLPARK, JUST LISTENING TO YOU TALK MAKES ME WANT TO STAB MYSELF IN THE FACE UNTIL THE BULLSHIT STOPS.”

“Guess it’s Karkat’s ancestor,” John muttered as they pushed open the doors to the dorm lobby.

“They sure sound like a family with good communication skills,” Dave said, crossing to the elevator and hitting the button rapidly with his thumb. “I feel the love in this room.”

“THAT IS THE WORST FUCKING IDEA ANYONE HAS EVER HAD,” Karkat yelled into the phone. “IF I ASK THEM WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE? GOOD! HANG THE FUCK ON.” Karkat put the phone down for a moment and turned to face John and Dave, clearly still seething, since he needed to take a few deep breaths before he could speak at a reasonable volume. “My fuckwitted ancestor wants to know if you two would be interested in helping lead a hemospectrum conflict resolution workshop later in the semester.”

John and Dave looked at each other, bewildered. “What?” John said.

“Kankri works with the campus chapter of the Troll Civil Liberties Union,” Karkat explained, one of his eyelids twitching. “He heard about what happened with Gamzee and would like you two to join him during a workshop to talk about what it means to be a human ally in a world still divided by the imperial stain of the hemocaste.” He said the last words with sarcastic distaste, and John wondered if he was directly quoting them from his ancestor. “What do you say, boys?”

Dave and John exchanged another look, definitely still confused. “Uh…” Dave began. “I guess?”

“Good enough,” Karkat said, holding the phone up to his ear. “They’ll do it,” he said. “I guess. Now fuck off until your bullshit organization can think of something USEFUL TO DO FOR TROLL RIGHTS, YOU IGNORANT CHUTELICKING TOOL.”

The elevator dinged as Karkat hung up the phone and the three of them filed in, John pressing the button for the fourth floor. The three of them rode up the elevator in silence and said nothing until they reached the door to their suite, where Dave made a small coughing sound and said. “So, you and your ancestor don’t see eye to eye on campus policies?”

“Thank you, captain fucking obvious,” Karkat snarled, unlocking the door and immediately crossing the room to fall onto the couch. “GOD he chaps my bulge, with his bullshit about being politically correct about the situation, about how to handle it DELICATELY, because the hemocaste is SUCH a fucking delicate situation, UGH, FUCKING SHIT.”

“Heyyyyyy,” Gamzee emerged from his room, a few drops of green slime at the corner of his mouth. “What’s got your bulge in a bunch there, Karbro?”

“He just got off the phone with Kankri,” John said. “It was… loud.”

“It’s all good, bro,” Gamzee said, sitting down next to Karkat and putting a hand on his forehead, patting it gently a few times. Karkat seemed to calm down slightly, though he still growled indignantly. “It’s all good.”

“Sounds like he wants to do something about the thing with Xiphus and his friends,” John said. “Which is better than the response we got from campus security even if it’s just some dumb workshop.”

“A fucking workshop isn’t going to do shit,” Karkat said, crossing his arms. “The school needs a policy that stops these blood obsessed doucheholes from even being able to enroll at TU. So much for equality and fucking acceptance.”

“I honestly thought that most of the hemocaste stuff was erased from troll society on earth,” John sat down at the kitchen island while Dave crossed behind him to get into the fridge. “At least, that’s what they taught us in school.”

“Yeah,” Karkat laughed mirthlessly. “They teach us the same shit in the schoolfeed, but it’s bullshit. Trust me. It’s all still there, it’s just kept quiet so we don’t look fucked up in front of the humans.”

“Humans do that shit too,” Dave remarked as he closed the fridge, his mouth wrapped around the straw of a juice box. “Though it’s not blood colour they get their shit twisted about.”

“Yeah,” Gamzee made a face. “Both our species have some dark motherfuckin’ pasts. Wars, murder, ownin’ other sentient beings. It’s fucked up, my bros.”

“Whatever,” Karkat scowled. “I get that you humans have your own shit, but that was sweeps and sweeps ago for all of you, ancient history. Our shit’s still hanging out there in the open. The only way this hemospectrum shit’s gonna get resolved is if every troll gets fucking wiped out.”

“It’s still happening for humans,” Dave said, and his voice was quiet, lacking the sarcasm John was used to. “Race. Gender. Sexuality. Class. Anybody even a little different from the norm gets singled out and ends up dead or worse, we’re just really good at keeping that shit hidden.”

“Oh please, what the fuck do you know about being different from the norm, Strider?” Karkat snapped. “You’re a human male on a planet ruled by human males. You’re from the human equivalent of those shitty seadwellers, ruling the planet from your high hoofbeast, so don’t act like you know anything about being oppressed.”

Dave stood up abruptly, his empty juice box a crumpled cardboard square in his hand, and when he spoke his voice was eerie quiet and full of edges. “How about you stop talking to me like you know a goddamn thing about my life, Vantas.”

John stared at Dave, whose hands were balled into fists, and then at Karkat, who looked like he’d just been punched. Between them Gamzee looked stricken and confused, as unsure as John about how to resolve the situation. After a tense silence that felt like it lasted an eternity, Dave left the kitchen, going to his room and closing the door with a loud ‘thud’ behind him.

Karkat blinked a few times. “I…” he began, his voice cracking. “I don’t know what I did?”

Gamzee gave him another pat on the head. “I dunno, bro,” he said. “But something you said really yanked his motherfuckin’ chain. You know what it’s about, Egg man?”

John shook his head. He could hear the thumping bass coming through Dave’s door, and knew his roommate wouldn’t be coming out until he absolutely had to. “I don’t know,” he said. “Dave’s not exactly the sharing type.”

“Shit,” Karkat said. “I mean, he’s an asshole, but I wasn’t trying to actually get to him. What the fuck did I say?”

“Ask him, homie,” Gamzee urged. “You can’t know unless you ask the right questions.”

John’s eyebrows went up. “That was actually kinda profound, Gamzee.”

The tall troll smiled, his facepaint smeared. “Communication is a motherfuckin’ miracle, my friend,” he said. “And it is all around us.”

The bassline of an instrumental track filtered out from under Dave’s door. John suspected he wouldn’t be able to hear them even if they tried to knock.

“Maybe try talking to him tomorrow?” John suggested.

Karkat shrugged. “Yeah,” he said. “I guess.”

The three of them fell silent, helplessly exchanging glances until Gamzee finally leaned across the coffee table to turn on the TV. They stayed that way for a while, letting the sound of cartoons fill the void of questions between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this universe I am Karkat's grad student english teacher and I am eternally amused by his creative profanity. 
> 
> Also, I'm literally incapable of writing a fic without Davekat angst. You're all so welcome. 
> 
> Thanks again to everyone for reading and leaving kudos and comments! Y'all are great! I promise you'll have something resembling resolution to this angst next time.


	13. Chapter 11: A Veritable Buttock Buffet

\-- CarcinoGeneticist  [CG] began pestering TentacleTherapist  [TT] on 08.26.16 at 09:51 --

CG: LALONDE?  
TT: Vantas.  
TT: Is there a reason you are pestering me in the middle of class?  
CG: I FUCKED UP.  
TT: The notes will be uploaded by Ms. Megido by lunchtime, I’m sure whatever error you ascribed to your own records can be resolved by examining them.  
CG: NOT IN CLASS, FUCK, I MEAN WITH DAVE.  
TT: I see. What aggrievance have you dealt my brother?  
CG: THAT’S THE THING, I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW?  
CG: WE WERE TALKING AFTER CLASS ON MONDAY AND I SAID SOMETHING AND IT PISSED HIM OFF SO MUCH HE STORMED OUT OF THE ROOM AND LOCKED HIMSELF IN HIS RESPITEBLOCK AND WOULDN’T STOP BLASTING WEIRD REMIXES OF 8-BIT SONGS.  
TT: I see.  
TT: And the two of you have not spoken since?  
CG: NO!  
TT: And that was on Monday?  
CG: YEAH.  
TT: So the two of you have not spoken in three days?  
CG: THAT’S WHAT I FUCKING SAID.  
CG: SORRY, I JUST, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID TO PISS HIM OFF? I TRIED KNOCKING ON HIS DOOR BUT HE IGNORED ME.  
CG: HE’S SITTING NEXT TO ME IN BOTH THE CLASSES WE’RE IN TOGETHER BUT HE DOESN’T TALK, IT’S A FULL ON SILENT TREATMENT.  
CG: EGBERT EVEN TRIED TO COAX HIM OUT BY PLAYING A FUCKING HORRIFIC PRANK ON ME INVOLVING SEVERAL TONS OF SHAVING CREAM. NOTHING.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?  
TT: I think it would help if you shared with me exactly what it was the two of you were conversing about before this incident occurred.  
CG: SHIT, WHAT WAS IT  
CG: I’D JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH KANKRI, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HEMOSPECTRUM BULLSHIT, AND OPPRESSION, AND DAVE MADE SOME COMMENT ABOUT HOW HUMANS HAVE THEIR WEIRD RACE AND GENDER AND SEXUALITY HANGUPS STILL AND I SAID THAT SINCE HE’S FROM THE DOMINANT RULING CLASS OF HUMANS HE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT OPPRESSION AND HE GOT ALL QUIET AND SAID I DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM AT ALL, AND HE STORMED OUT.  
CG: I DON’T GET IT.  
TT: Hmm.  
CG: THAT’S IT?  
CG: FUCKING *HMM*?  
CG: COME ON ROSE, HE’S YOUR FUCKING GENETIC RELATIVE, WHAT IN ANY OF THAT SHIT I SAID COULD POSSIBLY HAVE OFFENDED HIM SO MUCH?  
CG: I JUST SAW HIM STAND UP TO TWO TERRIFYING SEA DWELLER SHITNOOKS ON TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEAT BUT SOME WORDS I RANDOMLY VOMIT OUT OF MY PROTEIN CHUTE HAVE HIM SILENT AND IGNORING EVERYONE FOR THREE STRAIGHT DAYS? WHAT THE FUCK?  
TT: Karkat.  
CG: WHAT.  
TT: I think perhaps you and Dave need to talk about this.  
CG: HOW THE FUCK DO I DO THAT WHEN HE REFUSES TO TALK TO ME? OR ANYONE ELSE?  
TT: What do you hope to accomplish by talking to him?  
CG: I JUST  
CG: I WANT TO KNOW WHAT I SAID THAT GOT HIM SO FUCKED OFF  
CG: AND, I GUESS, APOLOGIZE?  
CG: HE’S AN INSUFFERABLE PRICK BUT HE’S NOT BAD TO HANG AROUND WITH AND WE’RE GONNA BE LIVING TOGETHER FOR THE NEXT HALF-SWEEP, AND ALL HIS FRIENDS ARE BECOMING MY FRIENDS, AND NOT HAVING HIS STUPID FACE AROUND MAKING SNIDE COMMENTS IS FUCKING WEIRD.  
TT: I see.  
TT: I will reach out to him.  
TT: I have yet to encounter a situation where my twin brother will refuse to speak to me.  
CG: OK.  
CG: UH. THANKS.  
TT: No problem. You concern for his wellbeing is touching.  
CG: IT’S NOT CONCERN FOR HIS WELLBEING, IT’S CONCERN FOR THE COHESION OF THIS RANDOM GROUP OF FRIENDS WE SEEM TO HAVE UNINTENTIONALLY CULTIVATED OVER THE FIRST WEEK OF COLLEGE.  
CG: HAVING A SILENT STRIDER IS JUST GOING TO MAKE THINGS WEIRD, AND I CAN’T CONCENTRATE ON MY OWN SHIT WHEN EVERYTHING IS WEIRD.  
CG: I’M NOT GOING TO FAIL MY FIRST SEMESTER OF FUCKING COLLEGE BECAUSE DAVE STRIDER REFUSES TO OPEN HIS THOUGHT TRAP.  
TT: Indeed. My brother’s insistence on being mute will surely be the downfall of your academic achievements.  
CG: JUST FUCKING TELL HIM I WANT TO TALK TO HIM, JEGUS.  
TT: I live to serve.

\-- TentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering CarcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:04 --

\-- TentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering TurntechGodhead [TG] on 08.26.16 at 10:05 --

TT: Does your insistence on the silent treatment extend to Pesterchum?  
TG: only for people I don’t want to talk to  
TT: Then I will take your response as a positive sign.  
TG: what do you want, Rose? i’m extremely busy trying to keep myself awake with the noble task of tending to my adoring internet fanbase  
TT: While also taking meticulous notes, Dave, don’t pretend you aren’t paying attention.  
TT: I just had a conversation with Karkat.  
TG: oh good fucking grief  
TT: He shared the contents of your conversation with me. While I can understand why you’re upset, he sounds genuinely apologetic and wishes to make amends.  
TG: karkat vantas doesn’t know shit about goddamn and keeps shooting his mouth off like he thinks he’s the only one who’s been through fucked up bullcrap in his life  
TG: he doesn’t know me, he doesn’t know what growing up was like for me, why I had to stop going to school like a normal kid, what the fuck other kids do to people like me, people like you, like us  
TG: if he just pulled his dumb nubby head out of his ass and thought for one second that maybe being human isn’t all fun and fucking games and that he shouldn’t just make fucking assumptions, maybe I wouldn’t be so inclined to give him the ice out  
TT: Dave.  
TG: what  
TT: Regardless of whether or not Karkat understands, you know I do, right?  
TG:   
TG: yeah  
TG: shit, you’re pretty much the only person on this planet who understands  
TT: We have been through a great many trying ordeals in our lives just to have the opportunity to grow up and become the people we were meant to be. While we don’t necessarily broadcast those ordeals, we cannot expect everyone we meet to instantly be aware of them.  
TG: well yeah i fucking know, that’s why the shit he said pissed me off so fucking hard  
TT: I will also point out that you do not know what kind of ordeals Karkat has been through. We are all still relatively new to these college friendships, and have not necessarily had the opportunity to learn everything there is to know about each other.  
TT: He also seems to be genuinely penitent, though he is masking some of it with grandiose ideations regarding the cohesion of our group of friends. A fascinating characteristic.  
TG: don’t go all psychoanalytical on me, lalonde, i get it, i just  
TG: fuck  
TT: You don’t know if you’re ready to tell anyone about you? About us?  
TG: i mean  
TG: of all the people we’re friends with here i didn’t think the first person who’d find out would be my angry shouty troll roommate  
TG: i thought it would be john or jade maybe, or even terezi she seems cool  
TT: I suspect Jade already knows, at least about my portion of the secret.  
TT: It is difficult to conceal one’s complex identity situation when you are forced to share a bathroom.  
TG: she hasn’t said anything though  
TT: Despite her propensity for gregariousness and apparent naivete, she is not stupid. And I think she knows I will share with her when I am ready to do so.  
TT: Which, in light of this situation, might be soon.  
TG: yeah  
TG: i just  
TG: wish it didn’t have to be such a big deal you know  
TG: so i’m trans so you’re trans who the fuck cares  
TG: why can’t we just pretend we were actually born as dave strider and rose lalonde and don’t have to go through ridiculous fucking hormone treatments and surgeries and every kind of legal hoop that we gotta jump through  
TG: why can’t i just lie and be the cool dude who’s always been a dude  
TT: I mean, you have always been a boy. Just as I have always been a girl.  
TG: tell that to the state of fucking texas  
TT: I will do that thing I know you despise, which is turn your question back around to you so that you can answer it.  
TT: Why can’t you just lie?  
TG: damnit  
TG: you really need someone else to analyze after eighteen goddamned years of picking apart my every freudian fuck up doesn’t it ever get old for you  
TT: I often think of you as my first long-term observational case study.  
TG: whatever  
TG: i guess i don’t want to lie about it because it’s a big fucking part of my life  
TG: It’s the reason I spent so many years making music and writing raps, getting my creativity on, it’s why I had to live on the other side of the country from my own twin sister for most of my life  
TG: whether i like it or not it’s made me into the coolkid badass i’ve always tried to be and pretending like none of that shit ever happened, that I’m just another shitty cis white dude, it feels like too much of a lie for me to live without just fucking loathing myself more than i already do  
TT: And?  
TG: and nothing  
TG: that’s it  
TT: David.  
TG: and using my nonexistent full name isn’t going to make me any more willing to elaborate  
TT: …  
TG: what  
TT: … Whatever it is that you keep buried deep beneath your layers of ironic snark, the things you don’t want to tell me, that I know exist because you’re my twin brother and that means I have a knack for both knowing you and knowing you have a propensity for trying to protect me from the things that could hurt me  
TT: I hope that someday you’ll be able to tell me about them  
TG: ...  
TT: Until then, I’d say you have the solution for the current situation.  
TT: Talk to Karkat.  
TT: Let him apologize and make amends. If you feel ready, tell him. About me too.  
TG: are you sure  
TT: Of course. As always, we are in the shit together.  
TG: entrenched in this bitch?  
TT: Welcome to Nam.  
TG: ok fine i’ll talk to him after class  
TG: rose?  
TT: Yes?  
TG: thanks  
TT: You would do the same for me.

\-- TentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering TurntechGodhead [TG] at 10:18 --

Rose saw Dave and Karkat hang back when class ended. Hopefully they were actually going to have their conciliatory conversation with minimal strife as a result. She left them to their business, going to Ampora Hall for History along with her other classmates, who she had also begun to have lunch with when History got out. After fifty five minutes of intense notetaking on the foundations of the Alternian Empire, Rose was definitely ready for both lunch and the chance to hear back from Dave about how his conversation with Karkat went.

Central dining hall was north of Unity Tower, making it the perfect location for Rose and Terezi to get lunch before afternoon classes. Aradia was done for the day and said goodbye to them at Ampora hall, mentioning something about getting a head start on her homework, but the other troll girl from Troll Culture, Kanaya, joined them as usual. Rose had only spoken with her a handful of times in class to share writing utensils and trade pleasantries at lunch, but the statuesque troll girl brought an air of calm to their mealtime gatherings, a useful trait since Vriska had a tendency to join them.

“I see that team adorabloodthirsty has kissed and made up,” Vriska said as she sat down with Rose, Terezi, and Kanaya at a round cafeteria table near the coffee machine.

“What?” Terezi removed her tongue from the plate of grubloaf she had been licking clean, looking confused.

“Dave and Karkat have resolved the differences that have disrupted our lives over the last few days and our lives have thus returned to normal,” Rose said. She gestured across the cafeteria towards a table where Dave and Karkat sat with John and a pair of trolls she recognized but could not name, a blue-blooded guy with a broken horn and cracked glasses and a small olive-blooded girl wearing a hood with cat ears on it.

“I did not realize the two of them had fallen out,” Kanaya said as she delicately stabbed a tomato with her fork, her tone as smooth and calm as ever. Even in the few conversations they had partaken in, she had been a picture of grace and poise. Rose had not met another jade-blooded troll before, all of her history lessons having accurately indicated their rarity on the hemospectrum. They were not as rare as fuchsia bloods, but even then Rose knew at least one troll of that caste attended TU: she sat by Rose in psychology and loved making fish puns.

“John told me they got into some kind of fight about trolls and privilege or something,” Vriska said, rolling her eyes. “Which is hysterical, I’m sure Kankri is crying with pride.”

“Regardless,” Kanaya said, shrugging. “I am pleased to hear the situation has been resolved. Despite his usual volcanic demeanour, Karkat does not do terribly well with conflict.”

“Neither does Dave,” Rose said. “He has a tendency to let things ferment inside him instead of taking a direct approach. I admit, it is something of a family flaw.”

“Well, I would like to hope that if you ever had issue with any of us you would be able to address us about it directly,” Kanaya said, giving a pointy-fanged smile that made Rose’s brain attempt to initiate shutdown sequences.

“I will resist the urge to lock myself in my room and play obnoxious remixes of videogame soundtracks,” she replied, focusing on making sounds with her mouth and ignoring the intrusive whispers in the back of her mind. _Sweet merciful shit Kanaya Maryam is beyond gorgeous and I am a blathering idiot._

“Good,” Terezi replied, sipping a cup of coffee. “It’s bad enough having one lemonade-head blasting that bleeping bullshit non-stop. Gamzee’s started humming it at dinner, I almost had to mash his head into a piece of cake to get him to shut up.”

Rose saw Dave leaving the cafeteria with Karkat and John across the room. She raised a hand in a wave, making an inquiring face, and Dave responded with a thumbs up. She smiled and pulled out her phone, deciding that her curiosity could not wait until after lunch.

\-- TentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering TurntechGodhead [TG] at 12:05 --

TT: I see you are back to verbally conversing with people.  
TG: the silent treatment takes a lot of effort when everyone around you’s saying shit that needs to be contradicted  
TT: It went well then?  
TG: yeah it was fine  
TG: turns out the crabman and I have more in common than we thought  
TG: we’re cool now  
TT: I see.  
TT: What did you tell him?  
TG: enough. he knows about us now. didn’t really get what the big deal was until I told him about the shit that went down in middle school. trolls don’t have as much gender bullshit as us but damn do they understand violence  
TT: I see.  
TT: I am pleased you are back to normal. Silence doesn’t suit you.  
TG: i’m gonna remind you of that next time you tell me I’m talking too much  
TG: rose lalonde thinks dave and silence are a big nope i’ve got it in writing  
TT: That is the price I pay for friendship stability I suppose.

“Is that Pesterchum?” Rose almost dropped her phone as Kanaya leaned over to address her, interested. “Quite the convenient application, I’ve found. It’s more reliable than most of my phone’s messaging functions.”

“I agree,” Rose said, hoping her rapidly warming face was not overly visible. “My brother and I have been using it for many a year.”

“You should add Rose,” Terezi said, putting down her coffee cup. It had mostly been whipped cream, some of which was still around Terezi’s mouth. “She says the weirdest shit when you try to interrupt her in the middle of her intense note-taking.”

“I take my studies seriously,” Rose replied, mentally encouraging her blush to recede.

“Sure you do,” Vriska snorted. “When your notes aren’t just pages and pages of whatever wizard fanfic you’ve been writing.”

Rose sighed and resigned herself to her blush as Terezi burst into a fit of giggles. “The one thing I will regret most in all my life is letting my guard down and allowing you to catch a glimpse of that document after dinner the other night,” she said. “I really should have known you would have nothing better to do than torment me for my esoteric hobbies.”

“Well, regardless of your activity, I am always looking for new chums to pester,” Kanaya said. “I go by GrimAuxiliatrix.”

“TentacleTherapist.”

“Ah,” Kanaya let out a light laugh. “Like the earth creature on your History notebook, of course. How clever.” She took out her phone and typed for a moment, resulting in a ping on Rose’s phone seconds later. Rose added Kanaya on the application, hoping her blush would be attributed to the discovery of Rose’s writing proclivities and not the fact that she was now chums with Kanaya Maryam.

“I have a propensity for octopi,” Rose replied, standing up to put away her now empty tray. “If you all will excuse me, I need to go to Chemistry.”

“Have fun,” Vriska said, giving an overly cheerful wave. “Tell Egbert I said hi!”

Rose put her tray down on the cafeteria conveyer belt and briefly returned to her phone to message Dave.

TT: Do you recall the conversation we had not long after we both came out to each other as being dissatisfied with our assigned genders?  
TG: sure like it was yesterday which is some impressive memory gymnastics and shit since it was at least eight years ago  
TT: Then you recall the details of that conversation?  
TG: which part the bit where we agreed that iron man was surprisingly good for a movie about superheroes or the part where you referred to yourself as ‘unrepentantly gay’ for Pepper Potts?  
TT: The latter.  
TG: sure what about it  
TT: That unrepentant feeling has been most vociferously confirmed.  
TG: i hear you. i knew college was going to be a veritable buttock buffet of attractive people of all genders and species, but shit goddamn  
TG: i can’t hear you over the sound of these pre-packaged hormones that are making me practically vibrate with a burning desire for dick  
TT: I’m suddenly regretting this line of inquiry. Why did I bring this up with you again?  
TG: because nobody else knows how gay you are yet? you’d think they’d have guessed, you keep looking at the tall troll in the pretty dress and blushing like a girl on prom night  
TT: Yes, because your willingness to make up with Karkat and share your innermost secrets has nothing to do with your interest in attractive aliens whatsoever  
TG: this conversation is about your sexuality not mine  
TT: Dave, your sexuality is so buried under layers of ironic self-delusion and denial that it doesn’t merit conversation unless you finally admit that you are attracted to more than human girls  
TG: exactly so putting aside the fact that you are hell-bent on disproving that I’m 100 percent undisputedly heterosexual tell me more about your crush on the tall troll in the pretty dress  
TT: I’m going to class. Thank you for contributing to my all-encompassing humiliation.  
TG: i learned from the best, and dirk has always told me that’s what brothers are for  
TG: so you’re beyond welcome  
TG: i’m gonna go slam with tavros and help john pull a prank on karkat. later

\-- TurntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering TentacleTherapist [TT] at 12:17 --

“Lalonde, wait up!” Rose turned to see Terezi running toward her, waving. “You’re headed to Peixes Hall, right?”

“Yeah,” Rose said, pausing so the troll could catch up. “Do you have a class this afternoon?”

“Nah,” Terezi said, falling into step with Rose. “But I’m headed over to meet up with Latula and the buildings are right next to each other, figured I’d walk with you.”

“Sure,” Rose said. “It’ll make the walk a little less dull.”

“I don’t envy you having class after lunch on a Friday,” Terezi said. “My weekend’s already begun, and hot damn it feels amazing.”

“I appreciate that you choose to spend that weekend rubbing your freedom in my face,” Rose replied, though she smiled as she said it. “Though I will point out that regardless, we both still had to wake up in time for Troll Culture this morning, so it does seem to be a small victory.”

“At least Megido’s interesting,” Terezi shrugged. “Not always intelligible, but interesting. Don’t you have Doctor Sardas? I hear he’s a complete snoozefest.”

“He isn’t bad,” Rose said, shrugging in return. “I get the impression that he’d rather be teaching something more interesting than introduction to chemistry.”

“Maybe he’ll be more lively once you get to the interesting stuff,” Terezi said. “Blowing shit up and mixing chemicals.”

“Not in this class,” Rose shook her head. “This section doesn’t have a lab.”

“Oh,” Terezi said, frowning. “Too bad. Enjoy your in-class nap then. Or your wizard fic. Whatever you do in chem.”

“I take notes and I listen,” Rose said, almost believing herself. “As necessary.”

“Whatever,” Terezi leaned in to give her a friendly nudge. “I can smell your screen and your prose is so purple it might as well be written in Gamzee’s blood.”

Rose rolled her eyes and made as if to return the nudge, but Terezi had stopped talking, pausing in their walk to jerk her head upright and begin turning it against the wind, taking sharp bursts of breath in through her nose.

“Terezi?” Rose asked, but then she felt it again, that prickling sensation on the back of her neck, only harder, more intense, like an insistent buzzing of an insect in her ears.

“Do you feel that too?” Terezi asked, her voice very quiet. “That buzz?”

“What is that?” Rose said. She turned around but saw nothing behind her save for the usual collection of TU students on their way to and from their classes.

“I don’t know,” Terezi sniffed their air again. “Something smells wrong.”

Rose was about to reply when the buzzing suddenly ceased, followed by an overwhelming urge to drop to the ground. Rose had never felt so compelled to do something in her entire life. She grabbed Terezi by the arm.

“Hey!”

“Get down!” Rose hissed, dragging the blind girl down so the two of them were suddenly crouched behind a trash can.

“Why?”

“I don’t know why, I just know we need to!”

Terezi sniffed again, her glasses slightly askew. Rose could see her eyes behind them for the first time, and they were red and without pupils. “No,” she said, adjusting her glasses. “It’s all right. I think.” she sniffed again.

“How do _you_ know?”

“I don’t know how I know, I just do!” Terezi snapped Rose’s own words back at her. She pointed up towards the student union’s uppermost windows. “What’s happening up there?”

Rose looked in the direction of Terezi’s pointing finger and she frowned. A few of the windows were open, but one in particular caught her eye. Something metallic glinted on the windowsill, something mechanical, and for a moment she could see figures moving, some kind of commotion.

“I don’t know,” she said. “Somebody’s up there, doing something.”

“Thanks for the specifics,” Terezi said sarcastically, causing Rose to give her a shove.

“Hang on,” Rose squinted against the bright sky. She could make out more movement, the exchange of blows, and she felt a strange electric surge running through her, as if she could sense some kind of disturbance in the fabric of reality. She could tell Terezi felt it too, but the troll girl was sniffing the air again, looking both concerned and surprised.

“That… doesn’t make any sense…” Terezi murmured.

“What doesn’t?” Rose asked. The buzzing at her neck was fading, so she stood up, dusting off her jeans. Terezi did the same.

“Up through the window, Terezi asked. “Who do you see?”

Rose squinted again. The union was far away but her vision seemed to be amplified, hypercapable, and as she peered up at the window she caught the flash of two familiar faces, a set of curled horns framed by flowing black hair, a pair of dark shades crowned with white-blonde.

“Is that…” she trailed off, her confusion reflected in her voice. “Dave? And Aradia?”

“That’s what I smell,” Terezi said. “Almost. It’s them but not them. I don’t know, I can’t explain it. What are they doing up there?”

“I thought Dave was going back to the dorms,” Rose murmured. The electric crackling played at the edges of her mind and she frowned, confused but seemingly absent the urgency she had felt before.

“Have he and Aradia ever hung out beyond interacting in class?” Terezi shook her head. “What the fuck?”

Rose shook her head too. “I don’t know,” she said. “Hang on.” She pulled out her phone and pulled up Pesterchum.

  
\-- TentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering TurntechGodhead [TG] at 12:22 --

TT: Dave, why did I just see you up in a fifth floor room of the student union with Aradia when you said you were going to hang out with Tavros?  
TT: Dave?  
TT: Hello?

\-- TurntechGodhead [TG] began pestering TentacleTherapist [TT] on ??.??.?? at ??:?? --  
TG: don’t worry about it  
TT: What?  
TG: it’s all under control  
TT: Dave Strider, what the fuck is going on?

\-- TurntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering TentacleTherapist [TT] at ??:?? --

TT: Dave?  
TT: Dave??  


\-- TurntechGodhead [TG] began pestering TentacleTherapist [TT] at 12:24 --  
TG: sup rose, don’t you have class?  
TT: Dave, what exactly is under control??  
TG: huh?  
TT: The last message you sent to me said that everything is under control. But that doesn’t answer my question, which is what you are doing in the Union with Aradia?  
TG: your guess is as good as mine there, because that’s definitely not where i am  
TT: I literally just saw you there, through the window.  
TG: well i don’t know what that’s about, because i’m hanging out in my dorm room with gamzee and tavros and i have been since i left the cafeteria  
TG: are you doing okay? did you accidentally eat some sopor? i did that the other day and i spent twenty minutes trying to make out with the bathroom rug  
TT: You know what, nevermind. My questions cannot be answered in the four minutes between now and the beginning of chemistry.  
TG: well let me know if you’re having a stroke or something otherwise watch your substance intake and try to relax  
TT: Damnit Dave I’m not on sopor.  
TG: remember rose addiction is a powerful thing. i gotta go school tav. later

\-- TurntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering TentacleTherapist [TT] at 12:26 --

Rose put her phone in her pocket and scowled. “Well that only created more questions.”

Terezi’s frown deepened, and Rose saw that she had her own phone out, no doubt messaging Aradia in the same fashion. “Yeah,” she said. “I’m used to Aradia being cryptic, but that was some kind of app glitch shit.”

Rose sighed, aggravated. “I have to go to class,” she said. “Maybe we can try and figure it out later?”

“Yeah,” Terezi nodded. “I’ll head back to Unity after I see Latula. Maybe then we can get to the bottom of this. Whatever it is.”

“Sure,” Rose said. “I’ll see you then.”

The two of them parted ways, Rose towards the Chemistry building and Terezi towards Political Science, and Rose spent the duration of chemistry class trying to figure out how she had received messages from Dave with an unmarked date and time stamp.

***

“Explain again exactly what happened, Jack.”

“I don’t know, boss,” Jack Noir had his hand pressed against his neck to stop the flow of blood. His hood was still up, but his scarf had fallen, exposing a smooth black exoskeletal chin and sharp white teeth. “One moment I was getting everything all set up to take pot shots at the albino human girl and the blind troll when these two fucking kids just… appeared!”

“Just appeared?” Scratch sounded uncharacteristically aggravated. “From where?”

“I don’t know!” he growled, wincing at the pain this caused him. “There was this weird electric snap, and they dropped on the ground, picked themselves up, and then before I knew it one of them had cut me in the fucking neck and the other stopped me from shooting, it was fast, impossibly fast, I don’t know how they did it!”

“I fear that I do,” Scratch intoned. “And it means that things have escalated at a dangerous rate.”

“How?” Noir scowled. “These kids are under constant observation, I have cameras everywhere and agents coming out of my ass. If they’d actually unlocked their powers, we would fucking know about it.”

“Unless the children in question are the ones that have some control over the flow of time, Jack,” Scratch said patiently. “Correct?”

Jack paused, then unleashed a torrent of loud swear words. Scratch was right. He hated it when Scratch was right.

“Indeed,” Scratch replied. “The presence of these children in this timeframe means that in the future they came from, their powers have been accessed, and they are making full use of them in the present. This, obviously, will not do.”

“Yeah no shit,” Jack snarled. “So what the fuck do I do? I can’t fucking time travel.”

“You can’t, no,” Scratch agreed, nodding sedately on the monitor. “But I can bring in some reinforcements who can.”

Jack’s scowl deepened. “Oh fuck no,” he said. “Fuck. No. You said we’d only call those assholes in as a last resort.”

“The descendents have accessed their destined powers, Jack,” Scratch said, his calm voice suddenly edged with anger. “The situation has become dire. Do you have some other solution? Can you use your powers of Blood to prevent them from unlocking their powers?”

“I can stab them a whole fucking bunch,” Jack muttered.

“Creating a doomed timeline and making everything all the messier for us,” Scratch said. “No. Call in the reinforcements.”

“But the Condesce made it clear-”

“The Condesce is millions of light years away and out of contact with us, Jack,” Scratch’s voice was all edges now, echoing sharp fury. “You report to me and to my master, and he has given explicit instructions about the use of his resources. If we begin experiencing, and I quote, ‘Time Shenanigans’, we call them in and use their abilities to resolve the situation before it escalates any further. Is that clear?”

Jack’s jaw clenched shut, his free fist clenched around his thermos, which he squeezed so hard he created small divots in the spots where it met his hard-shelled fingers. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll contact your reinforcements.”

“Do so immediately,” Scratch said, his tone back to pleasant and calm. “We must resolve the situation in order for the plan to be properly executed. Do your job, make contact, and keep me informed. I will see these children dead and out of the way while remaining in the alpha timeline, do you understand?”

“Yes sir,” Jack growled, his teeth still clenched. “I’ll get right on that.”

The screen went dead and Jack swore a few more times before turning and picking up his radio, which he spoke into with a snap.

“Droll,” he said into the crackling receiver. “The situation has escalated. Bring in The Felt.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweet jegus formatting all of those pesterlogs was a Thing. And hey, look at that plot, starting to thicken. How about that? Also FINALLY some hints of Rosemary make an appearance. Because a fic without Kanaya and Rose being amazing together is a fic I just can't write. 
> 
> For those of you curious about Dave and Karkat's conversation, stay tuned. It might* show up in an intermission or a sidefic. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and leaving kudos! Y'all are awesome! 
> 
> [[*it totally will, don't know why I'm playin' with y'all]]


	14. Chapter 12: The Social Event Of The Season

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] on 08.27.16 at 14:26 --  

TG: sup harley  
GG: Sup! Lol.  
TG: you enjoying this well earned weekend after five days of nonstop academic shenanigans  
GG: Yeah, I have a lot of homework but it’s nothing I can’t handle  
TG: fuck yeah   
TG: my workload isnt too heavy this first week but what I have gots simple enough  
TG: turns out college is a fuckin breeze  
GG: Rose seems to agree. She’s been knitting all morning instead of doing homework  
TG: tell me its not another sweater  
TG: the last one she made is still unraveling somewhere in the trunk of my car  
GG: Your luck’s run out, Strider, it definitely looks sweater-like.  
TG: why that flighty broad insists on making items of clothing that are completely useless in the late summer is beyond me  
TG: anyway wanted to see if you were maybe up for some driving lessons this afternoon  
GG: Oh yeah! That sounds great! I gotta finish potting this basil plant but then I’m totally up for it!  
TG: word  
TG: meet me in the lobby at 3?  
GG: Sounds good! See you there!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:29 --  

\-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] on 08.27.16 at 20:45 --

GT: So how did driving lessons go?  
GG: You know exactly how they went, John, don’t pretend that you aren’t here to make fun of me!  
GT: I’m not gonna make fun of you! Dave said you did a great job for your first time behind the wheel  
GG: I hit the brakes so hard Dave smacked his head on the dashboard! He was bleeding!  
GT: He’s fine. Laughing about it.  
GG: He could be concussed!  
GT: He could have been wearing his seatbelt. Plus I’ve been in Dave’s car before. It’s a piece of shit deathtrap. He’s lucky all he got was concussed.    
GG: John! It’s not funny! I almost killed him!  
GT: A near death experience can do a person good!  
GG: :(   
GT: Honestly, Jade, Dave is totally fine, and he said he’d be down for doing it again next weekend. He had fun, even with the mild head trauma.  
GG: Well  
GG: Okay, I guess.    
GG: Long as he’s all right.  
GT: He is.  
GT: See you for games and food tomorrow? I’m making my dad’s fudge mint ripple cake  
GG: Sure, I should be finished with my biology homework by then.  
GT: Awesome. See you then.  
GG: Bye!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] at 20:52 --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] on 08.31.16 at 16:12 --

CG: HARLEY, ARE YOU THERE?  
GG: I’m here Karkat, what’s up?  
CG: FIRST LET THE RECORD STATE THAT I AM ONLY ASKING YOU THIS BECAUSE I LOST THE COIN TOSS.  
GG: Umm… okay?  
CG: THE QUESTION CONCERNS A MATH PROBLEM I HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED FOR HOMEWORK.  
CG: I AM CONVINCED IT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE AND AM THIS CLOSE TO FIRING MY INSTRUCTOR INTO THE SUN.  
GG: Isn’t John in your class? Can he help?  
CG: EGBERT HAS NO IDEA EITHER, AND IF I HAD WON THE FUCKING STUPID COIN FLIP HE WOULD BE THE ONE ASKING YOU ABOUT THIS. SINCE I GOT HANDED THE SHORT FUCKING STICK, I’M HERE TO BEG FOR HELP IN TRYING TO SOLVE THIS STUPID FUCKING PROBLEM THAT PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE ASSIGNED TO FRESHMEN ANYWAY.  
GG: Why are you asking me?  
CG: DON’T ACT ALL COY, HARLEY.  
CG: JOHN TOLD ME YOU GOT A PERFECT SCORE ON THE MATH PART OF THE SAT.  
GG: I mean, yeah.  
CG: SO FUCKING HELP ME, WE HAVE OUR FIRST QUIZ NEXT WEEK AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS.  
CG: HERE, THIS IS THE FILE  
CG: stupidbullshitmathhomework.txt  
GG: Hmm, this doesn’t look too bad.  
GG: It might be easier to explain in person. I can come down to casa del Karkat before dinner, see what I can do to help?     
CG: AS LONG AS YOU TELL STRIDER YOU’RE HELPING JOHN AND NOT ME. HE WILL NEVER LET ME LIVE IT DOWN IF I CAN’T DO MY HOMEWORK MY OWN FUCKING SELF.  
GG: Come on, Dave’s not THAT much of a…  
GG: …  
GG: Okay, that’s fair.  
GG: I’ll be down in like fifteen. See you then.  
CG: OK.  
CG: THANKS.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 16:20 --

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] on 09.07.16 at 13:41 --

GG: Hey Nepeta!  
AC: :33< *AC curls up in GG’s lap, purring and sl33py after stalking her prey.*  
GG: Hehe! *GG gives AC scratches under the chin, glad that Bec is elsewhere today*  
GG: I wanted to know if you had gotten started on that biology lab assignment yet.  
AC: :33< *wrinkles her whiskery nose* Noooo, not yet, I have a paper due in Troll Culture tomorrow.  
AC: :33< *pouts furriously* College is a lot of work!     
GG: It really is.  
GG: I was talking to Tavros earlier and he said maybe it would help if the three of us worked together on the lab.  
GG: Are you free this afternoon? We can reserve one of the study rooms in the Library, maybe order a pizza?    
AC: :33< *AC’s ears perk up at the purromise of pizza* That sounds great! Let me check and make sure Equius doesn’t need me for anything tonight.  
GG: Okay  
GG: But do remind him that it’s our first big lab assignment, it’s important for you to do well on it.  
AC: :33< Fur sure! :3 Equius knows that my studies always have to come first, but I always like to make sure, just in case he needs me. That’s how moirails work!  
GG: You two have such a dedicated relationship.  
AC: :33< *AC wiggles her tail and hops off of GG’s lap* All the best moirails are dedicated, I would know, I’m a bonafide matchmaker!  
GG: Lol, I know! You keep trying to convince me I need to start looking for a matesprit!  
AC: :33< *AC shrugs, her tail still twitching* I just know that you lived alone for so long. Dating someone could be really nice for you.  
AC: :33< Especially with so many eligible partners for a red romance!  
GG: Oh, I don’t know about that.  
AC: :33< My instincts are never wrong! I have excellent instincts! My ancestor says so.  
GG: Tell you what, we can talk about it after we finish this biology lab, yeah?  
AC: :33< Okay! Equius says it’s fine with him. I’ll meet you and Tav at the library in like an hour. *scampers off to find her biology textbook*  
GG: Great, see you then!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] at 13:50 --

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] on 09.09.16 at 11:35 --

TT: Good morning Jade  
GG: Hi Rose! How are you?  
TT: Quite tired, I admit, but I feel confident about the paper I turned in.  
GG: Oh good! I know you guys were up working on those last night!  
TT: Indeed. I am about to go to lunch with Kanaya and Terezi, I wanted to know if you would care to join us?    
GG: Oh, I would but my biology lab starts in like 20 minutes, I don’t think I’d have enough time.  
GG: And as soon as I’m done with class I’m meeting up with Jake so I can walk Bec. I haven’t seen him since last Sunday!  
TT: Well, I have heard some rumours of shenanigans occurring later this evening, so as I hear more I will be sure to keep you informed.  
GG: Thanks Rose! I’ll see you later!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 11:39 --  

Jade really enjoyed spending time with her uncle Jake, and not just because it gave her the chance to see Bec again. Jake met her outside Unity Tower shortly after her biology lab got out, and Jade piled into the backseat of his car to be met with a sloppy wet dog tongue. 

“He missed you,” Jake said from the front seat. “Suppose he can’t understand why on earth you would ever be apart from him. 

“Good dog,” Jade whispered into Bec’s fur. He gave her a sloppy lick on the face, his tail thumping against the seats. “Best friend.”

“Not that I mind having him around the old homestead of course,” Jake said, adjusting his glasses and merging into traffic. “It brightens up the old place, keeps things from getting dreary.”

“I’m just glad I get to see him sometimes,” Jade said, continuing to pet the dog. “And maybe after my first year I can find a place to live off campus so we can hang out every day.”

“That would of course require you to get that pesky driver’s licence,” Jake pointed out, giving her a smile in the rear-view mirror.

Jade flushed. “Yeah…” she trailed off. “Which will require me to actually learn how to drive.”

“How go your lessons with the young Strider?”

“Better,” Jade sighed, resting her head against Bec, who let out a happy ‘woof’. “At least the last time we had a lesson I didn’t give him a concussion.”

“I heard about that,” Jake said, clearly holding back laughter. “If I know anything about the Strider boys, it’s that they have hard skulls. I’m sure he is more than fine.”

“Yeah,” Jade sighed. “I still feel bad though.”

“Obviously it wasn’t too much for him to handle,” Jake said brightly as the car turned off the main road and crossed into the park. “Seeing as he agreed to lesson two.”

“That’s true,” Jade grinned. “And lesson three. I think we’re going again tomorrow.”

“Capital,” Jake said. He pulled into a parking spot and dug around in the glove compartment to find a tennis ball and a frisbee. “Come on, let’s give the old boy some exercise. Ready, Becquerel?”

“Woof!” Bec perked up at the sight of the ball, his tail thumping against the seats again.

Jade loved taking Bec to the park. A cool breeze blew in from the Puget Sound and scattered clouds occasionally cast the sunny day in shadow, and the three of them found a patch of grass near a cluster of trees for Bec to run about. Jade tossed him the frisbee, watching him bound across the grass and catch the plastic disc in midair before returning it, dropping it at her feet where she stood talking to Jake about the events of the last week.

“A prickling sensation?” Jake asked her as she picked up the frisbee.

“Yeah,” Jade replied, flinging the disc again. “Rose and Terezi have both been feeling it. Seeing some things too, like a hunch or kind of sixth sense but more intense.”

“Have you ever seen anything? Felt anything?”

Jade shook her head. “Never,” she said. “What do you think it is?”

Jake shrugged. “Couldn’t say, old bean,” he said. “Some people have a better instinct for things the standard senses cannot detect.”

“What, like being psychic or something?” Jade frowned. “I’m not sure how much of that I believe in.”

“That’s quite all right, Jade,” Jake said brightly, flinging a tennis ball for Bec to chase. “I will believe enough for the both of us.”

“In psychics?”

“In anything!” he smiled. “It is my nature.”

Jade giggled. “I know,” she said. “It’s my favourite thing about you.”

Jake threw the ball again, his expression shifting slightly. “That said, Jade, if your chums have any of those feelings again, please do not hesitate to give me a ring.”

“You think you can do something to help?”

Jake shrugged. “I do not know for certain. However, if there is ever a situation in which you need help, I hope you know you can call me.”

Jade nodded. “Of course,” she said. “Though if I’m in any serious danger I should probably call the cops.”

“No.” Jake’s reply was uncharacteristically brusque, and Jade looked at him, confused. “Some situations call for traditional law enforcement, but others do not. I do, however, trust your judgement. I just hope you know that I am here for you if you need me.”

“Sure,” Jade said, wondering what circumstances would ever merit her not calling the police. “I guess.”

Her phone vibrated gently and she checked the screen: a notification from Pesterchum. She tapped the icon and opened the message, which appeared to be informing her that she had been invited to a memo. She flung the frisbee towards Beck and turned her attention to her phone, which was suddenly vibrating constantly with notifications:

carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 15:52 opened public pesterchum bulletin board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 15:53 opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

CG: OKAY, SINCE NONE OF YOU CHUTELICKING DUMBASSES SEEM TO UNDERSTAND HOW TO MAKE PLANS FOR THE EVENING, I HAVE RESORTED TO CONTACTING YOU ALL THROUGH PESTERCHUM’S MEMO FUNCTION.  
CG: I HAVE INCLUDED EVERYONE WHO EXPRESSED AN INTEREST IN ‘HANGING OUT’ AT SOME POINT TO ME OR ANYONE ELSE I HAPPEN TO SHARE MY DORM WITH, RESULTING IN A TOTAL OF SIXTEEN PEOPLE WHO ARE NOW SUBSCRIBED TO THIS BOARD.  
CG: THIS IS A PLACE TO CIRCULATE INFORMATION THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN DECIDED UPON, SO LET’S KEEP THIS A ONE-WAY BULLETIN.  
CG: THIS IS NOT A FUCKING CHATROOM, SO DO NOT REPLY TO MY MEMOS!!!  
CG: IF YOU HAVE OPINIONS ABOUT OUR PLANS AS YOU READ THE MEMO, MESSAGE ME IN PRIVATE  
CG: AND I WILL UPDATE THE BOARD WITH THE PLANS SO EVERYONE CAN SEE THEM  
CG: GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!  
CG: LET ME EXPLAIN OUR PLANS FOR THIS EVENING  
gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 15:57 responded to memo.  
GC: OH MY GOD K4RK4T, TH1S M4Y B3 TH3 DUMB3ST TH1NG YOU H4V3 3V3R DON3.    
CG banned GC from responding to memo.  
CG: THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY.  
CG: ANYWAY, THE PLAN FOR THE EVENING AS IT STANDS IS THUS:  
CG: THERE IS A MOVIE BEING SHOWN ON THE QUAD TONIGHT, AT EIGHT PM.  
CG: APPARENTLY THE STUDENT ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE SHARE EGBERT’S TERRIBLE TASTE IN MOVIES, AS THE FILM IN QUESTION IS THE FESTERING BOWEL MOVEMENT OF A CINEMATIC WORK KNOWN AS ‘CON AIR’.  
ghostyTrickster [GT] at 15:59 responded to memo.  
GT: Hey! My taste in movies is fine! And Con Air is a great movie!  
CG banned GT from responding to memo.  
CG: I WILL BAN EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU FUCKING TOOLS FROM RESPONDING, SO HELP ME TROLL JEGUS.  
CG: ANYWAY  
CG: WHILE THE FILM IS INDISPUTABLY FUCKING AWFUL, I HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT THIS STUDENT GOVERNMENT SPONSORED EVENT WILL HAVE FREE FOOD AND BEVERAGES  
CG: AND I FOR ONE AM READY FOR A MEAL THAT ISN’T THE CAFETERIA GRUBLOAF.  
CG: THEREFORE WE WILL ALL GATHER OUTSIDE OF UNITY TOWER AT EXACTLY SEVEN THIRTY SO WE CAN WALK OVER TO THE GREEN AND GET SEATS NEAR THE FOOD.  
CG: BE AT THE RENDEZVOUS POINT AT PRECISELY SEVEN THIRTY OR WE WILL LEAVE WITHOUT YOU AND YOU WILL BE FORCED TO AIMLESSLY WANDER CAMPUS BY YOURSELF KNOWING YOU ARE MISSING THE SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON  
turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:03 responded to memo  
TG: hahaha this is the funniest thing I’ve read in my life  
TG: karkat i will literally pay you to write these memos so i can blog about them  
CG banned TG from responding to memo.  
CG: STRIDER I WILL BREAK YOUR DOOR DOWN AND SHIT ON EVERYTHING YOU LOVE  
CG: BE ON TIME OR YOU ARE DEAD TO ME  
caligulasAquarium [CA] at 16:05 responded to memo  
CA: wwhy do wwe havve to meet outside of YOUR dorm? More of us livve in the courtyard and the reef, isn’t there a better point of rendezvous?  
CG banned CA from responding to memo.  
CG: FUCK OFF ERIDAN, I’M THE ONE ORGANIZING THIS SHITSHOW, SO YOU MEET OUTSIDE MY DORM.  
arachnidsGrip [AG] at 16:06 responded to memo  
AG: Why would we wander campus because you wouldn’t w8 for us when the quad is literally right there? Take 8 steps from Unity and you hit grass  
CG banned AG from responding to memo.  
CG: THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR HOW MUCH I LOATHE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU RIGHT NOW.    
CG: MEET OUTSIDE UNITY TOWER AT SEVEN THIRTY, BEFORE I DECIDE TO SPEND MY EVENING BRUTALLY MURDERING ALL OF YOU INSTEAD  
CG: I’M OUT

Jade giggled as she read the memo again. She was glad she’d made friends like these.

Jake raised his eyebrows. “Making big plans for the evening?”

Jade nodded. “Karkat invited everyone out to see the movie playing on the quad tonight,” she said. “Con Air.”

Jake laughed. “Oh my,” he said. “That movie is positively dreadful. I’m sure John is thrilled.”

“Naturally,” Jade grinned. Bec trotted up to her and dropped the ball between her feet, panting amiably. “Plus there’s gonna be free food.”

“The best motivation to attend any collegiate social event,” Jake said, nodding again. “Well, that sounds like an excellent use of your night. Shall I drop you off back on campus?”

“Sure,” Jade said. “Not yet though. Bec’s still got a few more rounds in him I think.”

“Indeed!” Jake agreed, flinging the frisbee and watching the dog careen across the grass after it. “Can’t go anywhere until he’s well and truly done.”

The game of fetch and frisbee went on for another half an hour, Bec bounding after the flung objects with overjoyed abandon. By the time he had worn himself out, Jade could feel her own fatigue, her whole body feeling deprived of rest. Even just in the third week of the semester she’d been staying up late to finish up homework assignments, which she probably could have done during the day instead of hanging out with her roommates or learning how to drive. From what she’d heard, sleep deprivation was an essential part of the college experience, so at least she knew she was doing it right.

Jake took Jade back to campus later than he’d originally intended, neither of them having accounted for rush hour traffic, but Jade knew she still had time to go back up to her room and change. She gave Bec a hug goodbye in the backseat of the car, then reached across to do the same to her uncle, who smiled as she clambered out of the car. 

“Do remember what I said about those feelings your chums keep having, Jade,” Jake called through the open window as she closed the door to the back seat. “If anything comes up, never hesitate to call me.”

“Thanks Uncle Jake!” Jade said. “I will.” 

Jade watched as Jake pulled away, grinning at the sight of Bec sticking his head out the window to bark at her as they departed. Hopefully she could find a place to live off campus next year, a place with a yard so Bec had room to play and she could have a garden that consisted of more than a few potted plants on her windowsill. 

All three of her roommates were in the living room when she returned home, Vriska watching some kind of History Channel special about pirates while Terezi played with her Nintendo DS and Rose knitted. They were mid conversation, and did not stop talking upon Jade’s entrance. 

“Look, I’d stop antagonizing him if it weren’t so fucking hilarious,” Vriska was saying. “That guy has a bug up his nook about everything, he has since the day I first met him.” 

“I just feel like one day he’s gonna finally snap and you’re gonna lose an arm or something, Vris,” Terezi said mildly from where she sat, upside down on the couch with her legs in the air, DS almost glued to her face. “That’s all.” 

“I’d love to see him try,” Vriska scoffed. 

“Wouldn’t we all,” Rose mused. The sweater she’d been working on all week was almost complete, the bulk of it a muted green that Jade was rather fond of. “You could probably sell tickets.” 

“We’re talking about Karkat, I assume?” Jade asked, sitting down in her usual spot on the floor beside Rose’s knitting bag. 

“Who else would we be antagonizing?” Vriska grinned. 

“I mean, in your case?” Jade responded to Vriska’s grin in kind. 

Terezi snorted. “Harley’s got a point there,” she said. “It’s hardly unique to Karkles.” 

“Come on,” Vriska rolled her eyes. “Name one other person I antagonize on a regular basis.”

“John,” Rose said. 

“Eridan,” Terezi added. 

“The guy in your Engineering study group with the glasses, what’s his name, Equius?” Jade chimed in.

“Tavros,” Terezi said.

“Okay, okay, fuck,” Vriska put her hands up. “In my defense, Eridan and Tavros are my exes, and Equius is just awkward and sweaty around everyone. I don’t go out of my way to antagonize you guys!” 

“Usually,” Rose shrugged, a hint of a smile playing on her lips. 

“You’re the worst roommates ever,” Vriska said, crossing her arms and slumping on the couch. “I thought I could count on you for support, instead I get this bullshit.” 

“Sometimes support means mockery,” Rose said. “It’s merely an affectionate communication of our awareness of your glaring flaws, and how we accept you despite them.” 

“Or because of them,” Terezi added. “You make the rest of us look good.” 

“Oh fuck you,” Vriska threw a pillow at her as she cackled. 

“I should probably change before we go to the movie,” Jade said, standing up and dusting off her jeans. “I’ve been wearing this all day and it probably smells like agar after that bio lab.” 

“Is that your real reason?” Terezi smirked from behind her DS. “Or is it so you can look nice for a certain someone who’s gonna be at the movie?” 

Jade blushed. “What? No! I’m not trying to...” she trailed off, flustered.

“Haha, I knew it,” Vriska grinned, turning away from the TV to bother Jade more directly. “You so have a flushed crush. Who are you digging on, Harley? Who’s caught your eye?” 

“Nobody,” Jade protested. “And even if I were I wouldn’t tell you, you’d start gossiping and telling literally everyone.”

“We wouldn’t tell,” Terezi said, putting her DS away. “I promise.”

“Whatever,” Jade crossed her arms. “I’m going to change, and it has nothing to do with whoever may or may not be going to the movie with us tonight, it’s just so I can not smell like chemicals all night.” 

Jade left the living room, Vriska and Terezi giggling together over the sound of Rose letting out a patient sigh. She didn’t want to admit to anything, especially when she was barely ready to admit anything to herself. 

Crush or no crush, she really did need to change into something she hadn’t been wearing for almost ten hours and spilled lab samples on. 

By the time she’d settled on something - a long blue skirt and a green tank top with a picture of a dog on it - it was time to meet the others down in front of the dorm. Rose had a blanket tucked under her arm to serve as makeshift seating on the grass, and Vriska had grabbed the pillow she had thrown at Terezi earlier. 

The guys from 413 were already waiting outside the dorm along with some of the others who had been invited. Jade tried to ignore the little flop her stomach made when she saw Dave, focusing instead on saying hi to the trolls she didn’t see on as regular a basis. 

“Jade!” Nepeta flung her arms around Jade’s shoulders, making her cough slightly. “It’s so good to see you!” 

“We had class together like four hours ago,” Jade said. “I wasn’t gone that long.” 

“Don’t care,” Nepeta shrugged, beaming, her cat-ears hoodie slightly askew. “Still happy to see you.” 

“Nepeta is very excited to be out and doing something on a Friday evening,” said the tall troll behind her in a low voice. “It is good to see you again, Jade Harley.” 

“Good to see you too, Equius,” Jade smiled. Jade had met Equius once or twice over the last few weeks but she could never get over just how much space he seemed to occupy. He wasn’t the tallest (that honor went to Gamzee), nor was he the loudest (Karkat was uncontested in that field), but he tended to loom, making his presence known with sheer muscular bulk along with a kind of resting glare on his face. 

She recognized almost all of the other trolls who had gathered, many of them being her classmates or the classmates of her roommates. She saw Tavros make a beeline for Gamzee as soon as he and Sollux arrived, and she wondered vaguely to herself if the two of them had actually started dating yet. Behind him she saw Sollux and Aradia with their arms around each other’s waists, chatting with Kanaya and Rose. As she watched, Jade saw two more trolls approach, a violet-blooded seadweller with wavy horns and a tall fuchsia-blooded girl Jade had seen around campus a few times but had never actually met. She untangled herself from Nepeta and crossed over to the newcomers, both of whom had begun talking to Karkat. 

“I still don’t see why we had to meet here,” the wavy-horned troll said, his tone imperious. “We could have just met by the fountain.” 

“It’s fine Eridan!” the girl said, rolling her eyes. “Don’t be so difficult.” 

“I’m not being difficult!” he replied, pouting. “I just don’t think it’s fair!” 

“You wanna see unfair, look at my life,” Karkat snapped. “I have to play wiggler-sitter to you chumps. Suck it up and just enjoy the movie.” 

“I know I will!” the girl said, beaming. “I’ve never seen it before.” 

“Don’t get too excited,” Jade said. “It’s pretty terrible.” 

“Oh that’s okay,” the girl giggled, a sound that reminded Jade of bubbles in a fish tank. “I enjoy terrible movies as much as I do the good ones.” She held out a hand. “I’m Feferi Peixes, I don’t think we’ve met yet.” 

“Jade Harley,” Jade said, smiling wider and shaking her hand. “Nice to meet you.” 

“This is Eridan,” Feferi said, nodding to her companion. “He’s here in spite of his conviction that our meeting point was unfair.” 

“It is!” Eridan protested. 

“Shut up,” Karkat said. “All right!” he yelled to the small crowd of humans and trolls. “Let’s go over to the green and set up! Get a move on!” 

“You’re not the boss of me, Vantas!” Jade heard Vriska yell behind her. 

“EAT SHIT, SERKET,” Karkat yelled. “NOW FOLLOW ME TO THE MOVIE OR I WILL PERSONALLY FART ON ALL YOUR PUTRID CORPSES.” 

“How can we say no with motivation like that,” Jade heard Dave mutter across from her, and she giggled. 

“LET’S GO,” Karkat snapped, and he took off walking towards the quad. The others followed, continuing their conversations in small groups. 

“This is either going to be a disaster or the best group movie excursion in history,” Dave said, falling into step beside Jade. “And I’m down to watch either one.” 

Jade giggled again. “Me too.” 

Dave shoved his hands in his pockets, shades obscuring most of his face as usual. “Nice shirt,” he said finally, causing Jade’s face to flush. “Dogs are cool.” 

“The coolest,” Jade agreed.

“You ever seen this movie before?” 

“Yeah,” Jade nodded. “Once, with John. It was enough.” 

Dave laughed. “Yeah, that’s what I hear. Hopefully the company’ll make it worth sitting through.” 

He gave her one of his characteristic lopsided grins and Jade continued ignoring the butterflies in her stomach as they crossed the grass towards the outdoor movie screen and their friends.

She knew Dave was right. The company would make it more than worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Showing the passage of time through pesterlogs is my aesthetic. 
> 
> Also it's been 84 years since I started formatting all of those logs and that memo, it sucked one year of my life away. But I got to bring in more trolls, and that is what I am all about. 
> 
> College life seems to suit these nerds, going to the movies, having crushes, teasing each other. It's so fun and fluffy and perfect!
> 
> (ominous laughter in background) for now.
> 
> thanks again everyone for reading!


	15. Chapter 13: Call Of The Elusive Night Waffle

“That’s the last time I let you plan anything,” Dave said, leaning back on the blanket to address Karkat as the film’s credits began to roll. The little group had spread out considerably since the movie’s beginning, but still maintained some semblance of interaction, Dave flopped on the blanket Rose had provided with Jade next to him on the grass, barefoot and wearing an oversized sweater his sister had finished knitting only hours ago. “That movie was so bad.”

“I loved it,” Vriska sniffed from where she sat in front of him, her head in Terezi’s lap and one of her feet resting against John’s side. “Nic Cage being rugged and badass? The fuck does anyone else need from a movie?”

“A plot?” Terezi replied.

“There’s plenty of plot!” John said, frowning at her. “There’s emotional intrigue, dastardly plans, family, feelings.”

“All things I hate,” Dave said, cracking his neck to alleviate the stiffness.

“I try to avoid agreeing with Strider whenever possible, but he’s right,” Karkat said from his awkward position to the right of Gamzee and Tavros, who had started ignoring the movie less than ten minutes after it started, and were still ignoring the movie now that it was over. Loudly. There were occasionally wet smacking sounds coming from under the blanket they had annexed. “That movie is the worst thing I’ve ever put in my thinkpan.”

“Worse than those awful romantic comedies you keep trying to inflict on us?” Dave smirked.

“Fuck you Strider,” he snarled, giving the blanket huddle next to him a sharp elbow. “Those movies are timeless and romantic.”

“Only if you like shit,” Dave sat back up and stretched. “Which I know you do.”

“Will you two STOP MAKING OUT IN PUBLIC, JEGUS FUCKING SHIT,” Karkat elbowed Gamzee and Tavros again and the two trolls emerged, both dishevelled and blushing. “Go back to your respiteblock or something.”

“Uhh, sorry Karkat,” Tavros mumbled. His face had smears of white paint on it. “I guess we got a bit carried away.”

“It’s all good, bro,” Gamzee grinned, decidedly less ashamed than his companion. “We were under a blanket.”

“For the love of fuck,” Karkat groaned. “I don’t need the details, I never need the fucking details, keep your shit to yourself and find a more private place to suck face than UNDER KANAYA’S BLANKET!”

“I honestly do not mind,” Kanaya said mildly as she stood up, dusting blades of grass off of her skirt. “I was not using it.”

“Oooh!” Nepeta popped up beside Karkat, her hat flopping against her horns. “Tav and Gam are making out! I gotta update my shipping wall!”

“Now Nepeta,” Equius loomed behind her, causing Dave to involuntarily make a face. That guy seemed to have an aura of awkwardness around him constantly. “Perhaps the highblood and his friend have not yet decided to make their little trysts official.”

“It’s pretty fuckin’ official, my blue-blooded brother,” Gamzee said, picking Tavros up like he weighed nothing at all to help him back into his wheelchair. “Tav is all about us bein’ hella matesprits all up in here, it is the fuckin’ TITS my friends.” He kissed Tavros on the cheek. “All kinda motherfuckin’ miracles up in here, college is pure fizzy magic, y’all, tell you what.”

“UGH,” Karkat flopped backwards onto the grass. “I don’t know WHY I try to get you assholes to do ANYTHING, you just embarrass me.”

“And yet you still haven’t found better friends,” Dave commented, helping Rose fold up the blanket he’d been sitting on.

“I’ve been too busy dealing with all the drama and bullshit you shitheaded nookbiters keep slopping all over my taste palate,” he grumbled, sitting up again. “That and you all make me so shithive maggots that I’m terrifying to anyone who I could otherwise try to be friends with.”

“You sure are scary,” Dave agreed, handing Rose the blanket. “I’m shaking in my sneakers, look at my foot twitch. It’s not even ten yet, what are we doing now?”

“I could go for some ice cream,” Jade said. “The food was good but they didn’t have much in the way of dessert.”

“I could do some ice cream,” Dave nodded. “I think the place near the pharmacy is open until midnight.”

“I require something more substantial than frozen cream,” Kanaya mused, Rose nodding sagely beside her. Dave resisted the urge to give his sister shit about her obvious crush in public. That way only invited retribution, and while Dave didn’t care if his potential dating pool was aware of his intentions, he didn’t want any members of that dating pool to be embarrassed by a public verbal sparring session between Dave Strider and Rose Lalonde. He’d sharpen his rapier wit with her in private, and in writing, as was customary.

“There’s a diner north of campus I’ve been meaning to investigate,” Rose said. “We could seek late night breakfast food.”

“You guys have fun with that,” Tavros said now that he was situated in his chair. “I’m, uhh, hitting the convenience store for snacks and then I’m going back to my room, I’m really tired.”

“Can’t imagine why,” Dave smirked, causing Tavros to blush again.

“I’ll catch you later Tav, I’m gonna get ice cream with you cool as fuck motherfuckers,” Gamzee drawled, draping one arm over Karkat and another over Dave. “I’m all about kickin’ the wicked sweets, the frozen treats, that shit is beyond delicious.”

Karkat sighed loudly. “Guess we’re coming with you for ice cream,” he said to Dave. “This clown fuck will get a scoop of every goddamn flavor and then vomit for two hours if I don’t come and fucking supervise.”

“Whatever man,” Dave shrugged Gamzee’s arm off his shoulder. “You can just say you can’t get enough of my company.”

“EAT SHIT AND SIT ON A CACTUS, STRIDER.”

“Enjoy your ice cream,” Rose gave Dave a pleasant smile. “I will keep you abreast of the quality of the diner’s waffles.”

“It appears Sollux and Aradia are interested in joining us on this breakfast food excursion,” Kanaya said to Rose. “Feferi also.”

“How about you John?” Jade asked her brother as they began to make their way across the quad way from the green. “Wanna get ice cream?”

“Nah, not tonight,” John said. “Terezi and Vriska haven’t seen Raising Arizona so we’re going to the video store to see if they have it, I’m fixing this.”

“I’m only agreeing to this because we’re watching this movie in my room so I’m allowed to lick the screen of my own television,” Terezi explained. “Otherwise I wouldn’t fucking dream of it.”

“I’m in it for the promise of more Nic Cage, obviously,” Vriska smirked. “And getting more quality time with the only one here who appreciates his greatness.”

“Alright,” Dave nodded. “Big pimpin’ Egbert, got all the troll ladies to impress with more shitty Nic Cage films, sounds fuckin’ great.”

“Whatever Strider,” John shot back, the tips of his ears reddening. “At least I’m not flirting with your sister!”

Jade let out a sound that Dave could only describe as a squeak and Dave turned to see her resolutely looking everywhere but at him, her face bright red. Dave rolled his eyes. Clearly he and John did not have the civilized agreement about mockery that he had established with Rose. “You knock yourself out, Egg Man,” he said. “Pretty sure you aren’t my sister’s type.”

“Says who?!” John replied indignantly. “I am absolutely every girl’s type!”

“Not when that girl is exclusively into other girls,” Rose said dryly behind him. “Sorry John.”

John’s entire face scrunched up, the picture of excruciating embarrassment.

“Bro,” Dave leaned over to rest a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I believe you just got owned.”

Dave heard an unfamiliar sound and turned to see Karkat choking back genuine laughter. “My gog,” he wheezed between chuckles. “That. Was. Glorious. Lalonde wins the ownage olympics, uncon-fucking-tested.”

“Your awarding of my gold medal can wait,” Rose said. “For I hear the call of the elusive night waffle.”

“Enjoy,” Dave said, waving to her as their groups parted ways. “The call I hear is that of diabetes and a truly fucktacular sugar high.”

“What do you expect to get at the ice cream place that will result in a ‘fucktacular sugar-high’?” Jade asked. She had recovered from her brother’s embarrassing observations and walked beside him, hands curled up in the too-long sleeves of her sweater, as they headed for the crosswalk that would take them towards their destination.

“They have sixty five flavors of sugary cream and forty toppings that can elicit the most unholy of ice cream combinations,” Dave said, speaking as if he were discussing an important scientific find. “Which will allow me to construct a dessert that I refer to as the filling-fucker.”

“That just sounds uncomfortable,” Gamzee drawled, shuffling along the sidewalk beside Karkat. “Some shit just ain’t built to be fucked, my man.”

“True,” Dave shrugged. “But sometimes you just want a dessert that says ‘fuck you, fillings, I’m in charge’. And your teeth shriek in pain, beg you to stop, but you’re the boss, you’re in control, and you say ‘no, you will chew up this ice-cold sugary cream and candy slurry and you will fucking like it, you’re in MY MOUTH NOW, BITCH, so strap in and hold on to your buttcheeks because there’s no coming back from this diabetic slip ‘n slide’.”

“What the fuck does that even MEAN?” Karkat snapped. “Teeth don’t have butts!”

“It’s a metaphor,” Dave shrugged, to Jade’s explosive giggling.

“I don’t care what your major is, I know that not every literary device is a fucking metaphor!” Karkat yelled. “That shit is more personification than anything!”

“Nice to see you’re paying attention in class, Karkat,” Dave said, shoving his hands in his pockets. His phone vibrated against his fingers and he pulled it out to read the incoming text. It was Rose.

**_RL: Be careful. Regardless of your personal views of my hunches, I have one, and it indicates tonight holds danger for us all. Be cautious._ **

Dave responded the only way he could think of.

_**K** _

“Hey, we should stick to the main street,” he said to the others, looking up from his phone. They were taking their usual shortcut to the ice cream shop, which led them behind the Sassacre Performance Hall and past a few buildings that were still under construction. “It’s kinda late, you never know what’s down those shady-ass alleys.”

“But there are some righteous motherfuckin’ dumpsters back here, shadesbro!” Gamzee said, already heading down the narrow street between the buildings at his usual slightly wobbling gait. “I gotta see if my hobros are hangin’, you dig?”

“Gamzee, come back here!” Karkat charged after him, more exasperated than concerned. “For fuck’s sake, I’ve told you to stop talking to fucking hobos! Shit jegus, stop!”

“Come on Dave,” Jade followed Karkat, gesturing to him to join them. “We gotta catch up to Gamzee before he adopts another raccoon or something.”

Dave frowned. He wondered if he was just being paranoid because of Rose or if he really did sense something foreboding. Years of popular culture consumption told him that going down that alley was a surefire recipe for Bad Shenanigans to Take Place that would result in, at best, being accosted by cantankerous drunks.

And at worst?

Dave set his jaw. This is how horror movies start, with dumb white boys making dumber decisions. But he’d be fucking damned if he was gonna let his friends stumble blindly into this bad movie scenario alone.

He jogged a couple of steps to catch up and followed close behind Jade, both of them running to try and catch up with Gamzee as they entered the alley.

“Ew,” Jade wrinkled her nose. “I don’t know what that smell is, but I’m pretty sure it’s dead.” Dave knew what she meant. The alley wasn’t a complete picture of B-movie danger, but it was close, with puddles of suspicious substances pooling beside dumpsters and wind rattling against fire escapes. He found himself reflexively wishing for a weapon.

“Fuck,” Karkat was up ahead of them, next to the chain link fence that led to a zone that was heavily labeled with hazard signs, most of them relating some iteration of DO NOT ENTER and DANGER. He was next to a hole in the chain link fence and Dave felt his stomach drop to his shoes.

“Let me guess,” Dave said, unable to keep the exasperation from his voice. “Captain Clown decided to go looking for hobo friends in the construction site.”

“Maybe if we just wait here he’ll come back?” Jade asked, not sounding overly hopeful. She leaned against the fence and tentatively called out. “Gamzee? Where are you?”

“He doesn’t come when he’s called, he’s not a fucking barkbeast,” Karkat snarled. “Though obviously I should have opted for one of those instead of a sopor-addled moirail who thinks an idea of a good time is fucking around on construction equipment.”

“So we’ve gotta go in after him?” Dave asked, though he knew the answer. All of his instincts were telling him this was the worst possible idea, which was pretty impressive, since Rose was the one who always got the hunches, not him. “After the stoned clown, into a construction site, on a Friday night, with nothing to protect ourselves?”

“Do we have any other options?” Karkat groaned.

“Campus security?” Jade asked.

“Don’t be an idiot, Harley,” Karkat snapped. “If they catch him when he’s this stoned he’ll be suspended or worse.”

“I don’t know why you don’t just take the fucking sopor away from him, dude,” Dave said, examining the hole in the fence. They’d be able to fit through it, but only one at a time, which might be a problem if shit got too hot to handle in there. “You’re his diamond bro or whatever.”

“Believe it or not, Gamzee actually does better on the sopor than off,” Karkat sighed. “It’s complicated. Still dangerous as fuck, but complicated.”

“Whatever,” Dave shook his head. “Let’s get this over with. Round up clownface, go get ice cream, go the fuck home, and pretend we didn’t break all the rules for surviving a horror movie.”

“This isn’t a horror movie,” Karkat grumbled, slipping through the hole in the fence. “It’s just a deserted construction site that exists in reality, not the fucking cinema. Come on, it’ll be fine.”

“That’s what the character who dies first always says,” Dave countered, following Karkat through, the edges of chain link catching against his clothes. “If you die first don’t come crying to me.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Karkat growled. “Let’s go. I think he went this way.”

Dave helped Jade to her feet after she climbed through the gap in the fence and the three of them made their way across the construction site, both of them clearly trying not to be alarmed by the eerie shadows cast by the dormant bulldozers and cement trucks. They followed Karkat across the loose gravel and makeshift dirt paths, occasionally having to dodge around larger chunks of concrete left over from demolition.

“I wonder what this place used to be,” Jade mused as they crossed into the incomplete structure. “It looks like they tore something down before they started building the parking garage.”

“It was an old movie theatre,” Karkat supplied, a few paces ahead of them. “Terezi and I went here on our one and only date. It was ratty, shitty, falling apart. I expected them to burn it to the fucking ground when it shut down, it was so fucking busted.”

“Cute,” Dave said, failing to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

“Fuck off,” Karkat replied. “I think he went down this way.”

“How can you tell?” Jade asked. “I can’t see a thing.”

“Trolls can see in the dark, genius,” Karkat muttered.

“Good for you,” Dave said, pulling out his phone and activating the flashlight. “Us humans need artificial assistance. Why couldn’t he have run off into a well-lit fully maintained parking lot or something?”

“I’m sorry my friend’s mediocre mental health is inconvenient for you,” Karkat grumbled. “Come on, this way, I can smell sopor.”

“He had some with him?” Jade sounded alarmed.

“He almost always does,” Karkat replied, stepping over some exposed rebar. “Addiction’s a powerful thing, or some shit.”

Dave tilted his head, motioning to the others to be quiet. “Hang on,” he said. “What’s that?”

“What?” Jade asked.

“Shh,” Dave strained to hear the sound again, trying to discern direction. “I heard something.”

“Heard what?” Karkat came over to stand beside, joining him in trying to detect the sound.

Dave waved his hand again to get Karkat to stop talking, and he listened, trying to locate the sound again over the hum of traffic nearby.

_Honk._

“There,” Dave said. “Did you hear that?”

Karkat nodded. “That’s Gamzee all right. Where is it coming from?”

“I can’t tell,” Dave scowled at himself. “This whole place is like a fucking echo chamber.”

_Honk._

“I heard it too,” Jade chimed in. “I think it’s coming from over there, on the other side of that elevator shaft!”

“Let’s go,” Dave said, heading towards the elevator shaft at a rapid pace.

“Wait up!” Karkat jogged to keep up with Dave’s strides. “Ugh, this is so fucking ridiculous. When I find him I’m gonna rip his gogdamn horns off.”

“Honk.” Dave heard the sound more clearly now, this time definitely a word spoken aloud in Gamzee’s deep yet drug laden voice. “Honk.”

“This way,” Dave motioned to them as they hurried around the elevator shaft to follow the sounds. It was brighter over here, so he turned off his flashlight app and pocketed his phone. “Can’t be far now.”

“Honk!” Gamzee called out, though it sounded mostly like he was just talking to himself. Dave and the others rounded the elevator shaft and saw him sitting on the ground next to a pile of unused support beams, looking up at the moon through a hole in the ceiling. He seemed to be saying ‘honk’ just so he could hear the echoes in the concrete parking structure.

It would have been heartwarming if it hadn’t been so fucking creepy.

“There you are, you stupid clown shitpan!” Karkat yelled, storming over to Gamzee and grabbing one of his arms. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Heyyyy, crabman,” Gamzee slurred, his eyes only half open. “Didja know how cool it is to really get to talk to your own fuckin’ self?”

“Ugh,” Karkat tugged at his arm, trying to drag him to his feet. “For fuck’s sake, this is what I get for agreeing to let you go fucking anywhere after dark, come on, we gotta get the fuck out of this creepy concrete maze.”

Dave was about to agree when he stopped, feeling almost as if all of the air had been knocked out of his lungs. When asked later, he’d have trouble describing the sensation in words. It was as if he could feel something winding up in his chest, almost a ticking sensation, and it reverberated in his brain in the same manner as the knowledge he always seemed to hold of exactly what time it was.

He turned, still unable to speak, to see Jade looking at a spot behind him, her face a picture of disbelief and fear. “What…?” she whispered.

Dave turned towards the spot she was looking at and felt the ticking sensation in his chest build. Two figures had suddenly appeared in the parking structure, looming and ominous in the half-light, which seemed to only accentuate their alien features.

They weren’t trolls, of that much Dave was certain. Their skin was green and it looked almost fuzzy, like it was covered in some kind of fabric. They each wore different coloured bowler hats and carried objects that Dave recognized but couldn’t understand the purpose of. The smaller of the two held a blue egg timer that matched his hat, and his companion carried an oven, an actual fucking oven, in his arms.

“Okay,” Dave finally managed to get a word out, his voice hoarse. “What the actual fu-”

His words were cut off by another surge of the sensation in his chest and the feeling of hands grabbing him at the waist. He jerked and struggled and turned to see that he was being held in place by two copies of the green guy with the blue hat, both practically identical to the guy he could see across the garage. Beside him he saw another green guy, smaller than the first two and wearing a yellow hat, appear seemingly out of nowhere and grab Jade, who shrieked and struggled, swinging at the green guy with a fist. He dodged again and again, moving so fast Dave couldn’t follow him, and then pinned her hands behind her back in an uncomfortable grip. Jade struggled, swearing a few times as she tried to stomp on yellow hat’s foot, but he had her in a tight lock, rendering her trapped.

“Holy shit!” Karkat had managed to get Gamzee to his feet and the two trolls were backing away from the green guys, Gamzee confused and Karkat with fists raised. “Where the fuck did these guys come from?”

The guy with the oven grinned, his teeth square and as green as his head, and he struck a match on the side of his kitchen appliance and flung it in the trolls’ direction. It landed a few feet in front of them and as suddenly as it hit the ground another green alien appeared out of nowhere, Dave’s chest ticking once more. He was taller than his companions, a small red hat on his head, and he grabbed both Karkat and Gamzee by their arms, holding them in place. The trolls struggled, but the two original attackers flanked them, each taking a flailing arm so they were as trapped as their human companions.

Dave tried to speak but one of the blue hatted guys swung with a fist, hitting him in the stomach. Pain flared through his abdomen and Dave coughed, the wind actually knocked out of him, and as he wheezed in an attempt to catch his breath, he heard the sound of grating laughter from nearby. Squinting through the darkness, Dave could make out another figure, his skin apparently a hard black shell instead of a fuzzy green material. He was bald and carried a sharp-looking knife, the grin on his face almost perverse.

Dave coughed again and managed to wheeze out a few words. “Who… even is… this douchebag?”

“Shut him up,” the guy with the knife said, and Dave received a punch in the face from the blue-hatted guy on his right. “Well well,” the guy continued as Dave groaned in pain. “Two Knights, a Witch, and a Bard walk into a construction site. How very convenient for me.”

“Who…” Dave wheezed through a bloody nose. “The fuck… are you?”

The man sauntered over to the four of them, smirking at his captives. Jade looked defiant and furious, Gamzee confused but indignant, and Karkat had a meaty green hand over his mouth to muffle his yells. “The name ain’t important, kid,” he said. “What’s important is now, you and your friends are gonna get dead.”

Dave coughed again, then almost gagged as he felt the sensation in his chest again, a sense of minutes and seconds swirling through his veins. He felt a ‘pop’ and his vision blurred for a moment, and he heard a shout from nearby. Fighting his captors, he looked and saw something he could not believe.

He saw himself.

“Yo,” Dave heard his own voice coming out of his double’s mouth, convinced he was hallucinating. It was definitely him, identical down to the shades and the part of his hair. He didn’t recognize the outfit, a dark red ensemble with a giant orange cog on the front of it, and a cape - a fucking cape?! - and he was holding a massive sword. “Time shenanigans are my wheelhouse, fuckers.”

“Shit,” the man with the knife growled. “Just what I need, more timehopping douchebags. Eggs! Get him!”

One of the blue-hatted guys, Eggs, let go of Dave and made a run for the other Dave, who dropped into a fighting stance and swung at his aggressor. There was a scuffle and a splash of blood, and then the green alien vanished, appearing behind the other Dave moments later to swing his fist.

It was a surreal experience, watching yourself get punched. Dave was pretty sure he wasn’t hallucinating though, because he could hear Karkat yelling “WHAT THE FUCK STRIDER WHY ARE THERE TWO OF YOU” and Gamzee honking and swearing as he struggled to get away from his captors. He couldn’t see Jade but he could hear her, also yelling at her own green goon and attempting to break free. Dave watched himself twist and spin, fighting like he’d been doing it his entire life, popping in and out of the timeline alongside the guy named Eggs. At least Dave assumed that was what he was doing, how did he know that? Timelines? What the fuck? His entire head was buzzing, his veins vibrating, he could barely think straight, and all he could do was watch himself fight Eggs again and again, a whirl of blue hats and red capes.

“DAMNIT EGGS,” the guy with the knife yelled. “Somebody kill this kid in the present!”

Dave felt the grip on his arm tighten, and another hand twisted around his neck. He struggled, but felt the green guy start to squeeze, saw spots dance in his vision, and blind panic started to overtake him.

He was going to die.

Dave felt the wind get knocked out of him for the second time in as many minutes and suddenly he was prone on the concrete, coughing up blood and looking around frantically. He was alive, he was hurting, and his would-be killer was now a green smear on the elevator shaft. He groaned, getting shakily to his feet, and did his best to wrap his head around exactly what he was seeing.

His caped double still fought various iterations of the green guy called Eggs, but the other aggressors still stood gripping Karkat, Gamzee, and Jade as best they could. Around them four figures had appeared, apparently dropping in through the hole in the ceiling, and they stood in the rubble, weapons out and ready.

“What…” Dave coughed. “The fuck.”

He recognized the individual standing closest to him. The anime shades and spiked blonde hair were a dead giveaway. Dave couldn’t understand for the life of him what his brother was wearing. Were those renaissance faire breeches? Did he have a pink heart on his chest? Was he holding a katana? And the guy next to him, was that Jake English? Jade’s uncle the archaeologist Jake English? Wearing yellow short shorts and dual-wielding pistols? And what about the troll guys? He didn’t know them but he could easily assume from their looks that they were Gamzee and Karkat’s ancestors. Shit, the guy he assumed was Kankri was floating, _floating_ with a sickle in his hand and his eyes were glowing blood red, and the other dude was holding a pair of juggling clubs and had a passive smile on his face that was somehow the most unsettling aspect of the whole picture.

This had to be a dream. Dave shook his head a couple of times, trying to wake up. He didn’t. Whatever this was, it was as real as the blood in his mouth.

“Hey lil bro!” he heard Dirk yell. “We’ll take it from here!”

Dave watched his other self give his brother a thumbs up and do what he could only describe as an acrobatic fucking pirouette before vanishing, making the weird swirling in his veins kick into overdrive again. He felt the ‘pop’ in the air again and his other self was completely gone, nothing of him left behind but a faint ticking noise.

“All right chaps,” Dave heard Jake say, pointing his pistols at their green aggressors. “Let’s give them what for! Tally ho!”

Dave suddenly felt an entirely different sensation rush through him, a warm feeling of confidence that overshadowed that of his own daily self esteem. He didn’t know what it was but it was really fucking motivational, it was like he could go run a marathon, leap tall buildings, and transcend dimensions to high-five God. Whoa.

He felt more stable on his feet, so he ran over to Jade, who had been released from the grip of the guy in the yellow hat, partially because said little guy was being thrown across the parking garage. Dave grabbed her shoulder and pulled her down behind a pile of broken concrete, the two of them watching as their somehow superpowered family member swung their weapons and intricately fought off the attackers, performing some kind of incredible violent ballet of blades and bullets, of juggling clubs and sickles.

“WHAT IS HAPPENING,” Dave could hear Karkat yelling and saw him hiding behind a concrete column with Gamzee. “KANKRI WHAT THE FUCK.”

Dave completely agreed. Not only was his older brother wearing pyjamas and wielding a katana, but he was fighting green alien dudes wearing bowler hats. And he was winning. Dave watched as he held up a hand and began to glow with a pink-tinged energy, and then suddenly Dirk was shooting some kind of beam at the guy holding the oven, causing him to scream and fall to the ground. Beside him Gamzee’s ancestor calmly brought his club down on the speedy yellow guy’s head, practically crushing him.

The guy holding the knife was yelling again, though it was difficult for Dave to make out his words through all of the chaos. His free hand was clamped over his eye, blood gushing between his black chitinous fingers. “RETREAT,” he made out over the violence. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.”

It took the green guys a few seconds to respond, partially because they were pretty busy getting the shit kicked out of them, but they stumbled out of the range of weapons as best they could, breaking into runs and dashing away from the group of heroes as fast as they could, trailing blood after them.

“This ain’t over, Exiles!” the man with the knife yelled, shaking his fist and displaying the deep bloody gash across his face, no doubt the handiwork of Dirk’s sword. “We’ll be back and we’re gonna kill every last one of you!”

“You’re gonna try,” Dirk yelled, flipping him off. “Now fuck off.”

“Indeed!” Jake yelled, waving both of his pistols. “Kindly fuck off, old boys, or we can resume your thrashing!”

The man with the knife sneered, but did not speak again, and Dave watched as the green guys in the hats each disappeared, one by one, making his veins pulsate with residual time energy again. At least that’s what his brain told him it was. He didn’t know how he knew that. What in the hell was happening to him? Knife guy was the last to leave, not vanishing but running into the shadows, disappearing from sight if not from the present.

“And good riddance!” Jake yelled, shaking a fist. “Bloody Felt. Rotten time-hopping bastards, the lot of them.”

“I feel that other heroes with Time powers might find that to be an offensive statement, Doctor English,” Kankri said. He had stopped floating and glowing and was now standing a few feet from Karkat, who was staring at him open-mouthed. Gamzee had a similar expression trained on his own ancestor, and Dave looked sideways to see Jade in an equal state of shock.

“They’re gone now, so we’re good,” Dirk said, his katana vanishing with a pop that made Jade wince. He turned to his brother. “You all right, Dave?”

Dave nodded, at a loss for what to say. Beside him he saw Jade take a few steps towards her uncle Jake, who gave her a hug and told her he was glad she was safe. Gamzee was likewise being comforted by his ancestor, who had still not spoken a word. Karkat, unsurprisingly, was seething.

“CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT IN THE TAINT-CHAFING FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!”

“Karkat, language,” Kankri scolded.

“FUCK YOU,” Karkat bellowed. “My ancestor appearing in front of me in fucking PYJAMAS and PRACTICALLY FUCKING LIQUEFYING A GREEN ALIEN IS ABSOLUTELY CAUSE FOR SAYING THE WORD FUCK!”

“He’s got a point,” Dave wheezed, still feeling out of breath and dizzy. “What the fuck exactly just happened?”

Dirk gave his younger brother a smile. “We just saved your asses, bro,” he said. “If you hadn’t warned us, you’d all be dead right now.”

Dave shook his head, even more confused. “Okay, what?”

“Come on,” Dirk put a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s get out of here before they come back with reinforcements. We’ll tell you everything.”

“I’ll be impressed if you can,” Dave muttered, wiping blood off of his face. Whatever the hell was going on, his brother had a lot of explaining to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit did things just escalate? I think they did! Guess we're finally getting into the superheroes part of this AU! 
> 
> Thanks for reading and leaving kudos and comments! I'm still having so much fun writing and posting this fic, and knowing people enjoy it really add to the experience!


	16. Chapter 14: Temporal-Spatial Shenanigans

Rose was still trying to wrap her head around what had just happened. The entire incident had been a blur, she and her friends going from walking to the Sleepless in Seattle Diner to flung across the street by a green man who crashed headlong through a brick wall, from attempting to run to getting cornered in a blind alley, and from watching her older sister appear out of nowhere in a dark blue pajama costume to observing her and a trio of companions send the green man back through the wall from whence he had appeared.

It was overwhelming, to say the least, and she had scarcely had the time to process the situation before Roxy and the other pajama-suited individuals, one of whom was her Troll Culture teacher of all people, hurriedly piled them into the back seat of a minivan, where they sat, cramped and confused, until they were just as hurriedly rushed out of it and through what appeared to be the service entrance of the Student Union.

“Roxy, where are we going?” Rose called ahead to her sister, whose blonde head bobbed alongside the dark chopstick-secured bun worn by Damara Megido. Behind her, Kanaya and the others were asking similar questions of their rescuers, all of whom Rose had deduced were her companions’ ancestral guardians. “What just happened?”

“We’re almost there, Rosie,” Roxy called over her shoulder as she led them down flights of stairs, through deserted corridors, under rows of fluorescent lights and past whitewashed walls. “We’ll explain just as soon as we’re safe.”

“Safe from what?” Rose heard Feferi ask from the back of the group.

“Chill the glub out, Fef,” said the troll Rose had identified as Feferi’s ancestor, her tone utterly nonchalant. “We’ve got this all under control.”

Rose left the two trolls to bicker at the back of the group, focusing on following her older sister through the catacomb tunnels under the student union. She had no idea how far they were underground, or if they were even still underneath the student union, but Roxy seemed to know where they were going. Despite growing up apart, Rose did trust her sister, even if the situation they were in was more akin to something from a comic book.

Roxy finally stopped outside a door in the left wall of a seemingly endless corridor, identical to the others surrounding it in every way. She rapped at it with her knuckles in a specific pattern Rose did not follow, and they all fell silent as she appeared to wait for a response.

A portion of the wall slid aside, previously invisible, and a small screen appeared near the handle. Roxy placed her hand on it and a small robotic voice echoed from an unseen speaker. “ _Password_?”

Roxy cleared her throat and leaned in. “‘If I hate myself so much, why don’t I hatemarry myself?’”

Rose heard a beep and the door clicked, swinging inward, and Roxy began herding them all through it. The robotic voice spoke again, and this time Rose recognized the cadence and tone of it as incredibly similar to her brother Dirk’s. “ _Welcome back, Roxy. Headquarters are secure_.”

“Thanks Hal,” she said, giving Rose a sympathetic smile as she reached the door. “I’ll double-check the grid and do the voidey thing. Is everyone else here?”

“ _You are the final group to arrive_ ,” the voice, Hal, said. “ _I’ll start the lockdown protocols and tell Di-Stri the pimp is in the crib_.”

“I’ll drop it like it’s hot,” Roxy responded.

Rose left her sister at the door, seeing the trolls ahead of her giving each other confused looks. “My siblings are known for making use of creative code-phrase terminology in their electronic endeavors,” she explained.

They followed the older trolls along another corridor, one much narrower than the ones they had previously traversed, and after a few minutes it opened into a space that Rose could only compare to a warehouse. The underground complex was lined with floor-to-ceiling shelving, stacked high with computer parts and sealed boxes. Rose guessed it was maybe the length of a football field, though she admittedly did not have an overly accurate grasp of sports metaphors. Cables snaked across the gaps between the shelves, connecting active hard drives and servers, and Rose shivered, the overall temperature of the warehouse close to freezing.

“This way,” Rose saw the tall troll woman she had identified as Kanaya’s ancestor gesturing them towards another nearby door, giving her a gentle smile. “The others are in here.”

“Others?” Rose asked, but her question was drowned out by the sound of a blaring alarm, which was accompanied by flashing lights. Rose heard the same robot voice from the first door making an announcement:

“ _ENTERING THE VOID, HQ IS NOW ON LOCKDOWN, GET READY TO LOSE YOUR CELL PHONE SERVICE AND ALL CONCEPT OF TIME, FOLKS, WE’RE GONNA GET THIS PARTY STARTED_.”

The alarm ceased and Rose followed Sollux and Aradia through the second door, which Kanaya’s ancestor closed behind her, still smiling in a way that was probably meant to be reassuring but served more to remind Rose of exactly how surreal this moment was. They were in an underground warehouse, surrounded by advanced technology, and had just been rescued from some kind of dangerous fight by her pajama-clad older sister and her university co-founders.

What was strangest of all, Rose noted, was that she still felt incredibly calm about the entire situation. She had expected her internal alarms to be firing at their highest decibels, but all was still and quiet on the good ship Rose Lalonde, and that was perhaps the most unsettling part of the entire experience.

The room they entered was considerably smaller than the main section of the warehouse, though it had the same slate grey and whitewashed colour scheme. More fluorescent lights hummed overhead and Rose saw a collection of familiar frightened faces sitting on an assortment of ramshackle folding chairs.

“They tried to get you too, huh?” Dave said from his chair. He had a thick bandage over his forehead and a crust of blood on his lip, but looked otherwise unharmed.

“Whoever they were, yes,” Rose nodded, leaning down to give her brother a one-armed hug. Normally she wouldn’t dream of such a flagrant display of affection, but there was little normal about their current situation.

“I think I swallowed a couple of teeth,” Dave added, his tone understating the gravity of the situation. “But everyone’s alive.”

“So I see,” Rose said, looking around the room as she took the empty seat next to him. The entire crowd of Freshman friends who had attended the Con Air showing that evening was present, a collection of humans and trolls who looked scared and confused as they sat quietly in their uncomfortable seats, close to their assorted ancestors, waiting for answers.

“Can SOMEONE tell me what the FUCK is going on!?”

Well, they weren’t all sitting quietly.

“Karkat, please, sit down,” Kankri Vantas was saying, attempting to corral his enraged descendent. “Now that everyone has been safely retrieved we will take a few minutes to ensure everyone is unharmed and then we will proceed with the explanations.”

“Everyone is fucking here!” Karkat yelled, nose-to-nose with his ancestor. “And even if we aren’t seriously hurt we are seriously fucking disturbed by you appearing out of fucking nowhere to fight space aliens in multicoloured MOTHERFUCKING PAJAMAS!”

“Oh, Karkat, I am SO sorry!” Kankri suddenly had his arms around Karkat, holding him close in what Rose figured was meant to be a gesture of comfort. “I should have been more considerate, this experience must have been so traumatizing for you!!! As soon as we have concluded our discussion I assure you, I will go over a new list of trigger warnings with you so I can attend to the content of my discussion!”

“RAGHHRGHGAHGH,” Karkat wiggled his way out of the embrace, growling unintelligibly for a moment before he regained his bearings. “Fuck your stupid trigger trauma horseshit! I just need someone to tell me what the fuck is GOING ON!”

“I think I can provide an explanation.”

Karkat turned, shoulders heaving as he let out a few wheezing breaths. Rose looked and saw Vriska’s ancestor stepping away from the group to address Karkat directly. She was practically identical to her young descendent, save for the shorter hair and the white-rimmed glasses, and had a similar effect on Karkat, in that he made no move to calm down in the slightest.

“Oh, great, Serket the elder,” Karkat threw his arms up. “That’s what I need, a fucking lecture from Aranea, my fucktackular day is complete, fantastic!”

Gamzee stepped up to give Karkat a gentle pap on the head and began to shoosh him, trying to herd him back to his seat. “Bro,” he mumbled once or twice. “C’mon, bro.”

“GRRRNJNJGHUHGHMGH,” Karkat growled, sitting back down in his chair. “This is fucking bullshit.”

“Language, Karkat,” Kankri admonished.

“FU-mmmph!” Karkat’s loud cursing was cut off by Gamzee’s other hand over his mouth, the combination of this and the paps and shooshes gradually bringing him down to a state of silence.

“Thank you, Mister Makara,” Aranea gave the clown-faced troll a polite smile before turning to face the rest of the group. “I am pleased to see you all survived this unfortunate encounter with minimal injury.”

“It was hardly minimal,” Rose heard Eridan grumble behind her. “One of those green ruffians tore my sweater!”

“Talk to me if you’re missing teeth, Ampora,” Dave muttered.

“Now see here-”

“AHEM,” Aranea gave both boys a piercing look, causing them to fall silent. “Thank you. Now, I am sure you all have questions about what just took place. I will endeavour to answer them as best I can, though I feel it is equally important to detail to you the exact circumstances of our current predicament, and what we are going to do to rectify it-”

“Those guys were the Felt,” Rose heard Dirk interject from where he leaned in the corner. “They’re trying to kill us.”

“Strider!” Aranea practically stamped her foot in frustration. “Please! This is a very serious incident, it is essential we adhere to the appropriate conventions of explanation, sparing no details!”

“I’m with Dirk here, we hardly have time for that shit, Serk,” Roxy piped up. “Give ‘em the short version, they’re tired, it’s late, and we have to get through a lot before the morning.”

Aranea huffed a bit, looking around the room at the other ancestral trolls, most of whom Rose did not recognize personally but could readily pair with each of her friends. Their expressions indicated that they agreed with Rose’s siblings, and she crossed her arms and sighed in annoyance. “Fine,” she scowled. “But I will begin at the beginning, otherwise tonight’s events will be completely nonsensical to everyone.”

“Just get on with it, Serk,” Feferi’s ancestor muttered. “We’ve been preparin’ for this night for sweeps and glubbing sweeps, you shoulda had plenty of practice in keepin’ it simple.”

“Fine,” Aranea sniffed. “I will keep it as simple as possible. The fate of our entire species rests in our hands but I will, of course, keep it simple.”

“Our entire species?!” Terezi blurted out, unable to help herself.

“Yes!” Aranea turned and flashed her a grin. “Ours and the entire population of Earth! You see, the story of the Alternian Empire did not end with our escape to this solar system.”

“Indeed it did not,” Kankri chimed in. “Of course I hope that you have all paid attention during your studies and can tell us of the circumstances surrounding the Voluntary Exiling of an entire subsection of our species?” He looked around the room expectantly.

“We just got the shit kicked out of us and he wants to teach a history class?” Dave muttered. “Fuck me.”

“Centuries ago the Condesce finally went off the deep end and initiated a strategic imperial initiative to wipe out large swathes of the lower castes on the hemospectrum,” Aradia said from her seat near the back, hands folded neatly in her lap. Rose thought that she also seemed surprisingly calm considering the circumstances. “In her mind she was conducting a strategic reboot, a controlled extinction, to reset the balance between blood colours, prevent more lowblood uprisings, and in order to do so she would readily murder billions. As a result, a rogue subsection of the troll population, the vast majority of them lowbloods or lowblood sympathisers, stole an intergalactic vessel and fled Alternian space, determined to free themselves from the Condesce’s oppressive regime once and for all.”

“Yes, very good Aradia,” Kankri nodded, smiling mildly. He was no longer wearing the strange pajamas Rose had seen all of their ancestors wear, but the lumpy red sweater he had on was not much better. “Our ancestors fled Alternian space with a matriorb and a mission: to save the trolls from their violent and hemophobic ruler and create a new society based around acceptance and understanding.”

“Thank you, Kankri,” Aranea said, an edge to her voice. She clearly tolerated Kankri Vantas about as well as Karkat did. “After sweeps of travel, as well as the pupation and maturation of an entire new generation of trolls, including us, the ship reached the Solar system. Detecting life on the third planet from the primary star, the ship’s helmsman directed the vessel towards Earth.”

“The ship landed on the thirteenth of April,” Rose heard a soft but clear voice behind her and turned to see John and Jade’s aunt Jane. “In the middle of the Puget Sound. The four of us” - she indicated herself, Roxy, Dirk, and Jake - “Were college students here in town, and we happened to be at Pike Place market at the time. We saw it happen, and we were some of the first humans to make contact with trolls.”

Rose and Dave exchanged looks. They knew that Dirk and Roxy had been involved in the Troll Rights movement since before they both were born, but neither of them had known that they had been part of the group that had made first contact.

“Those first five years were quite rough,” Jake continued, ignoring Aranea’s little irritated grumble at being upstaged. “The earth went through a complete political and governmental overhaul to account for the existence of alien life, trolls went rapidly from extraterrestrial immigrants to citizens, and by the time we had completed our respective college educations, the Alternian population had taken a solid and comfortable root here on good old planet Earth.”

“Not that it was simple or peaceful, of course,” Aranea interjected, clearly trying to regain control of the room. “Finding hives for all of the refugees took several sweeps, and the sudden population boom when the mother grub hatched an entire new generation of trolls certainly led to some unorthodox living situations.”

“Yes, young trolls are not normally raised by their ancestors,” Kanaya’s ancestor said, resting a hand on Kanaya’s shoulders. “The Exiles were unable to bring any Lusii with them, which led to us undertaking a more human role in grub-rearing.”

“Regardless,” Aranea jumped in again. “We had been on Earth almost three full sweeps before anything seemed particularly amiss. We thought we were safe on this planet, well out of reach of the Condesce’s grasp.” she paused, clearly for dramatic effect, and Rose resisted the urge to tap her foot impatiently. “We were wrong.”

“The Exiles on earth were not untainted by the Condesce’s reach,” Kankri said. “Among our fleeing brothers and sisters were loyalist spies, those still in league with the empire, and after trolls had established a functioning integration with humans, they began to make their move.”

“The agents of the Condesce were not just Alternian loyalists,” Aranea continued, still clearly annoyed at Kankri. “They were also aliens from other worlds she had contacted and conquered over the centuries, and among those aliens was a truly monstrous entity, one whose existence we learned of quite by accident.”

“I mean, I don’t know if it was an accident,” Roxy shrugged. “From what we were told it was destiny or some shenanigans.”

“Temporal-Spatial Shenanigans,” Dirk clarified, nodding solemnly behind his shades. “The weirdest shenanigans of all.”

“Will you let me finish?!” Aranea snapped.

“We will if you get on with it,” Dirk replied.

“The Condesce was all about conquering the fuck outta shit,” Terezi’s ancestor Latula piped up, her feet kicked up on the back of Sollux’s chair. “She conquered species from one side of the galaxy to the other. Carapacians, Leprechauns, all of ‘em. Took ‘em over, wrecked their shit, made ‘em slaves with brainwashing and all that jazz, so when she heard her not so loyal subjects ollied outie, she was wicked pissed, yo.”

“But the one species she could not conquer was the Cherubs,” Aranea said. “An ultra-powerful species with abilities that challenge time, space, and all rationality. Normally only one of these creatures can exist in any given universe at any given time, and the Cherub who the Condesce met was a monster named Lord English.”

“English?” Rose and the other human kids all turned as one to look at Jake, who shrugged.

“Coincidence,” he said.

“Yeah, right,” Dave muttered.

“His name is irrelevant,” Aranea brushed them off, returning to her expository speech. “What is relevant is that the Condesce was unable to stop him and his cronies, a gang of aliens Latula mentioned called Leprechauns, enlisted in his service since the beginning of time itself, and thus these two universal powerhouses reached an accord, agreeing to work together.” She glared at Dirk. “That succinct enough for you, Strider?”

“It’ll do,” Dirk shrugged, causing Dave to chuckle.

“Ugh,” Aranea scowled. “Anyway, Lord English and his gang of alien thugs claimed to be able to locate the Exiles, and were willing to do so provided she gave him a pocket of her empire to rule.”

“So she sent them after us,” Kankri continued. “Searching the universe for the traitors who had dared to defy her.”

“And they found us,” Aranea concluded quickly, before anyone else could jump in. “They landed via a crashed meteor and started doing everything in their power to contact her, inform her of our position, and bring her here to reconquer her traitorous subjects and the species that had given them refuge.”

“Obviously that is not what happened,” Kanaya’s ancestor said. “As we are still here and not obliterated by her armada.”

“Porrim, I am getting to that part!” Aranea snapped. “Yes, we stopped them, and I think that story is an essential part of this process, but some people seem to have their horns in a twist about how much time I am taking up sharing this information!” She scowled at the entire assembly.

“Save it for another lockdown party, Serks,” Feferi’s ancestor said, now seated and fiddling with two of her long braids disinterestedly. “Get to the good shit with the Cherub girl.”

“Honestly Meenah, you don’t know the first thing about good storytelling,” Aranea said, glaring at Meenah before continuing. “Previously I told you all that only one Cherub can exist at any given time, and this is true, but somehow, we suspect through what Damara only refers to as ‘Time Shenanigans’, Lord English is one of two Cherubs to exist in our universe. The other Cherub visited us on Earth the day that the meteor crash-landed. She told us that she had learned of her brother’s alliance with the Condesce, and that her travels across all of space had shown her the powers given to her species were the key to stopping them both for good.” Aranea was speaking very fast now, clearly thinking that if she did not pause for breath she would be able to finish the story without any further interruptions. “You see, Cherubs, while so few exist at any given time, have incredible powers that bend the very fabric of reality, powers bestowed upon them at birth through artifacts called Jujus. Every cherub has a different inherent power, and this Cherub, Calliope, knew that if she could share the tools that unlocked those powers with a more populous species, she would be able to stop her brother and his allies in their goals for conquest.”

“Wow, you might wanna slow down and explain some of that a little more, Aranea,” Roxy smirked. “Talk about an infodump.”

“Lalonde!” Aranea turned to Roxy and clenched her fists. “I am just TRYING to share ALL THE PERTINENT INFORMATION to everyone’s satisfaction. If I am not doing a good enough job of it perhaps YOU would care to tell the story?”

“We’d be here half as long if I did,” Roxy shrugged. “But yeah, Serket covered the biggies. Callie’s a cool Cherub lady who was born in this universe, but when she was young her dickfaced brother ripped a hole in spacetime and jumped to our universe, fucking basically everything up. She’s trying to fix it, and the way she decided to do that was to give Cherub powers to a bunch of humans and trolls.”

“So we see on the news that the meteor fell and we were like ‘hey whatever, space shit happens,” Dirk said. “But the four of us are chillin’ at our apartment, playin’ some Nintendo, when suddenly these green dudes are appearing out of nowhere trying to murder us.”

“Not unlike what happened to all of you today,” Jane chimed in.

“So we try to fight ‘em off but they’re crazy strong, crazy fast, kick our asses, we’re getting served like dudes on butler island, when suddenly this alien chick with a skull head shows up, wrecks their shit, and says ‘hi I’m here to help’,” Dirk continued, ignoring Aranea groaning in disgust at his abysmal storytelling. “She says she’s seen our efforts to help the troll Exiles live on earth in peace and warns us that the Condesce is still salty as fuck about them escaping, and since the fish queen’s in cahoots with her paradox bro, she wants to give us wicked cool powers to help.”

“So that’s where the powers come from,” Meenah added. “Same thing happened to us trolls, just like a day later. We met up with these human nerds again and had this fuckin’ epic adventure stopping the Felt and their buddies from making contact with the Condesce in deep space wherever.”

“You are leaving out SO MANY IMPORTANT THINGS!” Aranea moaned. “How do you expect them to learn anything when you aren’t giving them the appropriate background? The details, the metaphysics, the SCIENCE behind it??”

“Girl, it’s straight up magic,” Latula said. “Ain’t no science about it.”

“REGARDLESS,” Aranea yelled, crossing her arms. “Calliope gave us these powers by giving us access to a powerful Juju, which unlocked our powers when we touched it. Because, you see, every sentient being has the potential for these powers inside them, but lack of contact with these artifacts makes it impossible for us to identify them in any tangible way until they have been activated.”

“Unless you Time Hero,” Damara mumbled, an unlit cigarette in her mouth. “Then you see it already.”

“My point is,” Aranea said, clearly losing patience. Rose wondered how she survived working as an undergraduate advisor and dealing with students on a regular basis. “We all agreed, unanimously, to use our inherent talents and unlocked powers for the betterment of our species, and as a result, have spent the last seven sweeps defending this planet from the Condesce and Lord English.”

“It’s one of the reasons we founded TU,” Jane said. “This school, as well as being a shining example of the benefits of interspecies cooperation, gave us the perfect cover for working together to thwart these dastardly fuckers trying to track us down.”

“So the basement of the union is basically the batcave,” Dirk agreed. “If you can’t find us in our respective offices, we’re in here keeping the lid on shit.”

“Fixin’ network bullshit,” muttered Mituna.

“Forseeing disaster,” said Kankri.

“Sabotage Felt plans,” Damara drawled, lighting her cigarette, which Aradia reached over and extinguished immediately.

“Matchmaking,” said Nepeta’s ancestor, who also signed something to Gamzee’s ancestor, who gave her a thumbs up.

“And thus we lived our lives,” Aranea said loudly to drown out the others. “We worked here at the university, raised all of you, and also worked tirelessly to fend of The Felt and their allies. Now, you’re probably wondering what this has to do with all of you.”

“No fucking shit,” Karkat grumbled, Gamzee having finally released his mouth.

“When Calliope bestowed these powers on us, she warned us that in the future we may need to recruit additional heroes to help us defend the planet from Lord English and his cronies, and left us her Juju for that express purpose,” Aranea continued. “She mentioned to us that our descendents, as our genetic relatives and familial responsibilities, would be excellent candidates for that position if the Felt’s designs toward attempting to resume their conquest of Earth ever escalated.”

“Which it totally hella did, don’t know if you noticed,” said Latula. “So much shit be flyin’ off the handle it is incontinent, yo.”

“Thank you for the colorful metaphor, Latula,” Aranea scowled. “You are right. Lord English’s agents and the spies loyal to the Condesce have made moves towards returning to the kind of activity we saw when they first arrived on this planet, attempting to sabotage and assassinate us and you young ones at different times.”

“Assassination attempts?” Vriska said, her eyes wide. “What the fuck?”

“That day on the quad,” Rose murmured, looking across the room at Terezi, who had clearly thought the same thing. “Is that what that was?”

“I suspect as much,” Aranea said. “The incident during the welcome weekend was also orchestrated in part by their agents.”

“What,” Dave said. “The rap battle?”

Aranea pursed her lips. “Yes,” she said, clearly disliking the term. “Your verbal run-in with mister Salera. Our sources tell us that he is working closely with the Condesce’s agents.”

“He’s just a kid!” Terezi said. “An asshole brinesucker, but still a kid.”

“Please do not use that kind of language, Ms. Pyrope!” Kankri said, looking mortified. “Such expressions are incredibly offensive to our sea dwelling companions and-”

“Kankri, shut up,” Aranea snapped. “This is hardly the time for a lesson in social justice.”

“There is ALWAYS time for a lesson in social justice!”

“Okay!” Latula yelled, holding up a hand. “Chill out, bros and ladybros. What else do these rad kids need to know before the next thing we gotta roll up on?”

Aranea looked at Kankri, both of them calming down slightly. “That is the bulk of it, in essence,” she said. “The agents of the Condesce, along with the agents of Lord English, have escalated their longstanding attempts to re-capture the Exiles and to conquer and enslave all inhabitants of Earth. Seven sweeps ago, we accepted the gift of an alien that has given us the ability to fight back against these horrific forces, and now we want to give this gift to all of you, that you may help us finally defeat this evil.” She smiled lightly, looking around the room. “What do you all have to say to that?”

Rose looked at her friends, who had all been listening despite the squabbling and confusion. She looked across the room at Kanaya, who seemed confused but also accepting, and Terezi next to her, who seemed almost excited by the entire thing, a huge grin on her face. Beside her Dave seemed to be deep in thought, pondering the mountain of information that had just been imparted to them, and Jade’s expression was a mixture of nerves and determination.

It was John who finally spoke, breaking the silence that hovered amongst them:

“So,” he said. “What you’re telling us is, we’re superheroes?”

Aranea blinked, then shrugged. “That is perhaps a reductive term for it, but in essence, as you will have powers that supercede our species respective norms and you will be heroes in the traditional sense of the word, yes.” She nodded. “You will be superheroes.”

John blinked a few times, processing this for a moment, and then grinned wider than Rose had ever seen.

“Hell. Fucking. Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive Exposition Infodump, Part One, complete! We've got history, we've got superheroes, we've got destiny, we've got aliens, heck, we've got it all here in the Exilesverse! 
> 
> Thanks to everyone for reading and leaving comments and kudos!
> 
> EDIT: Now with [fantastic art](http://hueynomure.tumblr.com/post/147383686476/i-had-an-attack-of-the-fanarts-reading-hexstucks) of Aranea and Kankri being the exposition fairies courtesy of Huey Nomure! Go check it out!!


	17. Chapter 15: Shit, Let’s Be Superheroes

The room suddenly hummed with conversation, humans and trolls alike reacting to Aranea’s revelation. John’s excitement was drowned out by cries of shock, confusion, fear, and amazement all across the room. He could hear Karkat swearing, Terezi shrieking, Dave and Rose conferring, and Equius arguing loudly with his ancestor. All was chaos.

“Everyone! Please!” Aranea was attempting to regain control of the room again, waving her hands in the air desperately. “We need to return to some kind of order!”

“EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

The room fell silent instantly, and John looked around to locate the source of the words, which still echoed around the fluorescent room. He saw everyone staring at Gamzee, whose characteristic slightly dreamy expression had been replaced with a virulent glare not unlike the one he had worn immediately before the rap battle a few weeks ago.

“Fuckin’ thank you,” he said. “Everybody was gettin’ way too loud for my thinkpan, couldn’t get a handle on the shit that was goin’ down. Honk.”

John continued to stare at him, as did the rest of the group, and Aranea used the confused silence to steer them back to their original purpose. “Right,” she said. “Now we can continue.”

“Are you serious?” Vriska asked. John wondered why she had been so quiet for the duration of Aranea’s occasionally interrupted infodump. “You’ve been keeping this secret from me, hell, from all of us, for our whole lives? How am I supposed to trust any of you?”

“She’s got a point,” Meenah agreed. “We’ve kinda been lyin' to our kid descendants their whole lives. That’s fucked up.”

“We didn’t want to get you involved,” Aranea pleaded with Vriska, who had risen from her chair and was now standing across from her ancestor, staring her down with a cold fury John had never seen from her before. “It was too dangerous.”

“Oh, yeah, and that did a fuckload of good,” Vriska retorted. “Or did you not notice us almost getting killed tonight?”

“Vris,” Terezi said, stepping forward to try and calm her moirail, her hand on Vriska’s arm. “They were doing what they thought was best for the situation. Then we started school here and the situation changed.”

“Yes!” Aranea turned to Terezi, holding her hands out to her in a gesture of thanks. “Exactly! We were trying to protect you!”

“Oh, it’s still fucked up,” Terezi said, interrupting Vriska’s attempt at a scornful response. “I see where you were coming from, but it’s still a shitty thing to do.”

“Grrl, I ain’t sorry about it,” Latula folded her arms. “We raised you to be prepared without spilling the entire story, ‘cause that way you wouldn’t go gettin’ your rad self hurt!”

“Yeah, and that worked out great for you,” Terezi shot back. “Or did you forget the part where I ended up blind?”

“HEY,” Gamzee used his uncharacteristically angry voice again, causing both Pyropes to fall silent and Vriska and Terezi to sit back down, though they both still looked angry.

“Thank you,” Aranea said, turning back to the group as a whole. “I apologise for the secrets,” she said. “Please know that we were only doing what we thought was best.”

“I believe you,” Rose said, and John could see her looking at Roxy and Dirk. “I assure you, we will try to understand.”

“Maybe you will,” John heard Dave mutter. He was also uncharacteristically quiet, though John could not blame him. The entire situation was a lot to take in, after all.

“So what happens now?” John asked Aranea. He wasn’t sure why he was so much less bothered by the secrecy of the situation than the others. Maybe it had something to do with his upbringing - Jane was his aunt, and the two of them had spent a lot of time together while he was growing up, but his primary guardian had always been his Dad, so her life being a mystery was something her was already used to. “You want to give us these powers?”

“That is what we want, yes,” Aranea nodded. “Provided you are all willing.”

“Of course we are!” John exclaimed. “How could we not be?”

“We could not want to get ourselves dead, Egbert,” Karkat growled. “Which is what this entire fucking exercise will probably result in.”

“Not necessarily,” Jane said from her seat at the back of the room.

Karkat’s eyebrows went up. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Acceptance of these powers does come with some benefits,” she replied.

“Well, yeah!” John interrupted. “We get superpowers!”

“It goes beyond that, John,” Jane gave him a patient smile. “Upon accepting and unlocking your destined powers, you gain certain other advantages as well.”

“Yes,” Aranea nodded emphatically. “As a Hero, you gain many abilities, such as being able to fly, an attribute I find particularly useful in everyday life. You also gain access to advanced extra-dimensional spatial storage, which is very useful for all manner of transportative activities.”

“There’s also the part where we’re fuckin' immortal,” Meenah interrupted, saying it as if she were casually describing the ingredients in a burrito. “That might be important to tell ‘em.”

“Immortal?!” John exploded, and the rest of the room followed suit. It took a full minute of chaos for Gamzee to yell again and quiet everyone down, by which time Aranea had finished admonishing Meenah about the conventions of narrative revelation.

“A Hero who unlocks the powers within them is granted a conditional immortality,” Aranea said. “And will live forever unless killed. Even then, Heroes will revive unless the conditions of their death are cosmically deemed ‘heroic’ or ‘just’.”

“So,” John hadn’t meant to speak aloud, but the words just tumbled out of him. “You’re telling me we get superpowers, AND we get to live forever?”

“Again, reductive, but correct,” Aranea nodded. “Heroes will continue to age until they reach peak physical maturity for their species, and then physically remain that age for the duration of their conditional immortality.”

“Is that why none of you look a day over thirteen sweeps?” Vriska asked, scrutinizing Aranea with crossed arms. She had still not sat back down in her chair.

“I’d always wondered about that,” Jade commented, leaning over to look at Jake, who gave her a sheepish grin. “Good genetics can only take you so far.”

“It is true,” Jake shrugged. “But it was as good a reason as any to explain how a man almost in his forties looks twenty-five.”

“So we’ll keep aging until we get to that point and then we stay in our mid twenties forever?” John asked.

“That’s the truth,” Latula said, giving him a thumbs up. “Forever young, kids. It’s the raddest.”

“Provided you don’t die,” Dirk noted. “Well, die particularly heroically or justly, whatever obscure set of rules that shit is about. My point is, dying and reviving isn’t a fuckin’ party either, tell you what.”

“It’s only bad if you die in a particularly shitty way,” Roxy replied, smirking at her brother. “We don’t all think decapitation is the best solution to all problems.”

“Hey, that’s only a good idea when things have gone completely fucking pear-shaped,” Dirk shot back. “At the time it was more than justified.”

“Anyway,” Aranea said for what John felt was the thousandth time. “Those are the conditions, and with them comes the knowledge that you are joining a group of elite and powerful warriors tasked by cosmic forces to protect this planet from the evil that threatens it. It is a great responsibility, and I recommend that none of you undertake it lightly.”

“It has to be unanimous, if you all agree to this,” Kankri added. “When Calliope bestowed the artifact upon us and it unlocked our powers, it was only on the condition that all of us were committed to the decision to become Heroes.”

“I was getting to that, Kankri,” Aranea scowled. “Yes, it is important that you are all in unanimous agreement in accepting access to these powers, for it is through that unity that the Juju can unlock them within you.”

“Okay,” John said, feeling almost intolerable levels of excitement. “So do we get to pick our powers, or what?”

“Heavens no!” Kankri looked aghast. “These powers are not given to you by the artifact, they already exist within you, and always have. Accepting and unlocking them leads to an awakening, where you will discover the destined powers that have been inside you all along.”

“There are a set list of powers that we are currently aware of,” Aranea said. “So there are some parameters, but they already exist within each of you, so it is more of an exercise in self-discovery than anything.”

“Well that sounds stupid as fuck,” Karkat growled.

“It is how the powers work, Karkat,” Kankri admonished him. “Do not be so glib about your destiny.”

“Fuck destiny!” Karkat yelled. “I’m all about saving the planet, I’m one of the assholes who lives on it, but don’t give me that self-discovery special snowflake horseshit.”

“It’s a lot more badass than it sounds, Kar,” Latula said. “It’s like suddenly understanding all the shit about you that never made sense. It’s a trip.”

“Latula is correct,” Aranea said, seeming to begrudge her colleague for being so. “Regardless of your personal taste regarding my description of the situation, it is an accurate take on the process.”

“Whatever,” Karkat scowled. “What kind of powers do you all have, besides being young and living forever and shit?”

“Yeah!” John chimed in. “Do you shapeshift? Have cool gadgets? Run faster than a speeding bullet? Oooh, do the sweet costumes come with badass names?”

“Slow down there, old chap,” Jake said, moving to give John a calming pat on the shoulder. “Let Aranea explain.”

“Thank you, Jake,” Aranea nodded to him. “The process is quite simple. Every Hero has potential for two specific domains within them: a power class and a power aspect. Your aspect determines what you are able to channel your power into, while the class determines how you channel that power. I, for example, have power through the aspect of Light. This is both a literal idea and a metaphorical one.”

“So you can fix a dark room?” Karkat sneered.

“Karkat!” Kankri scowled.

“That is a more literal interpretation of the Light aspect,” Aranea replied. “It is less about the literal illumination of places and more about the metaphorical illuminations sentient beings are capable of having. How I am able to use and interact with Light is dependent on my class. As a Sylph, I am able to use my aspect, Light, to heal and enlighten others, helping them towards the most fortuitous paths.”

“So, what is it you do?” Vriska asked, looking very unimpressed. “That doesn’t seem like something you could effectively use in combat.”

“You’d be surprised,” Aranea gave her descendent a smile that made John feel uncomfortable. “Having someone who can change the fortune of both sides in a fight is extremely useful, as is having someone who can heal.”

“So you’re a healer?” John asked.

“That is one facet of my abilities, yes,” Aranea nodded.

“So,” Rose spoke up, her face a picture of concentration. John could tell she was determined to figure this out. “Your Heroic _aspect_ is Light, and your Heroic _class_ is Sylph, correct?”

“Yes indeed!” Aranea beamed, thrilled someone was listening. "I am the Sylph of Light!"

“And the rest of you have aspects and classes like Aranea does?” Rose asked, seeming to address her question to Roxy.

“Yep!” Roxy nodded. “My aspect is Void, and my class is Rogue.”

“What does that do?” John asked.

“It gives me cool voidey powers!” Roxy beamed. “As a Void Hero, I have power over empty space and nothingness. Which doesn’t sound all that interesting until you combine it with Rogue powers, which lets me steal nothingness from an object.”

“So…”John made a face. “You steal… nothingness?”

“Yep!” Roxy beamed. “Which makes the thing I stole appearify!”

“Okay,” Karkat interrupted again. “That just sounds like bullshit magic that isn’t real.”

“All right,” Roxy said, staring Karkat down with a steely glare that John found both intimidating and incredibly attractive. “Think of an object, any object, and then tell me its name. I’ll show you what I can do.”

“Ooh! Ooh!” John bounced up and down in his seat. “Appearify a shoe! Or maybe a dog! Ooh, how about a pumpkin?”

Roxy laughed. “Jeez, Eggs, pick one. Ok, let’s see.” Roxy closed her eyes and held her hands in front of her chest, wiggling her fingers slightly. John swore he didn’t blink, but that was the only explanation for what happened next. One moment, the space between Roxy’s hands was empty, and the next she was holding a large pumpkin.

“Whoa!” John almost jumped out of his chair, the others having similar responses: shock, confusion, disbelief. But there was no denying what they had all seen. Roxy Lalonde had just pulled a pumpkin out of thin air.

“That’s… a real… pumpkin!” Karkat said, his jaw hanging open in shock. “She just made a fucking pumpkin appear out of actual fucking nowhere!”

“Pretty sweet, huh?” Roxy grinned.

“Is that something one of us could potentially do?” Rose asked as the room quieted down. “Make things appear from nothingness?”

“If your aspect is Void, sure,” Roxy nodded, putting the pumpkin down by her feet. “But the stealing part is all Rogue. What you’ll be able to do with your powers will depend a lot on your unique class-aspect combination.”

“How many different classes and aspects are there?” Rose leaned forward, clearly fascinated by all of the information.

“There are at least fourteen classes and twelve aspects that we are currently aware of,” Aranea said, also leaning forward. John resisted the urge to groan. At this rate they were going to be here all night.

“Since there are sixteen of you, do any of you have the same class-aspect combinations?” Rose asked.

“None of them overlap in our groups, no,” Aranea continued. “It appears that the configuration of class-aspect assignation is a combination of destined attributes and the groups of Heroes unlocking the powers at any given time.”

“This is all very fascinating,” Karkat interrupted. “But can we please get on with deciding whether or not we’re actually going to fucking do this?”

“Shouty mcnubs has a point,” Meenah said, ignoring Karkat’s indignant ‘hey!’ and addressing Aranea. “You and Lalonde junior can geek out about the undiscovered theory of all this glubbing heroic stuff after we actually get down to business.”

“Works for me,” Dirk agreed, crossing to the center of the room to stand by Aranea. “So here’s what we do. You folks decide if you’re gonna be heroes, you touch the Juju, and your powers unlock. Simple as that.”

Aranea sighed. “Strider, could you be more reductive about the situation?”

“Want me to try?”

“The first step,” Kankri said, folding his arms in annoyance. “Is for the human descendants and the troll descendants to decide in their respective groups if they are going to accept this opportunity.”

“Why are we being split up by species?” John asked.

“Because this was the way Calliope unlocked our powers using the Artifact,” Aranea replied. “First she used the Artifact on the four humans, and then on us.”

“Why’d she do it like that?” John was confused. “Seems kinda unnecessary, why not just give the powers to everyone at once?”

“She didn’t give us the powers, she merely unlocked them,” Aranea said, giving John a disapproving frown. “And while I suspect it had something to do with the number of aspects available to potential Heroes being limited to twelve, she did not share her rationale with us.”

“It was probably destiny related,” Dirk shrugged. “Shit like this usually is. Got a question about how shit works? It’s destiny. It’s like when you don’t know how shit happens in fantasy worlds it’s probably because of a random fucking wizard. Why’s that horse got two heads? Wizard did it. Why’s that mountain in the shape of a dong? Wizard did it. How about the tentacle monster with teeth and a bikini? Wizard did it. Kinky wizard. Wizard with unique tastes.”

“Dirk!” Aranea snapped. “Could you please cease expressing your internal monologue?”

“So that’s a family trait,” John said, looking over at Dave, who flipped him off amiably in response.

“Whatever,” Dirk shrugged again. “I’m ready to get this party started whenever you figure out whether or not you wanna make this happen, so yeah, just say the word and I’ll release the Juju.”

“You have the Juju?” John looked surprised.

“Sure,” Dirk made a motion with his right hand and John heard a pop, the smell of ozone permeating the air around them. The empty chair beside Dirk was suddenly occupied by a grinning ventriloquist’s puppet wearing a baseball cap and an oversized blue shirt.

Everyone fell silent, staring at the puppet.

“Dirk,” Dave was the first to speak. “Why the fuck is Cal here?”

“Cal’s the Juju,” Dirk said matter-of-factly.

“Your ridiculous ventriloquist dummy is a cosmic artifact that defies the laws of spacetime?” Rose asked, giving her older brother a scathing look.

“That’s right, sis,” Dirk nodded.

Rose shook her head. “That is incredibly stupid.”

“Nah, Rose,” Dave held up a hand. “Lil Cal is the shit.”

“Don’t be hatin’ on the puppet,” Dirk added. “Puppets are awesome.”

“Well,” Dave made a face. “Not all puppets. Just Cal.”

“Are you serious?” John started laughing. “Puppets are so lame!”

“Puppets are awesome,” Dirk crossed his arms. “Cal is dope. John Egbert blows. The end.”

“Word,” Dave said, and Dirk gave him a fistbump. “At least to the part about Cal being dope and John blowing.”

“I still don’t get the beef you have against puppets,” Dirk shook his head.

“Strider’s puppet beef doesn’t have dick to do with the situation at hand,” Karkat snapped. “Can someone please explain _why_ the creepy puppet is a mystical all-powerful artifact?!”

“The original Juju looked quite different,” Aranea said. “When Calliope chose to give us the chance to allow our descendents to eventually unlock their powers, she imbued Dirk’s comical doll with the power of her Juju.”

“So it’s like a copy of the original?” Rose asked, studying Lil Cal with apprehension. Clearly she shared her twin brother’s hesitancy toward puppets.

“No, it IS the original,” Aranea said. “Only one instance of a Juju can exist in the universe at any given time. When she transferred the power of the Juju to Dirk’s puppet, her own Juju was destroyed.”

“And once we do this, Cal will go back to being a rad puppet dude,” Dirk said. “For now he just happens to be a magical macguffin rad puppet dude.”

“So we unlock our powers by touching the puppet,” Rose said. “And then the trolls touch him. And then it is no longer capable of such things?”

“Correct!” Aranea nodded. “It was imbued with the ability to unlock only the most specific of powers from the most specific of individuals.”

“More destiny shenanigans,” Dirk clarified. “Whatever the cool skull alien girl did, it’s a one-time deal. You unlock your powers, then that’s it, Cal goes back to being Cal.”

“So it has to be us?” John asked. “You couldn’t just offer this to random kids on the street?”

“I suspect other Jujus allow such things,” Aranea said. “But this one was created just for all of you.”

John and Rose exchanged glances. She seemed hesitant, but also curious, her eyes burning with a desire for knowledge John had never seen before. He looked at Dave, who nodded and gave him a thumbs up, and then to Jade, who looked a little nervous, but still smiled at him.

“So,” John said. “I guess we’re doing this?”

“Yeah,” Jade said, smiling wider.

“Yes,” Rose agreed. “We are.”

Dave nodded. “Shit, let’s be superheroes.”

“And the rest of you?” Aranea looked at Karkat, clearly addressing the trolls. “Are you willing to accept this opportunity to fulfill your destinies?”

John saw Karkat exchange glances with the rest of the trolls in the room. He knew the twelve of them had known each other in high school through one social connection or another, but he had never seen how much they seemed to look to Karkat for their next move. Even Vriska seemed willing to defer to him, giving him a nod and a thumbs up from her spot next to Terezi.

“We’re in,” Karkat said. “If only to show the humans what being superheroes is really all about.”

“Oh, it is on,” Dave said. “We’re gonna be beyond super, so super you won’t know what to do with yourself.”

“You’ll try, coolkid,” Terezi shot back. “You’ll try.”

“Very well.” Aranea’s commanding tone caused all taunts of dueling superheroics to cease. “If you are willing, we will begin.” She stepped to one side and looked at John. “Step up and touch the puppet.”

“Never thought I’d hear those words coming from someone I wasn’t related to,” Dave muttered as he stood up. Jade and Rose followed suit, and John joined them so that the four of them were standing around the chair where Lil Cal sat.

“Place a hand on the Juju,” Aranea instructed. “This will not hurt, but it might feel somewhat strange.”

John exchanged looks with his friends. “We ready for this?” he asked.

Rose nodded. Jade smiled, determined. Dave gave another thumbs up.

“Okay,” John reached towards Cal with one hand. “On three.”

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

The second John put his hand on Lil Cal’s soft foam head, he felt a jerking sensation behind his eyes. The entire room spun, everyone’s faces suddenly blurring, and he felt wind rushing all around him, swirling through his hair and whipping around his clothes. It felt like a breeze rushing through him, cool and refreshing and somehow so utterly _right_ , a physical manifestation of a perfect certainty of thought.

He was the breeze. It was him. He knew it in his very soul. A phrase floated into his mind and stayed there, something he seemed to now know with the same certainty he had that his name was John Egbert.

He was the Heir of Breath.

John didn’t know how long he stood there, his hand on the puppet, feeling the wind course through him. As the room became less blurry, John could make out the faces of his friends again, though the four of them were all considerably different.

For starters, they were floating. Straight up floating a few feet in the air, their hands still on Lil Cal. John stared across the small circle of four at his half sister, whose hair was curling with bright green energy. She positively glowed, her everyday shirt and skirt replaced with a flowing black dress and a hood. There was a symbol on her chest that looked to John like it was either a star or a flower of some kind, eight curving white lines arranged in a circle. He glanced to his left and saw that Rose’s jeans and tee had been replaced with an orange dress emblazoned with a yellow sun. She looked serene, like she had just somehow achieved enlightenment. Dave also looked enlightened, but his face was a line of calm determination. He still wore his shades, but his outfit had been replaced with a dark red pair of pants, a shirt with an orange symbol on it that looked kind of like a clockwork cog, and a cape, an honest-to-god cape, that flowed around him.

He saw that they were staring back at him and he looked down to see his own transformed clothes, his jeans now comfortable cloth pants, his shirt dark blue with a sideways light blue curl of something - breath, he thought - on the chest. He raised his arms to feel around his head and realized he was wearing a hood, one that had a long point at the back that hung down like a wind sock.

Holy shit.

They were superheroes.

“Wow,” Jade said, looking at her own hands. “This is real.”

“The realest,” Dave agreed. He looked over at Rose. “Cool sun.”

“Thanks,” she said, smiling primly. “Seems fitting for the Seer of Light.”

“Nice,” Dave nodded approvingly. “Knight of Time.”

“Heir of Breath,” John chimed in.

Jade smiled. “Witch of Space.”

Behind him he could hear the trolls murmuring, asking more questions and demanding more answers of their ancestors. He was, however, distracted, by the feeling surging through him. He had never felt anything like the kind of power that now seemed to rush directly beneath the surface of his being.

“Congratulations,” John heard Aranea say. “You have unlocked your destinies.”

John looked at his friends, then down at the trolls. They seemed to be partially in awe, amazed that what their ancestors had promised had actually come to pass, but also determined, like they were ready to take the next step themselves. He caught Vriska’s eye and she smiled at him, her eyes glittering with a familiar sight, one he’d gotten used to even in the short time they’d known each other: ambition.

He held out his hand and concentrated, thinking about the way this feeling - The Breeze, he was sure that was what it was for some reason - flowed through him, like he could actually feel the air moving around him, feel it in his veins. He sensed the air and reached out a little further. Slowly a small twisting cyclone appeared in his hand, spinning and spinning, a mesmerizing miniature tornado.

“Holy shit,” he whispered.

He was a superhero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exposition 2: Electric Boogaloo. 
> 
> Now with added refrance! Because of course Dirk has decapitated himself at least once. Sometimes shit just goes completely fucking pear-shaped. 
> 
> Also here have ALL the classpect stuff, I swear I've been up to my ganderbulbs in analysis of this shit the whole time I've been writing this fic, I am absolutely entrenched in this bitch, there is no getting out of it. And I'm okay with that. 
> 
> Thanks again everyone for reading! I appreciate it! One more chapter in Act 1, then a brief intermission and we get into the real shit in Act 2!


	18. Chapter 16: The Alice in Wonderland Treatment

Jade had been concerned about all of them wearing ridiculous semi-matching pyjamas all the time until Jake explained how easy it was to revert back to regular clothes.

“We all do it a little differently,” he said. “It primarily relies on a personal cue. I, for instance, favour a finger snap.” He snapped his fingers and his sensible slacks and polo shirt transformed into his startlingly yellow Hero costume, short shorts and all. Jade heard somebody wolf whistle and resisted the urge to yell at them. Her uncle's objective attractiveness notwithstanding, it was still creepy.

The trolls were all still in their Hero outfits, comparing colours and their various classes and aspects. From what Jade could tell, there was some overlap between the four humans and the twelve trolls' classes and aspects, but not any identical pairs. She could see Kanaya standing with Aranea, her pyjamas emblazoned with the same symbol Jade had on her own outfit, which designated her as a fellow Space Hero. Whatever that meant. Jade knew instinctively that she was the Witch of Space, but knowing what she was did not explain exactly what that entailed.

“I am sure you all want to know exactly what you are now capable of,” said Aranea, as if she had just read Jade's mind. “Please rest assured that we will help you understand and learn to control these powers.”

“How?” Karkat asked, trying to be disgruntled but failing. It was clearly difficult to be angry when you were hovering a foot off the ground and had a pair of iridescent wings and a cape. “Pretty sure this shit doesn't come with an instruction manual.”

“We will train you,” Kankri said, giving Karkat a proud smile. “While we all have different class-aspect combinations, those of us who have a class and aspect in common with each of you will be able to provide guidance and training as you learn your own unique abilities.”

“Now, we don’t have to tell you not to go shouting about your cool magic shit to random nerds on the street, right?” Meenah said.

“No,” Dave replied. “Looks like you're gonna anyway though.”

“Conceal your powers," Aranea said before Meenah could start arguing. “Use them only when necessary. Train with us. I assure you, it will all be worth it.”

Aranea's words echoed in Jade's mind as she walked with the others back to the dorms, everyone dressed normally and tense after what had just occurred. It felt like her head was going to explode, and trying to process everything their ancestors had said seemed to only make it worse.

The trolls who lived in different dorms split off as they crossed the quad, returning to their own homes and leaving the others to their walk to Unity Tower. Jade couldn't believe how normal everything seemed. Stars still shone in the sky, streetlights still flickered, students still played Midnight Frisbee on the quad. Everything felt the same.

Except for her.

She didn't know how to describe it, what she was feeling. Her best attempt would be something like a profound awareness of everything, an encompassing knowledge of location. It wasn't just that she knew where Bec was, it was that she had a pinpoint mental picture of exactly where he was in relation to her. Her mind felt like some kind of GPS, able to locate anyone and anything she conceived of.

She still felt it even as they filed into room 413, an unspoken agreement among them to not separate into their respective living groups until they had gotten a chance to breathe and parse this out.

“So,” Dave began as they all sat down in the living room. “That was definitely not part of my plan for the evening, how about you guys?”

“Shut up Strider,” Karkat growled. He looked positively miserable.

“What's got your cape in bunch?” Dave shot back. “You just found out you're a superhero but you're acting like someone just told you that you've got a terminal illness.”

“It’s the wings,” Terezi said, for once seeming to not be trying to antagonize Karkat. She seemed concerned, perhaps even afraid. “He’s freaking out about the wings.”

“You’re damn right I’m freaking out about the fucking wings,” Karkat said, slumping on the couch. “Nine fucking sweeps I’ve been able to keep this to myself, then suddenly I touch a fucking puppet and my secrets are on display for everyone to fucking see!”

“Secrets?” Jade asked, looking concerned. She had seen Karkat transform along with the rest of the trolls and hadn’t noticed anything particularly different about him other than the wings, which all of the trolls had when they were in their Hero outfits. She didn’t understand what the big deal was.

“Knight of fucking Blood, what a fucking punch in the bulge,” Karkat muttered, shrugging Gamzee’s sympathetic arm away. “ ‘Hey, Karkat, this is destiny calling, the super special powers you can use to save the world are tied directly to the thing you loathe most about yourself, have fun saving the world, shitstain’.”

“You know we don’t care, right?” Vriska said, her tone harsh but not as rude as Jade had expected. “Seriously, Karkat, we don’t.”

“Don’t care about what?” John asked, looking as confused as Jade felt.

“The colour of the trolls’ wings when they’re heroes,” Dave said softly. “It corresponds to blood colour.”

Jade and John both fell silent, staring at Karkat, whose face remained a picture of misery. She finally understood, and felt something tug at her heartstrings. He was a constantly raging bundle of anger and cursing, but at his core Karkat was afraid, truly afraid, of anyone knowing his place on the hemospectrum, no matter how much both troll and human culture did their best to make it an outmoded concept.

John apparently needed a little more help. “Isn’t it, like, a genetic mutation to have red blood if you’re a troll?”

“Yes, it is.” Karkat snapped. “Thanks for the obvious statement, Captain Fucknuts.”

Vriska is right though, bro,” Gamzee said. He was calmer than he had been in the hideout, but his voice still lacked much of its familiar sopor-induced drawl. “We don’t give a shit what flavor you got, you’re still our best bro.”

“Have you hidden this your whole life?” Rose asked, sympathetic.

Karkat nodded. “Kankri likes to be all loud and proud about it but never tried to get me to be all up in people’s faces about it. So I hide it. At least I did. Can’t get away with that shit any more I guess.”

“The only people who’ll see it are us and those Felt dudes,” Dave said. “That isn’t so bad, right?”

“That makes it fucking worse!” Karkat said, finally accepting Gamzee’s comforting hand against his forehead. “Trolls left Alternia so people like me wouldn’t get culled the second they hatched, now I find out the Batshit Troll Queen of Fuck You is combing the galaxy to find us? If they see a freak mutant-blood trying to fight them it’s just gonna make her come down even harder on this planet.”

Jade stared at him. “You’re worried you’re putting everyone in danger,” she said slowly. “Just by being here.”

Karkat didn’t look at her, but she could see a hint of red glinting in his eyes. He was starting to cry.

“Okay, look,” Vriska said, clearly uncomfortable that Karkat was getting emotional. “How about we just level the playing field. Karkat just spilled his guts about his deepest darkest secret or whatever. How about the rest of us share some deeply personal shit so we’re all out there fighting this battle knowing we’ve all got shit we want to hide?”

“That is a good and surprisingly sympathetic idea, Vriska,” Rose said, giving her a studious look. “I admit, I was not expecting that from you.”

“Fuck you, Lalonde,” Vriska sneered. “Just because I don’t wear my bloodpusher on my sleeve doesn’t mean I feel nothing.”

“It makes sense,” Terezi said, resting her head on Vriska’s shoulder. “Hell, I’m all for reassuring Karkat, especially since he’s meant to be our leader.”

“How do you figure that?” Dave asked.

“His aspect is Blood,” she replied. “Blood Heroes have an affinity for interpersonal relationships and group cohesion. Whether they do it intentionally or not, they exist as the grub sauce that holds the loaf together.”

“Like I said,” Karkat grumbled, sniffing angrily. “Fate’s fucked up irony game.”

“How do you know all of that?” Jade asked.

Terezi grinned. “Seer of Mind,” she said. “My brain is so full of hot info you’d think Aranea was living in it.”

“So, we share secrets or confessions or something to help Karkat feel better?” Dave asked, getting off the couch and crossing into the kitchen. “Spill our deepest and darkest, our sickest and weirdest?”

“Everyone knows yours is going to be about your secret puppet fetish, Strider,” Vriska rolled her eyes. “Save the fake depth for shit that really matters.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, SpiderGirl,” Dave said, opening the fridge and rummaging through it. “My deepest and darkest confessions have nothing to do with puppets.”

“Then what are they to do with?” Vriska crossed her arms, defiant as always. Jade felt her stomach turn with anxiety. Vriska’s confrontational attitude somehow seemed even stronger tonight, like she was using it as a weapon instead of as her default mode of expression.

“I already know Dave's,” Karkat shrugged, wiping his eyes angrily. “And you guys don’t have to do this, really, I’ll be fine.”

“Nah, you know what, fuck it,” Dave said, putting a bottle of apple juice down on the counter. “You sassed me up, Vriska, so I’m gonna drop the truth like an atom bomb all over this room. It’s gonna be so real you’ll be feeling it for days, shaking your head going ‘how did I not know this? The revelation is so mind-blowing I can’t even feel my thinkpan from how hard it has been blown’.”

“Running away with the metaphor there, Dave,” Rose muttered.

“Good luck blowing my mind, Strider,” Vriska smirked. “You’re not so difficult to figure out, you’re a dork boy pretending to be cool who likes to rap and drink juice. What more is there to know?”

“Fuck, I don’t know,” Dave opened the bottle of juice and took a long drink before he continued. “How about that I’m transgender?”

Jade could have heard a pin drop in the room, the silence practically echoing in the wake of Dave’s confession. She saw John’s mouth drop open, Gamzee blink rapidly, Terezi’s mouth form a round ‘o’ shape, and Vriska…

Vriska looked like somebody had just punched her.

“Well,” Rose picked up her knitting bag and pulled out a pair of needles. “That was certainly melodramatic.”

“So…” John began, pointing at Dave. “You… you aren’t… I mean… you weren’t… what?”

“When Dave was born the doctors assigned him to the female gender,” Rose said, starting to work on yet another sweater. “Just as they assigned me to the male one.”

“Okay, whoa, hold up,” Vriska was now thoroughly bamboozled, both of her hands on her head. “BOTH of you are trans?”

Rose nodded. She seemed incredibly calm, as did Dave, and Karkat looked completely unfazed by the revelation. If anything, he looked grateful that the attention had been focused elsewhere.

“So you…” John trailed off again, looking first at one twin, then the other. “And he… and you both… wow.”

“Eloquent as ever, Egbert,” Terezi sniffed. She also looked unsurprised, her expression more one of confirming a suspicion than shock. Probably another part of her class-aspect combination.

“It’s not a big deal,” Dave said, putting away the apple juice. “It’s just something about us. Karkat already knew, but now the rest of you do as well, so we can continue this massive feelings orgy on schedule.” He crossed back into the living room and sat back down on the couch.

“We don’t need to have more discussion of feelings,” Karkat scowled. “I’ll be fine, let’s focus on the fact that we have superpowers instead of my stupid mutant blood.”

“No, this is fun!” Terezi replied, grinning. “I love secrets, who’s next? Harley? Egbert? Gamz?”

“Um, I guess I can go?” Jade said, still feeling anxious. “I don’t have much in the way of secrets on the level of blood colour or identity politics, but I do still watch Squiddles.”

“That show for wigglers?” Terezi asked. “With the little tentacle beasts?”

“Yeah,” Jade blushed.

“Okay, that’s not as juicy as it could be, but it’ll do,” Terezi nodded.

“For fuck’s sake, Terezi,” Karkat growled. “I don’t give a shit about everyone’s confessions, I’m more concerned about the fact that now we’re supposed to be superheroes!”

“What’s there to be concerned about?” she shrugged. “So we fight evil. That’s fucking cool!”

“It’s fucking insane is what it is,” Karkat shot back. “We’re kids! Barely nine sweeps, just starting fucking college, we’re supposed to be thinking about our future careers and math exams and trying out for intramural sports, not saving the whole fucking world from the Queen of the Psycho Fish!”

“Well, to be fair, we still get to think about careers and exams and sports,” Rose mused. “We just also have to learn how to use our newly unlocked powers, keep them a secret from the world at large, and also save the universe.”

“Sure,” Dave snorted. “No pressure though.”

“I have no clue what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing,” Karkat shook his head. “So I’m the Knight of Blood, what does that mean?”

“I think that is for you to figure out, Karkat,” Rose said. “Our unique class-aspect combinations are our own to discover.”

“Doesn’t mean we won’t be getting help,” Vriska said, looking thoroughly unworried. “Shit, they want us to go and train with them first thing in the morning. We’ll get full long-winded explanations from Aranea while we also learn how to kick ass and take names. What’s there to worry about?”

“Jegus, I don’t know, DYING?” Karkat scowled at her. “That shit doesn’t freak you out in the slightest?”

“We can’t die, remember?” Vriska replied, her face still twisted in a sneer. “We get to live forever. Shit, we have powers beyond mortal knowledge, we can fly, we’ll outlive everyone. Fuck being Superheroes, we’re basically gods!”

“Great, just what you need,” Karkat growled. “More of a fucking complex.”

“I just don’t see why you’re not more grateful,” she flipped her hair in her characteristic gesture of dismissal. “I mean, hell, with blood as low as yours, you’d probably only get to about fifteen or twenty sweeps before you died of natural causes, you should be celebrating!”

The room fell silent, even Terezi turning to stare at Vriska in shock. Karkat sat up very straight, his eyes suddenly blazing with fury. No, wait, Jade looked closer and saw that they were literally blazing, glowing with a dark red energy. “You…” he snarled, and his voice reverberated through the room, cutting through Jade like some kind of edged weapon. “... Do _not_ get to talk to me like that, Vriska. Ever. Or so help me Gog...”

“You’ll do what, Karkles?” Vriska replied, looking somewhat shaken in the wake of his echoing order, but still maintaining her imperious facade. Jade could tell she was angry, though whether or not she was angry at Karkat was not clear. “Kill me? I’ll just come back to be the thorn in your side again and again.”

Vriska,” Terezi warned her moirail.

“I’ll just find a way to make you stay dead, Serket,” Karkat snapped, Gamzee holding him by the arm to keep him sitting down. “I am more than prepared to kill you again and again until it sticks.”

“Okay,” Dave muttered. “I know I’m still new to quadrants and shit, but this isn’t blackrom flirting, right? This is straight up Vriska being awful.”

“Stay out of this, Strider,” Vriska warned, her eyes narrowed and focused entirely on Karkat. “This is between me and him.”

“Stop, Vriska,” Terezi said, her own voice edged with severity. “What you said was out of line.”

“Yeah?” Vriska snapped, wrenching her hand away from where Terezi tried to grasp it. “Well so was our ancestors fucking _lying_ to us our entire lives! How is nobody else pissed off about that?”

Jade and Rose exchanged glances, both of them a little surprised. They had known Vriska was upset about the secrecy of the situation, but they had underestimated just how much it was bothering her. “They were just trying to protect us,” Rose said.

“They could have done that and been honest with us at the same fucking time!” Vriska snapped. “It’s not that fucking hard to just tell the goddamned truth!”

“I get that you’re upset,” Terezi reached up to Vriska’s face, trying to soothe her. “But that doesn’t mean you should take it out on Karkat, Vris.”

“Fuck off,” Vriska slapped her hand away. “I’ll say what I want.”

“Well, what you said was out of line, even for you,” Karkat said, and Jade could see the glowing red energy emanating from his eyes spreading from his face down to his arms, until all of him seemed to flicker and glow. When he spoke again, his voice was laced with power. “So fucking apologize.”

It was directed at Vriska, but Jade knew the entire room felt the effect of his voice. It was not a full on compulsion, but a strong persuasive tone, Karkat’s voice full of a power that spoke to her on a subconscious level. That voice was one she would follow into battle, follow without question, one that could lead them to victory, one she trusted.

Vriska looked taken aback, like she was finally understanding the gravity of what she had said to Karkat. Looking down at her hands, she sighed. “I just can’t believe Aranea kept this from me my whole life,” she said. “She was like my human sister, and now it feels like I don’t even fucking know her.” She looked over at Karkat. “I’m not sorry I’m pissed, let’s be real about that, but the shit she lied about isn’t on you. So…” she trailed off, her voice dropping. “Yeah. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Karkat was still tense, but he gave her a curt nod. “Okay, he said. “Fine.”

“Chill out, Karbro,” Gamzee murmured, pulling his moirail back down onto the couch. Karkat leaned back, the energy surrounding him dissipating. “Don’t go using your powers when you’ve only just got ‘em, we don’t know what they can do yet.”

“I mean, I feel we have some ideas from this exchange,” Rose said, still calm but clearly grateful for the focus on the discussion of powers rather than the use of them. “I suspect that with enough meditation, I will be able to deduce more specific abilities and roles for each of us.”

“What makes you so sure of that?” Vriska sniffed, still angry but much subdued.

Rose grinned at her. “Seer of Light,” she said. “It’s in the name.”

Across the room John shook his head a few times. “This is just… so much…” he muttered. “We’re superheroes, Karkat’s a mutant, Rose used to be a guy.”

“Hey, Rose has ALWAYS been a girl, John,” Dave snapped. “And don’t you forget it!”

“Whoa, ok, sorry,” John held up his hands. “I mean… fuck… like… with the… I didn't mean... shit…” he continued to stutter for a few moments, and Jade felt the anxiety knotted in her stomach worsen. Everyone began to talk at once, bickering and speaking over each other in desperate attempts to be heard.

An uncomfortable pressure had begun to build behind Jade’s eyes, making her feel almost like she needed to sneeze. The room began to hum, her ears ringing slightly, and she found herself staring at the couch across the room from her where Dave sat, still arguing with John, and Karkat sat next to Gamzee, who still had a grip on his arm, even though the issue between him and Vriska had been defused. She couldn’t think through the sound of cacophonous bickering, the overlapping noise of everyone’s opinions and taking offense. The tension, the fear, the adrenaline from the events of that night were all still high and climbing higher, and the only thing she could think to do was keep staring at the same spot on the couch, trying to focus on it until she could block it all out.

She became aware that someone had said her name, though she did not respond. The noise was dying down, overtaken by the ringing in her ears, and as she continued to stare at the couch she felt all the hair on her head stand on end like an electric current had just surged through her.

“Jade? Jade!”

“What’s wrong?”

“Why is the couch-”

“Whoa!”

“SHIT!”

_POP._

Jade knew what had happened, but she still couldn’t quite believe her eyes. One moment Dave, Karkat, and Gamzee had all been sitting on the couch, the next they were sprawled on the floor, the couch having disappeared from under them. She blinked a few times, staring at the empty space on the living room floor, and felt her mouth open and then close again. She didn’t know what to say.

“Ow,” Dave said, staring up at the ceiling, slightly dazed.

“What…” Karkat coughed a couple of times before sitting up. “What the FUCK?”

“Bro…” Gamzee muttered. “Where’d the motherfuckin’ couch go?”

“Um…” Dave reached over and picked up a small object, which the others stared at in disbelief. It was the couch they had been sitting on, but shrunk down to dollhouse size, one of the legs broken off from the impact of three full-sized teenagers landing on it. “Found it.”

Rose blinked slowly, then turned to look at Jade. “Getting the hang of being the Witch of Space, Jade?” She seemed utterly unfazed.

Jade felt her entire face turn red as everyone else turned to stare at her. She spread her hands helplessly, unsure of exactly what to say, and instead just gave them a sheepish grin. “Uh…” she scratched the back of her head. “Oops?”

“Jade,” Dave said from where he lay on the floor, propped up on his elbows to look at her, his shades hanging comically off of one of his ears. “Did you just shrink the couch?”

“Not on purpose!”

“Holy shit!” John was suddenly down on the floor between Dave and Karkat, examining the tiny couch. “Jade shrunk the couch? That’s awesome!”

“Not the word I would use,” Karkat groaned. “Fuck, I think I broke my spine.”

“Did you know you could do that?” Terezi asked her, more curious than accusatory.

“No!” Jade protested. “I was just… trying to drown out the noise of everyone talking, so I just started staring at the couch, and then… pchoo.” She brought her thumb and index finger together as a demonstration of shrinking. “Mini-couch.”

“Can you return it to the original size?” Rose asked.

“I don’t know,” Jade said. “Probably?”

“Try,” Rose replied. “Once everyone is out of the way of course.”

“I told you, I can’t move,” Karkat groaned. “Harley shrunk a couch and my spine’s been shattered, fuck, how do I explain that one to the guys at the hospital? ‘Pardon me nurse, I fell when my crazy friend turned our couch into fucking DOLLHOUSE FURNITURE!”

“Bro,” Gamzee picked Karkat up and dragged him into the kitchen, ignoring his flailing and swearing. “Chill.”

Dave also got to his feet, taking the tiny couch back from John and setting it down on the carpet. “Go for it,” he said, stepping back.

“This is so beyond cool,” Terezi whispered.

Jade blushed again, hating the sensation of everyone staring at her, but she tried to focus, tried to find her way back to the feeling that had overwhelmed her just before she had made the couch shrink. The others fell silent, which made them easier to block out, but Jade hated knowing they were all watching her. She closed her eyes, stretching out one hand towards the couch, and focused, recalling the couch as it had been before.

There was another surge of energy that ran through her body, another soft _pop_ , and Jade heard everybody else gasp. Opening her eyes, she saw that the couch was back to normal, regular sized and capable of being a place to sit again, even with its broken foot.

“Well,” Dave said, crossing his arms. “Fuck me.”

“That was the coolest fuckin’ thing ever,” Gamzee said, sitting back down on the couch. “I hope my powers are that badass.”

“Fascinating,” Rose murmured. “It seems one way your powers can be used is to change the size of things.”

“Guess it’s a good thing our training starts tomorrow,” Dave said. “If we’re all capable of shit like this, we’ve gotta learn how to control it before all of our furniture gets the Alice in Wonderland treatment.”

“Yeah…” Jade trailed off, looking down at her hands. She could still feel the tingling sensation of energy coursing through her body. It was so strange, a feelng that she could only think of as being both utterly alien and completely familiar all at once. She had never felt so overly aware before, never felt so incredibly alive.

If this was being the Witch of Space, she was pretty sure she was going to like it.

***

“It is so,” Scratch said, his tone neutral. “The young descendants have unlocked their powers.”

“I did what I could Boss,” Jack Noir sat in front of the screens, nursing his eye. The gash was still bleeding. “But their ancestors swooped in all save the day heroics and shit. There was nothing we could do.”

“I know,” Scratch replied. “And it is clear that there never could have been anything we could have done.”

“Huh?” Jack scowled. “The fuck do you mean?”

“I mean that the young descendants’ inheritance of their powers is clearly part of the alpha timeline,” Scratch said. “Thus making it predestined that they would become their true Heroic Selves regardless of our interference.”

“So we did all that stalking them and tryin’ to kill them for nothing?” Jack snapped, wincing at the pain in his head. “What was the point?”

“The point, Jack, is that they have their powers, and will be working to foil our exploits at every turn!”

“Sorry boss, but I don’t see how that’s a good thing.”

Jack watched the monitor in front of him as Doc Scratch leaned forward, moving out of the shadows to be closer to the camera. His head was completely smooth and white, a near-iridescent cue ball atop green-clothed shoulders, with no distinguishing features or indicators of anatomy that allowed the power of speech. Nevertheless, he continued, and Jack could hear the perverse glee in his tone:

“It is a good thing, Jack, because it will make all that is to come that much more fun.”

**\--- END OF ACT 1 ---**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end of Act 1! 
> 
> Thanks everyone for reading, leaving your lovely comments, and encouraging me to keep sharing this AU. 
> 
> Act 2 will start after a couple of brief intermission fics. Unfortunately since I'm going to be starting my PhD in August, the updates will likely slow down a little, but my goal is to keep writing ahead so I can guarantee you guys a chapter a week!
> 
> So, look for the first intermission chapter next Monday! For more updates and info, don't be afraid to leave comments here or drop by my tumblr!


	19. Intermission 1: Why Are There Six Pedals If There Are Only Four Directions?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the first intermission! This mini-fic takes place during [ Chapter 12 ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6977713/chapters/16774681), and is all about what happened during Jade's driving lesson! I hope you enjoy!

“Don’t be nervous, ” Dave palmed his keys and shoved them into his pocket as he and Jade crossed the street, heading towards the student parking lot.

“I’m not nervous!” Jade protested, her expression betraying her words. She was wearing jeans and sneakers, appropriate attire for learning to drive from what Rose had told her.

“It’s cool if you are,” Dave said, shrugging. “Driving’s a rite of passage, but that rite is harrowing and filled with angst and strife, fighting off creatures twisted by dark magic, homoerotic tension, climbing mountains to dispose of magic rings, truly an epic for the modern age.”

“But I shouldn’t be nervous?” Jade cocked her eyebrows.

“Nah,” Dave said. “You’ll be fine, because you’ve got Dave Strider along as your wise and helpful guide, making this the best quest you’ll ever go on.”

“Okay, Gandalf the weird,” Jade giggled. “Lead the way.”

“Not much further,” Dave said as they crossed the parking lot, heading for an almost empty row of spaces. “She’s just up ahead.”

Jade looked in the direction Dave pointed and stopped walking, her mouth falling open slightly.

“Jade?” Dave asked, stopping a few paces ahead of her. “What’s up?”

“No way,” she said, staring in disbelief. “THAT’S your car?”

Dave looked over at the only car in the row of parking spaces and nodded. “Yep, that’s her.”

“You’re pulling a prank on me,” she said. “John put you up to this.”

“Egbert’s got nothing to do with the awesomeness that is this car,” Dave said, gesturing to the vehicle. “She’s all mine, and I love her.”

“It’s…” Jade trailed off, trying to find the right word for what she beheld.

“Cool?” Dave tried. “Adorable? Vintage?”

“ _Tiny_.”

“Hey,” Dave held up his hands. “She may not have the biggest trunk for junk but she’ll get you from A to B.”

“The doors are different colours.”

“They were all red once!”

“The bumper’s falling off.”

“I just drove her here from Texas, it was hard on her!”

“ _It’s a busted up Volkswagen Beetle, Dave_!”

“Also known as _literally the greatest car of all fucking time, Jade_.”

Jade paused and crossed her arms, giving him a look over the top of her glasses. “Dave Strider,” she said. “You are such a nerd.”

“Shut the fuck up, Harley,” Dave shoved his hands into his pockets, looking away from her. “Janine is the best car in the entire universe, and I will prove it to you as you learn how to drive her.”

“Her name is Janine?”

“Come on,” it was Dave’s turn to cross his arms. “I know you’ve seen _Ghostbusters_ , Egbert’s your brother.”

Jade snorted. “Are you serious? Of all the characters in your pop culture repertoire, that was the one you went with?”

“She drove a beetle!” Dave insisted, resuming his walk towards the beaten up looking red VW-beetle parked up ahead. “In _Real Ghostbusters_! It’s obscure but it’s legit!”

Jade shook her head, smiling. “If you insist.”

“Come on,” Dave waved her over. “We can start slow. I’ll teach you what the pedals are for, how to check your mirrors, all that shit, and then if you want we can give the actual driving a try.”

“Hey!” Jade said, her cheeks flushing. “You’re here to teach me how to drive, so we’re gonna drive. I’m not a fragile damsel, Dave, I’m up for the challenge!”

“Hey, I wasn’t trying to patronize you or anything,” Dave held up his hands again. “I’m serious, we’ll do this at your pace.”

“No way, this is gonna happen,” Jade said, finally stepping forward and walking over to catch up to Dave. “I am going to drive the fuck out of your piece of shit car.”

“That’s the spirit!” Dave reached the little red car and unlocked the doors. “We’ll have you cruising down the interstates in no time.”

Jade approached the car, trying not to let her trepidation show. Dave had clearly made an attempt to clean her out but the car still contained some crumpled cardboard boxes and some empty bottles of off-brand soda. The trunk had a few bumper stickers on it, most of them for bands she had never heard of, and the driver’s side door was off-white instead of the red of the rest of the car’s body.

“Bought her myself,” Dave said proudly, resting a hand affectionately on the car’s hood. “Saved up for two summers, then spent the summer after that fixing her up. She’s not much to look at, but she’s mine.” There was something in Dave’s tone that made Jade glance across the car at him, a flicker of a sad expression across his face that piqued her curiosity. It was as gone almost as quickly as it appeared, however, and Dave grinned and rapped his knuckles against the hood. “Come on, hop in the front seat, I’ll show you all the bells and whistles.”

“Okay,” Jade said, cautiously opening the driver’s side door and climbing into the seat. It was low and a little cramped, but she had plenty of legroom and her hands automatically rested on the steering wheel. She peered down to look at the three pedals by her feet, which were marked with waffle-patterned designs, probably from Dave’s use.

“Comfy?” Dave asked, climbing into the passenger’s seat and closing the door behind him.

“I think so,” Jade said, peering around the dashboard at the dials and buttons. “It’s a little small.”

“I prefer to think of it as cozy,” Dave clarified, moving a few CD cases out from under him and shoving them into the backseat. “Compact. Snug.”

“You managed to fit all your stuff in this car when you moved up here?” Jade asked, incredulous.

Dave shrugged. “I don’t have much stuff.” He leaned over, pointing down at her feet. “Now, you’re probably wondering, ‘why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?’”

Jade giggled, getting the reference. “ ‘Didn’t I tell you to quit makin’ up animals?’”

Dave grinned. “So, the three pedals are the clutch, the brake, and the gas. Use your left foot for the clutch and your right foot for the other two.”

“You use both feet?” Jade felt a curl of anxiety in her stomach. This sounded complicated.

“Yep,” Dave leaned over. “You use the clutch to change gears, the brake to stop, and the gas to go.”

“I guess that makes sense…” Jade trailed off, carefully testing the pedals with her feet. She gripped the steering wheel like it was some kind of flotation device that would keep her from drowning.

“Doing all right?” Dave asked.

“I’m fine!” Jade protested.

“We don’t have to go anywhere today, I can just show you where everything is and that can be it.”

“Dave!”

“Okay, fine! Whatever you want!” Dave laughed. “You don’t have to prove anything to me, really.”

“I’m not here to prove anything,”Jade loosened her grip on the steering wheel slightly. “I’m here to learn how to drive. So let’s drive!”

“You’re the boss,” Dave said, leaning over to put the keys in the ignition as Jade pulled her seatbelt on. “Okay, the first thing you do is put your foot all the way down on the clutch.”

Jade felt the pedal under her foot, pushing it further and further until it was completely down. “Okay,” she said, trying to remember to breathe evenly. “Now what?”

“Keep holding it down,” Dave said. “Then start pushing on the brake with your right foot.”

“Okay,” Jade did so, pushing the brake and feeling that it didn’t go down as far as the clutch. This seemed simple enough.

“Now turn the key,” Dave pointed to the ignition next to the steering wheel. “And you’ll feel her start.”

Swallowing her anxiety, Jade set her mouth in a firm line and reached up, turning the key and feeling the little car rumble to life beneath her. She breathed out. She’d started the car and nothing had exploded. This wouldn’t be so bad.

“Oh yeah,” Dave nodded, sitting back in his seat with his hands behind his head. “Feel that engine purr.”

Jade giggled. “Okay, what now?”

“The next thing you do is you shift into first gear,” Dave said, pointing to the gear shift. “You have to move it like this.” Dave made a motion with his hand, leftward and then up. “See the little numbers on the stick?”

Jade looked at the gear shift and nodded, placing her hand on it gingerly. “Yeah.”

“Move it like it shows to get to the little 1,” Dave said. “Like this.”

Dave put his hand over Jade’s and guided her, tilting the gear shift to the side, then to the left and upwards. Jade tried not to think about how warm his hand was over hers.

“Okay,” Jade said, nodding. “That’s not so bad.”

“Awesome,” Dave grinned. “So, any time you use the gear shift, you gotta push the clutch in like you’re doing now, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jade nodded, hoping her hair obscured the colour in her cheeks. This was a driving lesson, she needed to stay focused.

No matter how cute she thought Dave was.

“Right, the next thing you do is move your foot from the brake to the gas pedal,” Dave said. “Don’t push down too hard, do it real gentle.”

Jade did so, hearing the car’s engine begin to rev up. One of the dials on the dashboard began to flick and rise, numbers steadily increasing.

“Okay good,” Dave said. “Keep bringing up the revs, you should aim for about three thousand RPMS, on that dial over there, yeah?”

“Okay,” Jade swallowed. “Then what?”

“Start lifting your left foot,” Dave said. “Pull the clutch out real slow.”

“I’m not gonna just zoom off?”

“Nah, that’s why you do it real slow,” Dave held out his hand, imitating her foot on the clutch. “Just gently lift your foot off, keep pressing down on the gas, and you’ll start rolling forward.”

“Okay,” Jade said. “Let’s do this.” She carefully began to lift her foot off of the clutch, pulling back a little bit at a time, trying to keep the pressure on the gas pedal even. The engine continued to rev, and she moved her foot back a little further, still firmly gripping the steering wheel, determined.

Nothing happened. They remained in place.

Jade felt panic grip her. She pushed the gas pedal down a little harder, but she stayed in one place. “What?” she said. “I’m pressing the pedal! I put it in gear! What’s wrong with it? Oh fuck, Dave, I broke your car!”

Dave looked confused for a microsecond before he burst out laughing.

“What?!” Jade said, stricken.

“That’s my bad,” Dave held up a hand, breathing heavily as he tried to regain his bearings. “I forgot to tell you to take off the emergency brake.”

Jade turned her head sharply to look at him. “Are you SERIOUS?!”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Dave leaned over to pat her on the shoulder. “I do it all the time, it’s totally cool.”

“Dave!” Jade moaned.

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Dave leaned over to the other lever behind the stick shift. “Put your foot back down on the clutch all the way, I’ll disengage the e-brake and we’ll do it for real this time.”

Jade sighed, anxiety expressing itself as irritation, and shoved her foot back down on the clutch.

“Okay,” Dave disengaged the e-brake. “Now you should be good.”

“Okay,” Jade repeated the previous attempt, pressing down on the gas while slowly lifting the clutch. The car began to roll forward slowly and she had to stop herself from cheering.

“Hey, now we’re cookin’,” Dave said, leaning back in the passenger’s seat again. “Nice, just keep steady on the gas and both hands on the wheel, we’re gonna just keep going forward real slow.”

“Okay,” Jade said again. “Okay. I’m doing this.”

“Yeah you are,” Dave grinned. “Makin’ it happen.”

Jade didn’t want to go too fast, but Dave’s instruction put her at ease. She managed to make a couple of very slow turns in the parking lot under his direction, and after a few minutes she found herself getting more comfortable going a little faster.

“Fuck yeah,” Dave said. “You’re a natural. Looks like I’ve got a new getaway driver.”

Jade giggled. “Only of you don’t need to getaway all that fast.”

“Okay, so you’ve made it to first gear,” Dave said. “The next thing you get to do is shift into second gear.”

Jade felt anxiety curl around her again. “Second gear?”

“Yep,” Dave nodded, pointing at the stick shift again. “Since you’re going faster, picking this up as quick as you are, let’s give it a try.”

Jade swallowed again, unable to hide her nerves this time.

“We don’t have to.”

“No!” she said, gripping the wheel a little tighter. “No, Dave, like you said, we’re doing this! Where making this hapen!”

“Okay, okay,” Dave gave her a thumbs up. “Here we go. So, you have to do a few things at once here, it’s tricky but you’ll get the hang of it no problem. So, keep your foot on the gas, and start putting your left foot down on the clutch.”

“Okay,” Jade nodded, moving her feet.

“Now, while you push it down, you pull the gear shift back into second,” Dave said. “Just pull it straight back. Keep your foot on the gas, keep pushing down on the clutch. After you shift the gear, you have to pull the clutch back out, and then you keep going.”

“Okay…” Jade pushed the pedals, put her hand on the gear shift, and breathed. “Here we go.”

She pulled back on the gear shift deliberately and lifted her left foot, and suddenly felt her entire body jerk forward, as if the car had hit something. Beside her Dave made a noise that sounded a bit like ‘FUCKJGKJ’ and he was thrown forward face-first into the dashboard.

“FUCK!” Jade jammed her foot down on the brake, feeling the car shudder beneath her in protest. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, fuck, DAVE! Are you okay????”

Dave had rebounded after he’d made contact with the dash, and he was clutching his nose with one hand, wheezing behind it, his shades slightly askew. Jade could see blood trickling down between his fingers. “Ow,” he mumbled.

Jade tried not to panic, tried to ignore the voice in her head that kept shrieking ‘OH SHIT YOU BROKE DAVE’ and reached over, trying to pry Dave’s hand from his face as she babbled a torrent of apologies. “Dave Dave I am SO SORRY oh my god I don’t know what happened oh shit Dave are you okay DAVE!!”

Dave let out a small cough as Jade wiped the blood off his nose with her sleeve, and it took her a few moments to realize he was laughing.

“Dave?” Jade asked. His nose didn’t look broken, but there would be some definite bruising. “Are you okay?”

Dave wiped the blood off his face, still laughing. “I’m cool,” he said, wheezing between guffaws. “I really should have been wearing my seatbelt.” Jade made a stricken face, wringing her hands, until Dave held up his own hand, which was spattered with blood. “I’m good,” he said. “It’s not a driving lesson unless someone walks away bloody.”

“Dave,” Jade began. “I am SO sorry-”

“Really, Jade,” Dave pinched the bridge of his nose and tipped his head back, still breathing heavily. “I’m okay. That was … actually kinda hilarious.”

“I almost broke your nose!”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re getting blood on the seat.”

“Whoops,” Dave covered his nose with his hands. “My bad.”

“Oh my god,” Jade buried her head in her hands. “Oh my god, I’m the worst driver ever.”

Dave chuckled again, making a gurgling sound. “It happens to everyone,” he mumbled. “Let’s get her parked and I’ll put some ice on my face.”

“Park?” Jade panicked. “I… uh…”

“It’s okay,” Dave leaned forward again, still holding his nose. “I’ll do it.”

“You’re bleeding!”

“It’s just a flesh wound.” Dave opened the door, stumbling dazedly out of the car and crossing around the back of it to stand in front of the driver’s side door. “Put the parking brake on, I’ll fix it.”

Jade pulled the e-brake back until it clicked into place and clambered out of the car, getting a better look at Dave in the sunlight. He was still bleeding, but had a smile on his face.

“Hey,” he said finally, a semi-delirious grin on his face and a drop of blood falling from his nose. “It’s not like this is the first time a pretty girl’s given me a nosebleed.”

“Daaaaaave!” Jade gave him a gentle shove, her face flushing, and he laughed again. He was going to be fine. She was utterly mortified that her first driving lesson had ended in cranial trauma, but clearly Dave was going to be fine.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the curious, the chapter title, and the banter about it, is a reference to this episode of [Red vs. Blue](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDVfLh_O0LA). Also, here's what I think [Dave's car](http://cardriven.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/2.jpg) looks like.
> 
> For the even more curious, this is not necessarily indicating future!DaveJade, just a whole bunch of teenage relationship confusion! Yay! 
> 
> Shout-out to my friend [Alex](http://chartreuseabstruseness.tumblr.com/) for explaining to me in detail how to drive a stick-shift and helping me figure out exactly how Jade could bust up Dave's face. 
> 
> There'll be a second intermission fic coming next Monday, and then after that we'll be back to the story! Thanks for reading and I hope you all enjoy this little detour!


	20. Intermission 2: Waxing Rhapsodically About All Of This Emotional Baggage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place in the middle of Chapter 11. Here have some Davekat feels, because so far this fic has been in desperate need of them. 
> 
> Act 2 begins next Monday!

“Rose said you wanted to talk,” Dave said. Karkat jumped, clearly not expecting Dave to talk to him, but here he was, talking to him as they were both packing up after class. Dave's stomach was a knot of writhing snakes and his mouth was dry. Three days of talking only to himself of course had something to do with it, but not all of it and Dave mentally berated himself.

_A Strider shows no fear. A Strider shows no fear._

“Yeah,” Karkat said. “If that’s cool.”

“I’m listening,” Dave said once the room had emptied. “What’s up?”

“I wanna know how I fucked up,” Karkat said, shouldering his backpack and biting his lip, clearly uncomfortable. “Because I know I fucked up and I wanna say sorry, but I wanna know what exactly I’m fucking apologizing for. So, yeah, tell me what I did so I can fix it.”

“If what you’re going for is an apology, you’re kinda sucking at it,” Dave said, sitting on one of the desks.

“Fuck you Strider,” Karkat snapped. “I’m trying!”

“I know,” Dave sighed, resting his palms on the edge of the desk. “So am I.” He paused for a moment, swallowing. “You just made some big fucking assumptions when we were talking, that’s all.”

“What assumptions?” Karkat looked genuinely confused. “I mean, I grew up in human society. Shit, I was raised by my ancestor, a troll who did nothing but try to fight the bullshit gendered classist institution human society is based on. The cult of the patriarchy, as he calls it, is a fact, and not an assumption.”

Dave took in a deep breath and released it slowly before he finally spoke, and when he did his voice was low and cracking with deliberation and anxiety.

“The assumption you’re making,” Dave said, unable to look Karkat in the face and focusing instead on a spot on the floor. “Is that I’ve always been seen as a man.”

When Dave finally looked up he saw Karkat staring at him, the confusion on his face beginning to turn into understanding.

“Okay, so,” Karkat began, nodding. “You’re transgender.”

Dave blinked. Karkat had said ‘transgender’ the way another person might have looked at Dave and said ‘you’re blonde’, like it was the most natural thing to observe.

“Yeah,” Dave said, swallowing again.

Karkat blinked again and Dave could see him going back over the conversation of three days ago in his head. He sighed. “I’m an idiot.”

“You didn’t know.”

“Sure, but I did make a big fucking assumption and went and said a bunch of asshole bullshit,” Karkat sat down on the desk in front of Dave’s. His face was pale, twisted in an expression Dave found familiar: confused, disgusted, full of self loathing. Even as an alien he mirrored the expressions Dave knew he himself made all the time. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“People react… unpredictably… to the revelation,” Dave said. “Especially other humans.”

“You think Egbert will look at you different.” Karkat said. It was a statement, not a question.

“Cis guys usually do,” Dave sighed. “I can handle that though. It’s how he might see others that makes me keep my mouth shut.”

Karkat studied Dave’s face for a moment, then comprehension dawned. “Rose,” he said.

Dave nodded.

Karkat blinked a few times. “Never would have guessed.” He froze. “Not that I should be able to see it, or not see it, I know not all trans people can pass, and that they shouldn’t HAVE to pass. Fuck.” He put his face in his hands. “I’m sorry, I am literally doing everything wrong here.”

“Nah, it’s cool man,” Dave felt some of the tension leaving his shoulders. “It’s not exactly a simple situation.”

“Sure it is,” Karkat folded his arms. “You’re a guy, Rose is a girl, and they just fucked that up when you were human grubs.”

“I mean, it’s a little more complex than that,” Dave said. “But that’s the basic gist of it.”

Karkat made another face. “That had to fucking suck for the two of you when you were wigglers.”

Dave laughed mirthlessly. “You could say that.”

“Is that why the two of you lived in different states?”

Dave nodded. “We both came out at the same time, when we were like ten years old, and the kids we went to school with freaked the fuck out about it. I’d always been tomboyish and shit but Rose...” Dave felt the familiar contradictory ice and fire in his veins as he remembered. “The shit they tried to do to Rose.”

Karkat stared at him. “You were protecting her.”

“Not that she needed it,” Dave said. “But I did. Every damn day. That year was a fucking disaster. I got into fights at school, we started getting hate mail, kids trashing our mom’s car, shit, someone tried to burn our house down when I was eleven.”

“Holy fuck,” Karkat’s jaw dropped.

“Texas has some fucked up people living in it,” Dave gripped the edge of the desk. “Our older siblings being at the public forefront of the Troll Civil Rights Movement didn’t help either. Our family was pretty unpopular.”

“So what did you do?”

“I got into one too many fights and one of them ended up extra bloody,” Dave said. “Guy ended up in the hospital, I went to juvenile court. Mom decided to move Rose somewhere else, away from shit that dangerous.” He sighed. “They moved up to New England, and Rose got a fresh start.”

“What about you?”

Dave felt his face twist into a scowl before he collected himself. Not everything needed to be shared. “The court let me off with community service and made me move in with my Dad,” he said. “They figured having a strong male role model would help me learn some discipline. So he pulled me out of public school and gave me an education himself.”

“Is that why you’re Strider and Rose is Lalonde?”

Dave nodded again. “Yeah. Had both my names legally changed, for the gender situation and the legal situation. So Rose and I lived in different states until we came here for college. We’d both started on hormones a couple years ago, and when we met up outside Unity the other day, it was the first time we’d seen each other in five years. I almost didn’t recognize her.” Dave allowed himself a smile. “At this point the only clue as to how we were assigned at birth is the legal records in Texas.”

He paused, unsure of what else to say. Karkat studied him a moment before speaking again. “You didn’t have to tell me all this,” he said. “I mean, I’m a total shitheel, I shoot my mouth off and offend pretty much everyone, you could have just told me I was a douchecanoe and left it at that.”

“Sure,” Dave said. “But I try not to lie about shit. Spent over half my life lying to myself and it nearly killed me.”

“Makes sense,” Karkat said, though he looked somehow off to Dave. Almost ashamed. “Being honest about yourself takes a lot though, you gotta be pretty fucking strong to do it.”

Dave shrugged. “I guess. I did what I had to.”

Karkat sighed. “Well, I’m sorry I spilled my bullshit all over you. I really need to stop with the assumptions about people, especially when I’m trying to be friends with them.”

“Aww, we’re friends?” Dave couldn’t help himself. “I’m touched.”

“Fuck you,” Karkat said, his expression still holding somewhere close to shame. “Besides, I’d be the worst kind of hypocritical scum if I didn’t accept other people’s differences.” He looked at Dave, and there was a hint of fear in his yellow and grey eyes. “Anyway, thanks for telling me and helping me shape my shit up.”

“Sure man,” Dave replied. “And like, if you ever have some shit you need to get off your chest, I’m not great at figuring that shit out, but I can listen.”

“I already have a moirail, Strider,” Karkat scowled. “I don’t need two.”

Dave held his hands up. “Okay, sorry, my bad, I didn’t realize feelings jams were so fucking exclusive. I’m just saying that I don’t want to make assumptions about you any more than you want to make them about me. But it’s whatever. Apology accepted. See you in Comp Sci.” Dave slid off the desk and grabbed his backpack, his stomach now ice water. So much for clean resolution.

He was halfway to the door when Karkat spoke.

“Dave, wait.”

Dave turned around slowly, crossing his arms. “Really, dude, it’s whatever, I’m not mad anymore.”

“Just, ugh, fuck, give me a second.” Karkat put a hand to his forehead, taking a few deep breaths to steady himself. Dave took a few more steps back into the room, watching as the troll tipped his head back and gently touched his index finger first to one eye and then the other. He leaned forward, now holding a pair of grey-tinted contact lenses in one hand, and when he looked at Dave, he let out a long breath. “Okay,” he said. “You told me your story, Strider, so here’s mine.”

Dave took another step forward, and as he got a closer look he suddenly understood a great deal more about Karkat Vantas.

“Huh,” he said. “There’s another one for a bad romantic comedy.”

Karkat instantly bristled. “What?!”

“Nah,” Dave shook his head, reaching up and holding the edge of his shades. “That’s just what I say whenever there’s some kind of coincidence.”

Dave took another couple of steps towards Karkat and removed his shades. The troll let out an audible gasp, staring unabashedly at Dave’s exposed face. Dave could feel that sensation of mirroring again, examining the irises of Karkat’s eyes and noting how similar they were to his own, fiery red in stark contrast to the black pinpoint pupil.

“So yeah,” Dave said, giving Karkat a lopsided smile. “Guess we’ve both been through some shit.”

“Yeah,” Karkat said, still staring at Dave in wonder. “Sorry, I just… didn’t know humans could have eyes that matched their blood colour.”

“Albinism is a weird little genetic mutation,” Dave said. “Rose has it too, though her eyes are purple. We’re a regular pair of anime characters. Colour doesn’t means as much to humans though, at least not when it comes to eyes, or blood.” He stared back at Karkat, whose face had reverted to an expression of shame. “I wasn’t bullshitting in that rap battle. I know troll history, and I know how the hemocaste works. This might not be Alternia, but I know what trolls tend to do to…” Dave trailed off, unsure how to finish.

“Red-blooded mutants?”

Dave winced. “I wasn’t going to put it quite like that.”

“It’s true though,” Karkat said, his tone miserable. “If I’d hatched on Alternia I’d have been culled before I’d even pupated. The Exiles left the empire to free themselves of the oppressive hemospectrum, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like a disgusting freak around everyone I know. Even Kankri, though of course that fuckstick LOVES to talk about his cherry candy blood. Like it makes him some kind of expert on suffering.”

“I mean, being mutants is just another cool thing we have in common, bro,” Dave said, attempting to lighten the mood. “So we can be mutant bros, X-Men style.”

Karkat snorted. “That’s the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

“Maybe so,” Dave put his shades back on. “But regardless, thanks for sharing. And hey, if I know anything about anything, it’s about how shitty it is to have to come out to people. So, like, yeah, do shit in your own time. That’s what I’m doing.”

“I mean, a couple of my friends know,” Karkat said, carefully putting his contacts back in. Dave didn’t know how he did it without a mirror, especially with claws. “Gamzee knows. I think Terezi does too, even though I’ve never told her outright. I just don’t want people to treat me differently, you know?”

“Yeah,” Dave said. “I kinda do.”

Karkat finished putting his contacts back in and looked at Dave again. “So, yeah. Are we cool?”

“Yeah man,” Dave held out a fist. “It’s all cool.”

Karkat bumped his fist and hopped off the desk, adjusting the straps of his backpack. “I still think you’re an insufferable prick, Strider,” he said, though he had a smile on his face.

“And I still think you’re a loudmouthed shitnugget, Vantas,” Dave smirked.

“Fuck you,” Karkat said amiably, the two of them heading for the classroom door. “Wanna get some food?”

“Sure, waxing rhapsodically about all of this emotional baggage really works up an appetite.”

“Oh go shit on your own smug face.”

“I’d have to do some kind of acrobatic fucking pirouette to pull that off.”

“So get practicing, nooksniffer.”

“Asshole.”

“Bulgemunch.”

“Nerd.”

“Pail-licker.”

The two of them laughed and Dave grinned as they stepped out of Megido hall into the sunlight, his cheeks a little flushed.

Everything was back to normal. Or at least, as close to whatever the two of them could ever hope to call normal.


End file.
